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Friday, October 31, 2014

Halloween Giggles


witch name



vegan witches
















worst halloween decorations

halloween-we need to talk













siri for halloween

who texted you this
















adult halloween 2

how halloween began


















whats your Halloween costume

halloween costume


















mom-im a unicorn

Wishing everyone a safe and fun Halloween!

Thursday, October 30, 2014

TBT-Chocolate Gravy plus Update from Katie

UPDATE: Our sweet Katie from This Whole Thing asked if I would update all y'all on her dad...
He is doing much better and Katie thanks everyone SO MUCH for all the prayers, thoughts and love they are receiving. She will respond to all the lovely comments and messages all y'all have sent as soon as she can.  Meanwhile, I am asking that you keep sending prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts for her, her dad and the rest of the family.

Now...back to our scheduled program!  

I referred to the following recipe…one of my favorites from my grandpa…in my comments on PK’s blog the other day so thought I’d re-share for those of you who had not seen it or had forgotten about it.

Grandpa used to make this for all the grandkids as a special treat for breakfast, an afternoon snack, or after supper dessert.  BTW, the adults loved it also.

Never heard of chocolate gravy?  Oh my, you did have a deprived childhood. LOL

And just how do you serve chocolate gravy you might ask.  With homemade or canned ‘country style’ biscuits (Scones for you Brits! LOL) A while back, I ended up with some leftover pound cake and made some chocolate gravy to go over it...ooh yummy!  If ya don't have any biscuits, just put it on plain bread!

UPDATED...Thanks to our sweet Minelle from Minelle's Breath  I realized I had copy/paste errors in this recipe which have now been corrected.  I apologize for any problems this may have caused. Thank you Minelle!

Ingredients
  • 1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
  • 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
  • 1 cup white granulated sugar
  • 2 cups milk
  • 2 tablespoons butter
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
Directions
  1. Melt the butter in a saucepan and then whisk the flour in until well-blended (no lumps).
  2. Add the milk slowly whisking it into the mixture.
  3. Whisk until smooth. 
  4. Whisk the cocoa and sugar together in a saucepan until well-blended (no lumps). 
  5. Whisk in to the milk mixture.
  6. Whisk until smooth.
  7. Cook over medium heat, whisking frequently, until it is the consistency of gravy (approximately 8 to 10 minutes).
  8. Remove from heat.
  9. Whisk in extract.
  10. Serve immediately over biscuits.
Notes
  • Use a whisk throughout the mixing/stirring and you will not have any lumps.
  • If the gravy gets too thick, you can add more milk a tablespoon at a time until it reaches the desired consistency.
  • For a different flavor or if you don’t care for vanilla, you can substitute almond extract.
  • You can substitute an equal amount of Stevia in the Raw, Splenda or any other sugar substitute for the granulated sugar.
  • DO NOT use the flaky type of canned biscuits.
  • I have used all types of milk including coconut, almond and cow’s (whole and 2%)…whatever I have on hand…even used sweetened condensed one time and just eliminated the sugar.  LOL
  • You can also use rice flour or almond flour to make this gravy gluten-free.
  • If you need or want a good biscuit recipe, here's an excellent one for Buttermilk biscuits (with pictures): http://www.tsgcookin.com/2011/03/country-buttermilk-biscuits/

If  any of you have made this recipe from the last time I posted, please feel free to give any suggestions or modifications you might have made.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask and if you try the recipe, as always, I would love any feedback you would care to give.

Hope you enjoy!

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Hollywood Squares

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!  Anyone remember seeing the original shows?


Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

 
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.



Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.



Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.



Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think  that he is attractive, is it okay to come right out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.



Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.



Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.



Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.



Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.



Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.



Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.



Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.



Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.



Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark...



Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.



Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.



Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?



Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.



Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

 
We don't stop laughing because we grow old,
We grow old because we stop laughing!

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

The Middle Wife and Update on EsMay

UPDATE: Received this update from Roz regarding Es May right after this post was published: 

"Tonight will be my ninth night in hospital.  I am here until I deliver... She is only 27 weeks gestation tomorrow, and my cervix isn't holding as we'd hoped.  They are worried she could come any day.  I am holding out and praying she won't be born before 37 weeks.  So for now, I'm on strict bed rest.  Up for bathroom only.  Sitting up only for meals.  I haven't been allowed to shower or wash my hair since I got here. :(  but I remind myself it's a small price to pay to keep her safe".

If y'all could send prayers, healing energy, positive thoughts, good wishes...whatever is in your heart that Es May and the Duke's little girl stays safely where she belongs.  Thank you!

 

Another joke from our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong.   

I almost wet myself laughing over this one!

Hope you enjoy it as much as I did!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years.

I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.


When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students.

It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. 

I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

~~~~~~

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.


She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.


'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)


'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)


'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe'.

‘They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'


Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

ROFLMBO!!!!! Thank you so much Ami!  I can’t stop laughing!!!!!

Monday, October 27, 2014

The Magic Bank Account

The author of the following is not known.  It was found in the billfold of Coach Paul ‘Bear’ Bryant, Alabama, after he died in 1982.
 
The Magic Bank Account
Imagine that you had won the following *PRIZE* in a contest:

Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400 in your private account for your use.  However, this prize has rules.

The Rules are:
1. Everything that you didn't spend during each day would be taken away from you.
2. You may not simply transfer money into some other account.
3. You may only spend it.
4. Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another 86,400 for that day.
5. The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say,“Game Over!". It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.



What would you personally do?

You would buy anything and everything you wanted right?  Not only for yourself, but for all the people you love and care for. Even for people you don't know, because you couldn't possibly spend it all on yourself, right?

You would try to spend every penny, and use it all, because you knew it would be replenished in the morning, right?

 
ACTUALLY, This GAME is REAL
...
...
...
...
...
...
Shocked ???
...
...
...
YES?!?
...
...
...
Each of us is already a winner of this *PRIZE*. We just can't seem to see it.
 
The PRIZE is *TIME*
1. Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life.
2. And when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is Not credited to us.
3. What we haven't used up that day is forever lost.
4. Yesterday is forever gone.
5. Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time WITHOUT WARNING...



SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?
 
Those seconds are worth so much more than the same amount in dollars.  Think about it and remember to enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think.
 
So take care of yourself, be happy, love deeply and enjoy life!
 

Here's wishing you a wonderful and beautiful day.

Start “spending”...

 
"DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT GROWING OLD…!"
SOME PEOPLE DON'T GET THE PRIVILEGE!


Sunday, October 26, 2014

Finally Together!

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
 
 
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident.


12 years later Judy again, remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.


Judy finally died, after having produced 25 children.
 

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
 

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

ethel and margaret
 

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
 

Margaret replied:..
 


"I think he means her legs, Ethel..."


Saturday, October 25, 2014

Behind the Scenes

And now a few gems from Air Traffic Control…

=========================

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles .."
Delta 351: "Give us another hint!  We have digital watches!"

 =========================

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet.  How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

=========================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

=========================

A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.  If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

=========================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer, you must speak in English.

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.  Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

=========================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.

The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
 

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane.  Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

==========================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:  "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?  I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!  You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.  I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:  "God! Now you've screwed everything up!  It'll take forever to sort this out!  You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!  You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. 

Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.  

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
 

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"



Friday, October 24, 2014

The Zipper

Just a quick reminder...this is Spank or Treat 2014 weekend!  Click on the S or T image to the right or the following link http://governingana.wordpress.com/2014/10/24/welcome-to-spankortreat/ to read some wonderful stories and be eligible to win fun prizes...including a painting from yours truly.  LOL


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


TheZippe
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
 
TheZippe2
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!  I don't even know who you are!"
 
 
The Texan smiled and drawled…
"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
But after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends."





Thursday, October 23, 2014

Attitude!

 
happiness of your life

Definition of an Optimist = Someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster…it’s more like a cha-cha.
 
true friends-good things_thumb














“Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.” ~Pablo Picasso

 
confused between attitude and personality













"You aren’t rich enough to afford more than one day of pity party.  So when things get bad, you can have one day then pull yourself up and get on with life!”  My Aunt 

  pity train_thumb[1]


“Many people may listen, but few people actually hear.” ~ Harvey Mackay


allergic to bs_thumb













“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.” ~Steven Wright 
 
you-cant-touch-me


"What happens is not as important as how you react to what happens." ~Thadeus Golas

middle finger_thumb 












“I have one nerve left and you’re getting on it.” ~Anonymous


taste your words

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Surprise!

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black corset, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

black corset 2


Here's how it all went…

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.  He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.'  Then we made passionate love all night long.


stilettos


The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a leather coat, under it only the black corset, heels and mask over my eyes.  When I opened the leather coat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


woman in black duster


Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing a black lacy corset, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said…


blask mask
 
 


you are going to love this…
 
 


 

" What's for dinner, Zorro?"
 
 
legend_of_zorro_ver1


The funeral is tomorrow! 

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Meet the Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to  meet, and have dinner with her  parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to  her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like  to go out and make love for the first time.


The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some  condoms.


He tells  the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
 
He  tells the boy every-thing there is to know about condoms and sex.
 
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. 
 
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and  all.



That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you  to meet my parents, come on  in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.


The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
 
 

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head  down.

10  minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.



Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the  boyfriend,"I had no idea you were this religious."



The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was THE pharmacist."


Monday, October 20, 2014

The Rules!

We’ve read about ‘the rules’ for DD/TTWD couples.  And I know most of us have read 'the rules' from the female side…Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!


Please note... they are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail, and witchcraft.

1. Ask for what you want.  Let us be clear on this one!  Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work!  Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.  That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.  Not both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible,  Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.  Pumpkin is also a fruit.  We have NO idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.  Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight.  But did you know men really don't mind that?  It's like camping.

ROFLMBO!

And just for fun…if I ever have my own pool, a sign similar to this will be posted!

pool rules

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Something to Think About


Thought I'd start the week off with sharing a few of my favorite quotes...
 
 

“Walk a mile in that man’s shoes before you even think about judging his actions!” ~My Dad!!!!!  And then he would say something similar to the following without the ‘F’ word.

dont judge dont judge me2

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I believe with all my heart that civilization has produced nothing finer than a man or woman who thinks and practices true tolerance.” ~Frank Knox
 

“You can stand tall without standing on someone. You can be a victor without having victims.”  ~ Harriet Woods 
 

when-you-point-your-finger-at-someone
"Don't focus on the speck in your brother's eye while ignoring the log in your own eye."   ~paraphrased from the bible
always the victim

sanctified hypocrite

 

 

 

 

 

"Look in the mirror, sister.  You might just be talking about yourself." ~Anonymous 

hands are clean
believe in your friends

 

 

 

 

"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it." ~ Swedish proverb

judging
words have wings

 

 

 

 

 

 

forgiveness-music

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Reckless Driving

Heard the one about the blind golf cart driver?

golf cart

No joke: Ga. man charged with reckless conduct after 2-mile drive
 

An ill-advised trip on golf cart ended with a long drive into a rough spot when a blind man — accompanied by his guide dog and a drunken friend — steered the vehicle along two miles of winding paths in Peachtree City, Ga., before slamming into a parked car, it was reported Tuesday.
 

Police told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that the drunken friend, Michael Johnston, who was “admittedly under the influence of alcoholic beverage” after consuming six or seven beers, gave instructions to the blind man, Samuel McClain, to enable him to negotiate the twists and turns of the paved path. Also riding in the cart was McClain’s guide dog, a golden retriever.
 

The journey came to a sudden end when McClain rammed the cart into a parked car.
 

No one was hurt in the accident, but McClain, 35, and Johnston, 47, were charged with reckless conduct “due to the blatant disregard for public safety,” the newspaper said.
 

Peachtree City, a city of 34,000 about 25 miles south of Atlanta, has about 80 miles of paved cart paths and 9,000 registered carts that residents use for daily tasks like going to the grocery or taking children to school.
 
 
Courtesy of MSNBC staff and news service reports
June 15, 2004


Friday, October 17, 2014

What Did Her Husband See?

The following was shared on Facebook and I just had to share it with y’all.


A husband left for vacation for 20 days.

Upon returning he took this picture of his wife.

After close examination he asked her for a divorce as he determined she was cheating.

What did he see in the picture?

husband left for vacation

Thursday, October 16, 2014

The Illegal Dam

Not sure if the following is true or not even though the note I received claims it is.
 
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property.
It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania .
 
This guy's response is hilarious, but read State's letter before you get to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.  Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.  We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.  All restoration work shall be completed   no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.  Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.  Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.  

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
 

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County  

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.  While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

1. Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
2 do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES
& THE DAM BEAVERS

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

New Drugs For Women

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
 
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering teenagers unconscious for up to two days.
 
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
 
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
 
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
 
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"
 
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
 
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
 
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T!
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators or on airplanes.
 
N A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Positive Post-It

 Saw this on Facebook.  Really made me smile and want to share it. 

Hope you enjoy it and pass on the positive post-its!



Here is the link on YouTube if the video won't play for you:  

Monday, October 13, 2014

A Guy and a Girl

A guy and a girl meet at a bar…
bar 1
 

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
 
bar 2
 

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
 

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
 
 
The girl has been watching him and says:
 
"You must be a dentist."

 
bar 3
 

The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes…How did you figure that out?"

"Easy…" she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
 
 

One thing leads to another and they make love.
 
 

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
 
bar 4
 

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure, I'm a good dentist.  How did you figure that out?"


The girl replies…
 
bar 5










"Didn't feel a thing."



 
bar 6

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Test for Dementia

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test…some of you may have previously taken the following test but it needs to be taken yearly.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
 
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
 
1. What do you put in a toaster?









Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?










Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
 
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?










Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the hell are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
 
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines! Fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?









Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
 
OK…PAY ATTENTION NOW…
 
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus; In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?










Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name?
It was YOU!!
 
Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
 
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
 
We do NOT stop playing because we grow old;
We grow OLD because we stop playing!!!

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Speeding

Definitely need to keep this in mind the next time my lead foot gets the best of me! LOL


A woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.


The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.


Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.


Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.


Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.


The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.


Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.


The traffic cop is quite stunned.


Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.


The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.


The officer examines the license quizzically.


Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!


Woman: Bet the lying jerk told you I was speeding, too.


This has been around for a long time with different variations of the driver but it still makes me smile. Hope it gives you a smile also.


Friday, October 10, 2014

My First Experience with Pepper Spray

A few years ago while undergoing police training, I was introduced to pepper spray. As a requirement of graduation, myself (along with my entire class of hopeful crime fighters) were required to submit to being pepper sprayed…………………in the face…………………..with pepper spray.


For those of you not familiar with pepper spray, let me give you a little information about it.

The use of pepper as a weapon goes all the way back to ancient China. The Chinese would grind red chili pepper and put it on rice paper as a weapon and then swing it to the face of their opponents.


Modern manufactures actually bore a hole straight into the very pit of Hades itself and extract actual eternal hell fire and put it in a little can. You can then squirt this “little can of happiness” into the face of any not-so-nice person (or wild animal) and reduce even the burliest, meanest, loudest, most aggressive, knuckle dragging gorilla of a man, into nothing more than a quivering, whimpering little pile of gerbil poo that wants nothing more than to be held by his mother while he sobs into his blanket and calmly sucks his thumb.


We were taken outside and aligned with a partner. The role of the partner was to hold your arm after you had been sprayed and lead you the water hose to decontaminate after having your face eaten off by the spray.

I was paired up with one of the toughest dudes in the class.  He was an ex-boxer, an accomplished athlete and an aspiring mixed martial arts fighter.  I figured that if anybody in this whole class could stand up to a tiny little squirt of “canned satan”, it would be him.

The instructor asked him if he was ready, to which he replied with a manly “yup”, and then proceeded to spell out the word “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” upon his face with the pepper spray. 

I thought to myself, “holy crap” as I watched this young man begin to attempt to slap his face off. He was twirling around like a cracked-out ballet dancer with a hot burning coal dropped into her panties.

It was when he began to take in the deep breath needed to facilitate the loud girly scream he was preparing to let loose, that I noticed the huge cloud of pepper spray enveloping his head.

Before I could say, “don’t do that”… he did it. He took in so much air (and spray) that he sounded like a wounded hoover vacuum cleaner with a leaky bag.

He immediately realized his mistake, and proceeded to cough, slobber and drool all over everything within 32 feet.

I finally managed to wrangle him, like a bucking brahma bull over to the water hose.

As I began to pour the water over his eyes to remove the spray, he grabbed the hose from me and began making out with it right in front of everybody.

While helping him I watched several other classmates undergo pretty much the same thing with the same effect. It was at this point that I began to question my chosen career path and considered nursing or goat milking as suitable alternative.

 
Then…
 
it was…
 
my turn…
 
I walked over to the “spray zone” with a plan.

I had seen so many of the others hold their eyes open and breath that I decided to do neither. I was going to stand there with both eyes tightly closed and hold my breath until I had been hosed down thoroughly at the water spigot.

The instructor asked me if I was ready, to which I replied, “Nope”.

Obviously he didn’t hear me because he squirted me on my forehead anyway. I managed not to get it in my eyes, but did feel the heat.

I became concerned only when I felt my right eyebrow slide down my face and land on my foot.

I was led (drug) to the water hose by my buddies and doused with a healthy amount of cool water which alleviated the burning somewhat.

I was DONE!! I HAD BEATEN THE SPRAY!!! It really wasn’t as bad as I had feared and I assumed that the tingling would subside with time.

 
The scene looked like a triage on a battlefield. People were lying in the grass everywhere just moaning and whimpering.

I saw 2 people in the fetal position licking the grass and another crawling on his hands and knees while dragging his face across the asphalt.

After a time it seemed that the pain was subsiding and everyone started calming down a bit.

After observing us for over an hour (to make sure we didn’t die) the instructors sent us home.

Before letting us go, they cautioned us about lingering effects and we were warned that the pepper spray was most likely in our hair. They informed us that when we got in the shower, the water could reactivate it and we would have the pleasure of reliving our wonderful experience.


I had a plan for that as well...


When I got home, I stripped down to my birthday suit and jumped in the pool. I figured that I would swim around for an hour or so to allow enough time for the pepper spray that was matted in my hair to break loose and dissipate. That way, (or so I thought) when I get in the shower, all of it would be gone. (um hum)
 

After an hour or so, I climbed my naked butt out of the pool, (causing untold future psychiatric problems for the neighbors that had the misfortune of witnessing it) and got in the shower.


The warm water cascaded down through my hair, and sure enough found a vast pocket of dried pepper spray and said to it, “get up, it’s time to go to work”.


I felt my head start to burn like an uncontrolled forest fire started by 12 drunken hillbilly inbred relatives named Bubba, and then my ears actually burst into flames and proceeded to char the shower curtains.

I then commenced to reenact the scene from Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds” where the girl was swarmed with a million pissed off crows trying desperately to pluck her eyes out, and started flailing my arms around while singing “I Like to Move it Move it” in my best Jamaican voice.


Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse…


IT DID…
 

Now I don’t know how gravity works at your house, but at mine it makes stuff flow south.

HOLY LIVING CRAP A-MIGHTY!!!!
 
The pepper spray traveled down my body like molten lava from an erupting volcano and washed over my unsuspecting crotch in a tsunami of pain the likes of which I had never had the misfortune of being subjected to.

I audibly heard Nat King Cole singing, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire” as I passed out.

When I came to, I was dragging my butt across the carpet and screaming like a wounded bob cat.

My dog bubba just looked at me.

It felt like “Tattoo” from” Fantasy Island” was running directly under my nether regions while holding a flaming tiki torch!


I then ran my naked butt through the house and tried (unsuccessfully) to back my tail up and into the deep freezer.

That didn’t work and no matter how hard I tried, I could not sit down deep enough on the toilet to put the flames out.

No matter how far or fast I ran, I couldn’t stop the burning!!


I then ran screaming naked through the house, and burst out into the back yard in a wide-eyed sprint directly towards the pool.

I waved at my neighbors as I lunged towered the diving board. I executed a perfect triple backflip followed by an inverted left twist and finished with a forward facing butt-down cannon ball.

I then proceeded to swim laps at a speed that would have made Michael Phelps jealous.


After 3 hours of swimming followed by an ice pack, and a round of Tylenol I finally made it to my bed where I curled up with my blanket and stuck my thumb in my mouth.

Josh Bridges
Forest City NC
Courtesy of  Cop Humor

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Eye Candy

wow-take off your pants


mine just broke
















pythons


play in the leaves












can I have you-breakfast in bed

arrest me
















wicked sexy

trouble when I walked through the door
















hot flash


6 pack










kilts




adam levine
shower1

















Japanese Eye Test


know the rules
















count on me to misbehave


bend over and keep quiet



solemnly swear-misbehave

Oh okay…for those of you who prefer women…
reclining nude on beach