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Tuesday, September 27, 2016
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Monday, September 26, 2016
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh...
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Saturday, September 24, 2016
Friday, September 23, 2016
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you pass wind.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgment.
14. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
15. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
16. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
18. We were born naked, wet and hungry, and got slapped on our arse - then things just kept getting worse.
19. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells Judy that this is nothing serious, that Tom has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells Judy to crumble some dog biscuits on Tom's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him.
The doctor wishes Judy good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later Judy returns to the doctor, who asks how Tom is.
"He's dead," Judy replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asks. "What happened?"
Judy replies, "Tom was sitting on the driveway licking his balls and I backed over him with the car."