Adult Content Warning

You have entered a site intended for ADULTS ONLY. If you are under the age of 18, or if it is illegal to view such material in your community, please exit this site immediately. This site contains mature content including but not limited to; articles, discussions, pictures and other materials that some people may find offensive. If such materials offend you, please exit this site immediately.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Letter to My Guardian Angel

guardian-angel 


My darling Guardian Angel,
It's the 11th of January and you’ve been gone a year today.  I sit here all alone at night and keep reminding myself, you’re with your awesome family in a better place. I smile thinking how happy y’all are with so much joy, love and laughter in your hearts.  I struggle with why the good Lord left me alone and what his plans are for me but guess it's not time for me to know.
 
I still miss your wicked grin that always brought me to my knees and your eyes that saw into my very soul. I ache for your arms that held me tight and kept me so safe and warm. My heart is slowly healing, and I know that I’ll be all right because to do any less would be an insult to you and to what we had.
 
Although you’re no longer with me, sometimes I feel you near so I know you’re watching over me. You know how I’m doing – some days better than others.  Ok, I’m struggling with the rules and some have been broken.  Yes I can just hear you whisper in my ear, “Woman! Pushin' your luck!” But what do you expect? You know I’m not a leader. Hey, I am trying!
 
I know that when I was looking for help for Karen you guided me to the wonderful people I have found in blog land. They give me the acceptance, love, fun, companionship and support I had with your family. Since you’re watching, you also know that though I may not have the physical hugs, I have received so many virtual hugs that I can feel them.  You would love each and every one of them and there are some HoH’s here that you would sooooo get along with.Open-mouthed smile

I will keep living, loving,  and enjoying life. I will also keep trying to follow your rules but…

Love Always,
Cat


Music has always been a part of my life and touches me deeply.  Matthew and I were constantly sending each other songs to convey different messages. Here is the last song Matthew sent to me. Hope you enjoy it.





When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts
We got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end,
You're still my friend at least we didn't tend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
I'm still looking up

I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough, he knows
We got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up...

To my blog land family who have been so welcoming, loving, and supportive, Thank you. Y’all are awesome!

broken_smile











But not as broken as it was before I found y'all. Healing a bit more each day.





48 comments:

  1. Comes and sits quietly beside you and takes your hand, just keeping you company for awhile.

    You know he's here, my friend....and his pride is fierce in his very good woman.

    Great big hugs, Cat...I'm here if you need to talk....if not, ill just sit with you a while.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww June - the picture you paint of sitting quietly together just soothes my heart.

      I try to be the woman that Matthew would be proud of - fall down sometimes but I'm trying. ;)

      Hugs, Love and Blessings,
      Cat

      Delete
  2. As is my way, I'd bring coffee cake or cookies, a mug of coffee for you, June and I. I'd sit down beside, and just be. No need to talk if you don't want to. Just stay awhile to the fiercest ache and missing passes. Just so you know you are not alone.

    Love dana

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Dana - The picture of the three of us just quietly sitting together really touches me. It is such a soothing thought. Thank you so much for all your support, it means everything.

      Hugs, Love, and Blessings,
      Cat

      Delete
  3. I suppose Matthew won't mind me shedding some tears for his Cat.
    I Leave you in the good company of June and Dana.
    Glad to be part of your Blogland Family!

    Love,
    Bas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much dear Bas. Matthew would have been proud to call you friend.

      Hugs, Love, and Blessings,
      Cat

      Delete
  4. As I sit here and read this tears stream down my face. You amaze me in how you are so greatful for the time you had together. And as you said... To do any less would be an insult to Matthew. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers today.

    Big hugs

    P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww P - so sorry to make you cry. Thank you for your lovely words and I can always use prayers.

      Hugs and Blessings,
      Cat

      Delete
  5. Cat....I just know that I don't have the right words. I am so bad at things like this. I wish I could hug you....and somehow take some of the pain away....know that I will be thinking of you....praying for you....and that I am so happy that you are here.....

    Hugs.....

    ~Lucy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lucy - your words were perfect and I felt every one of them.

      Hugs and Blessings,
      Cat

      Delete
  6. Cat, I so wish I could come and sit beside you and take your hand and find a way to take some of your pain away. You are truly remarkable in you strength and courage. He is with you, watching over you.

    I really wish we were able to give more than virtual hugs. I am thinking of you and praying for you and so appreciative of your friendship and support.

    Love and huge (((Hugs)))
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Roz - You can come sit with me, June, and Dana. Dang, that paints such w comforting picture. Thank you for such a lovely compliment.

      I can definitely feel all the love, hugs and support coming from everyone, even if they are virtual.

      Hugs, Love, and Blessings,
      Cat

      Delete
  7. I too wish we could do more than virtual hugs Cat, but I'll send you a big one and be thinking of you and praying for you today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hugs, thoughts and prayers mean so much Susie. Thank you so much.

      Hugs and Blessings,
      Cat

      Delete
  8. Cat, I don't have much to offer online -but just to know that we are all here, reading and sending you virtual hugs, I hope it can mean something as much as being there in person. So glad that you are blogging and I hope it helps to put it out here.
    Wonderful song and I am glad to hear you aren't as broken as before.
    ((hugs))

    -Emi

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Emi - sending hugs and thoughts is a lot. Thank you so much. Happy you liked the song - it is one of my favorites.

      Hugs and Blessings,
      Cat

      Delete
  9. Oh Cat, I didn't know your story. When I look back over the last two months I think about how much you made me laugh. Wow, you are a strong woman and I'm sure Matthew is proud! Looking forward to getting to know you better.

    Betsy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for such a lovely compliment Betsy. Come and visit anytime.

      Blessings,
      Cat

      Delete
  10. Cat,
    I wish I could reach through the computer and squeeze you. I have no words for you...I wish I did...you always have uplifting words for all of us. I wish I could make it better. That is a beautiful song...thanks for sharing....and what a lovely memory for you. You are such a beautiful person Cat and I hope you feel a lot of love today.
    Love and hugs,
    Bea

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You had very lovely words that touched my heart Bea - thank you. I felt all the hugs and love people were sending but just wasn't able to reply until now.

      Love, Hugs, and Blessings,
      Cat

      Delete
  11. Cat, what can I say that hasn't been said. I am sorry for your loss but so happy for the time you had. I know he will be with you always.

    Thank you Matthew for leading Cat to us. We cherish her wit and wisdom and while we can't take your place we will provide her with a soft place to fall.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your lovely words Sunny. Everyone is so supportive and I know that is why Matthew led me to all of you.

      Hugs and Blessings,
      Cat

      Delete
  12. ((hugs)) Cat! I know it's not much, but please know that you will be in my thoughts today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those hugs mean a lot Tess. Thank you so much.

      Hugs and Blessings,
      Cat

      Delete
  13. Oh Cat, I'm so, so sorry. I had tears running down my face while reading this heartfelt and so touching tribute to your Matthew. He must have loved you so very much and I can see why. I love that the two of you used music to convey messages back and forth to one another. That is so sweet. I can't imagine how much you must miss him, but I'm so glad that this little corner of blogland and the people here have helped you with healing. Know that you have been a blessing to so many, including me. (((((hugs)))))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So sorry to make you cry Grace. Matthew did love me very much and I felt it every day that I had him. I am so happy that he guided me here to all of you. Thank you for your lovely words.

      Hugs and Blessings,
      Cat

      Delete
  14. (((( HUGS )))). Lucy

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hugs to you Cat. I know that God has a plan for you. And you have a guardian angel keeping an eye on you. I will bring the hard liquor that we can put into the coffee that Dana brings and we will get through today and make sure that tomorrow is filled with love and happiness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Blondie - Just haven't quite figured out what that plan is yet but still tryin'. Yes, I can feel Matthew next to me and think he will be no matter where I go or what I do. Would love to have us all just sitting together but in truth, I feel as if we are. Of course, liquor is more than welcome but ya gotta know, I get drunk on 1/2 a drink. Yup, Matthew used to tease me that I was a very cheap date. ;)

      Hugs and Blessings,
      Cat

      Delete
  16. My dear sweet friend, Cat - how I wish that I could reach out and hug you tight. It is very clear that the love you share with your Matthew transcends these circumstances, and that you will be with him for all of time.
    I feel so many things for you:
    Heartbreak for your sorrow.
    Pride in your strength - how you face this day with faith and courage .
    Grateful, that Matthew lead you here where you grace us with the wonderful energy that is at once, charming, funny and wise.
    Sorry, that I can't pull you into a tight embrace.
    Faith, in the knowledge that you and Matthew are joined for eternity.

    Thinking of you with love and prayers today and always,
    HUGS HUGS HUGS, until you squirm to escape
    lillie


    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Lillie - Thank you so much for such lovely and heart-warming words.

      Thank you so much for the prayers, they are always welcome.

      I surely do love hugs so you would probably be the one to have to escape. :)

      Thank you so much for all of your support.

      Hugs, Love, and Blessings,
      Cat

      Delete
  17. (((Hugs))) Sending heartfelt prayers and well wishes your way, Cat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Queenie, they are very much appreciated.

      Hugs and Blessings,
      Cat

      Delete
  18. Oh Cat darling, I'm crying too and I can't see to type properly. How very proud of you Matthew must be! Love spans time and dimensions. I firmly believe our loved ones are always with us even if we can't see them, although we can sometimes catch a glimpse when a leaf turns in the wind, or sunlight sparkles on the water in a certain way, or we hear distant music in the night or smell lavender on the breeze.

    We are all here for you sweetie. Our virtual hugs encircle you and our arms hold you tight - a complete circle of shining love and friendship for you Cat.

    Many, many hugs, Ami

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dang Ami - didn't mean to make everyone cry. Thank you so much for your lovely words. I do feel Matthew with me and sometimes when I'm very quiet, I can hear him whisper. But usually, it's "Woman! Pushin' your luck", which is usually what I heard when I was dancing on the line. :)

      I can definitely feel all the hugs and love and thank you so much for extending them.

      Hugs and Blessings,
      Cat

      Delete
  19. Cat, this heartfelt tribute touched me deepley, I send you my deepest condolences, and know that June and I are preying for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your condolences and prayers Ward. You are one of the HoH's I think Matthew would have gotten along very well with. ;)

      Hugs and Blessings,
      Cat

      Delete
  20. I don't know what to say Cat.

    I wish our 'camping' trip was a reality :) The visions we condured would be so fun to experience, and the ability to reach out to each other physically would be wonderful.

    Know that you are in my thoughts, and prayers not just at this difficult time but often.

    All my love
    Willie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wouldn't that camping trip be lovely and so much fun, Willie!

      Thank you so much for all your support, thoughts and prayers.

      Hugs, Love, and Blessings,

      Delete
  21. Hey Everyone -

    Thank you so much for all your hugs, love, blessings and warm wishes - they touch me more than I can ever express!

    I've seen the responses to this post coming in on my email and can feel everyone reaching out with love and caring but at the moment, I'm sorry, but I just can't reach back.

    Right now, I'm feeling a bit discombobulated so I'm staying away from blog land - doubt if I'd be much help or make much sense - hope this comment does. Just don't seem to have anything in me to give at the moment, so numb and empty.

    Earlier this week, I set up some posts to automatically go up since I knew I would probably struggle - just didn't realize quite how much. :(

    I know it will get better and I will be able to respond to everyone but meanwhile, I'm hibernating a bit. Hopefully tomorrow, it will be a bit better.

    Hugs, Love, and Blessings,
    Cat

    ReplyDelete
  22. I wish that I could say or do something to make this better. I hope you are doing okay this week. Please let me know if you need anything. I know it's not much, but here are lots more of those virtual hugs coming your way.

    Love,
    TL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh TL - Just stopping by to visit and leave those hugs means a lot. Thank you so much.

      Hugs, Love, and Blessings,
      Cat

      Delete
  23. Dang. I was planning to go back and catch up on your blog when I noticed this on your popular posts list. I'm sorry I dropped off the face of the earth shortly before you posted this. I thought of you every day, and hope you know that.

    Cat, just dang. Sorry I wasn't here to hug you then, but I'm here to hug you now. I'm so glad you had many others reaching out to you.

    I think Matthew is very proud of how you're handling yourself. You come here and you visit other blogs where you share your warmth, wit, laughter, support and recipes ;-) . I think the way you reach out and touch us in such a positive way shows your strength and how confident you are in how deeply he loved you, the worth in which he held you for so long.

    You're a blessing to us, to me. Thank you for sharing yourself in this way.

    Irishey

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dang Irishey...I missed your comment! Thanks for the belated hug...can always use hugs. ;)

      I hope Matthew is proud of me...I sure was proud of him.

      Thank you for such a lovely compliment.

      Hugs and Blessings...
      Cat

      Delete
    2. You know, it doesn't always meter whether we know somebody was thinking about us. The thoughts went out as a positive force, and I think somehow we capture that when we need it most. Perhaps we do "know" after all, just on a different level we don't really recognize.

      Thinking of you today, and every day. Hugs!

      Delete
  24. Gosh I know I was in the middle of some crazy stuff when this post was put up. I am sorry I wasn't there for you my dear friend. Even if I am late, I think I was lead here tonight.
    I want to give you a hug and be there for you when you struggle. Turn to us Cat. Matthew did lead you here and he leads us to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dang Minelle...missed this comment also. But needed to read this tonight...am missing Matthew bunches today. Thanks for the lovely words.

      Hugs and Blessings...
      Cat

      Delete

Thanks for stopping by. Respectful comments are always welcome.