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Sunday, February 19, 2017

The Darwin Awards

Just look what Meredith's Jack, sent!  Darwin awards!  Open-mouthed smile 

Yes, it's that magical time of year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
 
The glorious winner:
 
1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
 
And now, the honorable mentions:
 
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.

The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its’ men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and also lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
 

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
 

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for three days.
 

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
 

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.

The total amount of cash he got from the drawer . . . $15.
 

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on his head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape . . .
 

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
 

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 a.m., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
 

[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for . . . Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
 
*** Remember . . . they walk among us and they can reproduce.***
Surprised smile

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Friday, February 17, 2017

The Man Rules

Meredith's Jack sent the following with the note “Cat...I dare you to post this...”
Dare accepted. Winking smile 


At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
 

We always hear
"the rules"
From the female side. 
 
 
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are
our rules!
 
Please note…these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
 
 
1.   Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
 

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
 

1. Crying is blackmail.
 

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
 

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
 

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.
 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.
 

1. You have enough clothes.
 

1. You have too many shoes.
 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
 


Thank you for reading this.
 

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
 

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Hypnotism

 Meredith's Jack, is at it again!

A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I've been having all these years ? Well, they're gone.”

“No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”

His wife replies, “Angie referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat ,20 times
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
Well, it worked ! The headaches are all gone.”

“Well, that is wonderful” proclaims the husband.


His wife then says, “You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.


Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife an d carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, “Don't move, I'll be right back.”

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, “WOW! That was wonderful!”

The husband says, “Don't move ! I will be right back..”


He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning “OH MY GOD” she proclaims.

Her husband again says, “Don't move, I'll be right back..”


With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying…
“She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife”
 

His funeral service will be held Saturday.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

God saw…

God saw you
hungry
and created
Arby’s,
IHOP, and
Dairy Queen.
 
 
He saw you
thirsty
and created
Coke,
Juice,
Coffee and
Water.
 
 
GOD saw you
in the dark
and created
light.
 
 
GOD saw you
without a
Good looking,
adorable,
FRIEND.
So…
He created ME!!!
 
 funny-cat-pictures-stop-laughing

Monday, February 13, 2017

Love Poem

Another giggle from Meredith's Jack,!
 
This actually did earn a poetry prize in West Virginia in 1912.

By Jonny Jethro Nickens


💖  Happy Valentine's Day!  💖
 💜💜💜💜 💋 💜💜💜💜
💑

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Interesting Questions…

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
 
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
 
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
 
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
 
5. Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?
 
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
 
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
 
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
 
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
 
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
 
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
 
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
 
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
 
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
 
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
 
16.  If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
 
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
 
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
 
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
 
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
 
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
 
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
 
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
 
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
 
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
 
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
 
27. Christmas! What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
 
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?