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Sunday, June 12, 2016

Airline Announcements

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people, we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!'

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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'

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'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.

The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.'

He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

 Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day.   During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo...Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

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'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments. '

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From a male Flight Attendant: 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses... except for that gentleman over there.'

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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City.

The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew has brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.  And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:  'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.  After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

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A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

19 comments:

  1. So funny, Cat! Would just like an uneventful and on time flight for the upcoming trip. Thanks for the laughs.

    Hugs From Ella

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    1. Happy you enjoyed these, Ella...sending lots of positive energy for a safe and uneventful flight. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

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  2. All really cute...but I love that last one...
    hugs abby

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    1. That was a good one, wasn't it, Abby. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

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  3. Replies
    1. Happy you enjoyed them, Fondles. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete
  4. My guy is laughing so hard at those last two! Me too! ;)

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    1. Happy you both enjoyed them, Minelle...figured those last two would get your Scotsman roaring. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete
  5. Love them all Cat, especially the last two. Definitely makes for a more interesting flight lol. Thanks for the giggle :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Happy you enjoyed them, Roz...the last two seem to be the favorites of everyone. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete
  6. These are hysterical - love the sense of humor it shows.

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    1. Oh I so agree, Sunny...happy you enjoyed them. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

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  7. Loved these Cat especially the last one. Thanks.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    1. Happy you enjoyed them, Ronnie...you are in the majority with favorites. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

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  8. Hi Cat, I'm a new reader and loving your blog. It gives me a smile every time. I've shared a lot of your posts with my husband and we've had a lot of good laughs (he's always looking for a good joke he can share). We've flown a couple of times in the last year and always listens to the safety lecture -- for the jokes.

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    1. Welcome Beth...so happy to have you join us. Happy you and your husband are enjoying the giggles and hope he finds plenty to share. Hope you visit and comment again. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

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  9. LOVE all these, Cuz! :) I've been on Southwest when there have been flight attendants, still being professional/doing their jobs, but singing/adding humour to their interactions with the passengers. It really puts the passengers at ease, and makes it more fun. Fun to read! Thanks Cuz! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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    1. Some of the flight attendants can really put on a show can't they Cuz! Hope you have a safe and fun flight! ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

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  10. these are very funny. I heard once that some hard landings are due to the pilot being a freighter pilot and they tend to land them hard. I like Southwest as some of those folks can tell some humorous anecdotes as I did hear the smoking section on the wing one once

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