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Saturday, October 31, 2015

Note from Grandma

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.  Recently, she wrote the following letter to her granddaughter…
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
 So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ! GO!’
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking.

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked your teenage brother in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
Your brother burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.  Praise the Lord for suck wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon.
Love, Grandma

Two thumbs up! Thumbs upThumbs up

Friday, October 30, 2015

Emergency Call

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate’s been hit by a car.
 
Paddy: ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his ears and nose and I tink both his legs are broken.’
Operator: ‘What is your location sir?’
 
Paddy: ‘Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .’
Operator: ‘How do you spell that sir?’
 
 
Silence…. (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
 
 
Operator: ‘Are you there sir?’
More heavy breathing and another minute later.
 
 
Operator: ‘Sir, can you hear me?’
 
 
This goes on for another few minutes until….
 
 
Operator: ‘Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?’
 
Paddy: ‘Yes, sorry bout dat… I couldn’t spell eucalyptus so I dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party.

The day of the party the wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. 

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.  So he took his costume and away he went.


The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.  In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.  His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.  Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and messed around.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.


She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.  He said, "Oh, the same old thing.  You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.  When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening." 


"But I'll tell you...the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"







Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Hearing Problem

A Grandma who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return her hearing to 100%.

The grandma went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the elderly woman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


Im calling grandma

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Stolen Paintings

Meredith over at New Twist, After All These Years is back home so her Jack is at it again.  Hope you enjoy!
 

 
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre...
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After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. 
 
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
 
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'
 
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I had no Monet
 
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To buy Degas
 
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To make the Van Gogh.
 
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See if you have DeGaulle to send this on to someone else.
 
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I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Getting Married

Since I hadn’t heard from him in so long, I thought Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years was mad at me!  Crying face So was very shocked that he sent this giggle along.  Just kidding Jack. Winking smile

Hope you enjoy.
 


An older couple who were both widowed had been going out with each other for a long time.

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Urged on by their friends they decided it was finally time to get married.

 

Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

She asked how often he would be golfing to which he replied, only once a week.

 

Then finally he decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently "she replied.

 

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses then leaned over towards her and whispered...
 

"Is that one word or two?"

Flirt male 

Would definitely be two for me! Thumbs upThumbs up


Monday, October 19, 2015

The Bet

guess how old

Would love to know what the women won… Winking smile

Sunday, October 18, 2015

10 Ways Sleeping Naked Can Benefit You

 
 
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Studies show only 10% of people sleep in the nude, and this is surprising especially with all the wonderful benefits that come along with sleeping in the buff. If the thoughts of sleeping in the nude are not very appealing to you, here are seven reasons that will have you convinced!
 
1. People who sleep naked tend to have better relationships. Skin to skin contact releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Those pesky pajamas can get in the way of skin to skin contact, and we need oxytocin it elevates happiness, lowers stress and reduces blood pressure.

2. Sleeping naked reduces your risk of yeast infections. It allows your vaginal area to have a chance to air out; yeast grows in warm and moist conditions. When it is cool and dry, the growth is prevented.

3. You will have a healthier body wearing clothes at night keeps your body warmer, which prevents the growth hormone from being released. The growth hormone repairs your body!

The Growth hormone:
  • Promotes bone density
  • repairs tissue
  • builds muscle
  • lowers your risk of diabetes
  • lowers your risk of heart disease
  • promotes healthy weight
  • stimulates the growth of internal organs
  • stimulates the immune system

4. You will have better sex, Just think about it, with all that oxytocin going around, and you’re both naked already!

5. Our bodies need to cool at night; this decreases our levels of cortisol. If we do not get enough restful sleep, we wake up with high levels of cortisol. High levels of cortisol trigger your appetite and our tendencies to overeat. High Cortisol levels can disrupt our sleep patterns, increase belly fat, and lower libido.

6.Sleeping naked keeps you young! Keeping the temperature around 68-70 degrees allows the anti-aging hormones, melatonin and growth hormone,to function properly. I know being comfortable and cozy at bedtime is important to a lot of people, but a warm sleep environment can prevent the natural cooling process to take place in your body while you sleep.

7. It will give you a self-confidence boost! When you sleep naked, you will learn to be more comfortable with your body. When you learn to be comfortable with yourself, you will be more happy. Not to mention, if you are spending all that time naked you will more than likely want to look your best!

8.It is easier! You will not have to worry about coming home and scrounging around for pajamas, just strip and get comfortable! You also will not have to buy pajamas, and you will have fewer clothes to wash! It really is a win-win situation.

9.Sleeping naked will make you feel happier and freer. Just imagine a world where you are lying in bed naked, you don’t have to worry about pants, underwear, or the dreaded bra! You you and your body sandwiched between two cool sheets!

10.It can help your skin! Your skin will finally get a breather! Your private parts, armpits, and feet are all day restricted and covered by many layers of clothing, even in hot weather. Give your body a chance to air out and breathe. This means a lowered risk for skin diseases like athlete’s foot, that result from wet, restricted skin!

These are the wonderful benefits of sleeping naked. So, ditch the Pajamas and enjoy this empowering nightly freedom. You will feel better, look better, and have a great relationship with your partner.


Saturday, October 17, 2015

Friday, October 16, 2015

Phones

Funny but sad and so very true… 

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phones were stupid

When you’re lucky enough to be with your friends and/or family…

PUT DOWN THE FECKING PHONE!

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Conversations with Mrs. Donovan

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

 
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

 
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'

They then parted ways.

~~~~~~~~~

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'


The Father asked, 'And tell me , have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

 
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer bloody candle.'


Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Life Advice

20 Crucial Pieces of Life Advice, As Told By People Over 60.  Number 11 Is Essential.
Recently, a question was posed to those over the age of 60. The question was this: “What advice would you give to those who are half your age?” While the question seems simple, the answers may surprise you.
 
1. People always say, “Make sure you get a job doing what you love!” But that isn’t the best advice. The right job is the job you love some days, can tolerate most days, and still pays the bills. Almost nobody has a job they love every day.
 
2. Years go by in the blink of an eye. Don't marry young. Live your life. Go places. Do things. If you have the means or not. Pack a bag and go wherever you can afford to go. While you have no dependents, don't buy stuff. Any stuff. See the world. Look through travel magazines and pick a spot. GO!
 
3. Don’t take life so seriously. Even if things seem dark and hopeless, try to laugh at how ridiculous life is.
 
4. A true friend will come running if you call them at 2am; everyone else is just an acquaintance.
 
5. The most important person in your life is the person who agreed to share their life with you. Treat them as such.
 
6. Children grow up way too fast. Make the most of the time you have with them.
 
7. Nobody ever dies wishing they had worked more… Work hard, but don’t prioritize work over family, friends, or even yourself.
 
8. You might live a long life, or you might live a short one - who knows. But either way, trust me when I say that you’re going to wish you took better care of yourself in your youth.
 
9. If you're getting overwhelmed by life, just return to the immediate present moment and savor all that is beautiful and comforting.Take a deep breath, relax.
 
10. Eat and exercise like you're a diabetic heart patient with a stroke - so you never actually become one.
 
11. We have one time on this earth. Don't wake up and realize that you are 60 years old and haven't done the things you dreamed about.
 
12. Maybe this one isn’t as profound as the others, but I think it’s important… Floss regularly, dental problems are awful.
 
13. Don't take anyone else's advice as gospel. You can ask for advice from someone you respect, then take your situation into consideration and make your own decision. Essentially, take your own advice is my advice…
 
14. Stuff is just stuff. Don’t hold onto material objects, hold onto time and experiences instead.
 
15. The joints you damage today will get their revenge later. Even if you think they've recovered completely. TRUST ME!
 
16. I would say to appreciate the small things and to be present in the moment. What do I mean? Well, it seems today like younger people are all about immediate gratification. Instead, why not appreciate every small moment? We don't get to stay on this crazy/wonderful planet forever and the greatest pleasure can be found in the most mundane of activities. Instead of sending a text, pick up the phone and call someone. Call your mother, have a conversation about nothing in particular. Those are the moments to hold onto.
 
17. Pay your bills and stay the hell out of debt. If I could have paid myself all the money I've paid out in interest over the years, I'd be retired already.
 
18. Jealousy destroys relationships. Trust your significant other, because who else are you supposed to trust?
 
19. If you have a dream of being or doing something that seems impossible, try for it anyway. It will only become more impossible as you age and become responsible for other people.
 
20. When you meet someone for the first time, stop and realize that you really know nothing about them. You see race, gender, age, clothes. Forget it all. You know nothing. Those biased assumptions that pop into your head because of the way your brain likes categories, are limiting your life, and other people's lives.
Courtesy of tickld

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

A Different Look at 50 Shades

50 Shades of Disney . . . OMG

What if '50 Shades of Grey' starred Disney princesses??

#1 The Little Mermaid
Cosmo put together these mock-ups imagining what it would look like if various Disney princesses were in the '50 Shades of Grey' movie . . . First up is Ariel . . . with legs?
legs?

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#2 Pocahontas
John Smith jumping into some BDSM . . . do you remember Pocahontas having that booty?

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#3 50 Shades of Frozen
Anna and Kristoff getting frisky on the sink . . . Are we the only ones getting weirded out by this?

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#4 Beauty and the Beast . . . and the Whip?
Belle looks like she's into it.

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#5 Cinderella
What is Prince Charming planning on doing with those balls? I think we're better off not knowing . . .

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#6 Mulan
Mulan submits to Li Shang, and our childhood is ruined.

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#7 Jasmine
Jasmine and Aladdin having some fun with an iPod and a blindfold . . . we must have missed this deleted scene.

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#8 Sleeping Beauty
We remember Aurora being imprisoned by a bed, but maybe it was a crucifix?

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#9 The Princess and the Frog
Who knew the frog was a sadist?

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Now I dare y’all to watch any of the movies without these images popping up in your mind. Winking smile