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Saturday, May 27, 2017

Friday, May 26, 2017

The Young Priest

An elderly priest, speaking to a younger priest, said: "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued: "And you told me that adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir.

"Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

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"Thank you, father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"


"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But that flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n' Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.”
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Images (including cover) by Deposit Photos.
 
Courtesy of BabaMail

Thursday, May 25, 2017

A Beer?

It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a colonoscopy.
 
I went into his office for my very first rectal exam.
 
His new blond nurse, Ethel, took me to an examining room.
 
She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
 
While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer.
 hospital bed
 
When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
 
At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse: 
 
"Damn it, Ethel! I said a BUTT light."

Courtesy of BabaMail

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Childbirth

I shared a very similar giggle several years ago but when Meredith's Jack sent this one, I decided it had been long enough to share again. Winking smile  



With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
 

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
 


Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.
 


After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
 


Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
 

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded.
 

'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?'

Monday, May 22, 2017

Church Bulletins

They're Back!  Those wonderful Church Bulletins!  These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services…have previously shared some but fun and just had to share again. Smile

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.  'The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.  It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir.  They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.  Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.  The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up…
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Rye Bread

Meredith’s Jack is going to kick off the week for us…
 
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
 
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
 
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
 
 
So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
 
He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
 
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
 
He said, "Yes, I want 5 loaves."
 
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard!"
 
 
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Sunday Morning Worship

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged.
 
In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and a equally worn out Bible. The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
 
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
 
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor: “Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship.”
 
The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
 
 
But the next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots and hat.
 
Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, “I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church.”
 
“I did,” replied the old cowboy.
 
“If you spoke to God, what did he tell you proper attire should be for worshiping in here?” asked the preacher.
 
 

“Well, sir, God told me that He didn’t have a clue what I should wear. He said He’d never been in here before.”


Courtesy of shareably

Friday, May 19, 2017

What if…

Some things are easier said than done. Have you ever thought about what you would do if you found out that your spouse or significant other was cheating on you? While this is not a fun topic to think about, it’s hard to not let the “what if” thought cross your mind.
 
Chances are, you have thought about this and you have a game plan in your back pocket. You may just up and leave, or you may get so angry that you seek revenge on him/her. And oftentimes your ideal plan doesn’t go the way you expected and you end up doing the opposite. It happens.
 
 
One man did something quite different when he discovered that his wife had been cheating on him while he was away. He wrote a note to the guy she was cheating with, and this is what is said…
 
To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.
 
1. Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.
 
2. You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.
 
3. If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.
 
4. Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son believes if it’s not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?
 
5. After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty (thanks).
 
6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not mentally challenged.
 
7. Please stop turning the heat up, you pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.
 
8. When she asks “do these pants make me look fat,” say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.
 
9. Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.
 
10. Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too) has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.
 
Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentine’s Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don’t feel rushed.
 
P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.



Well, there ya have it. This guy proved his point in a very creative way. It would be interesting to find out where the relationship stands now.
Courtesy of AWM



Thursday, May 18, 2017

Buy That Cat…

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. 

He notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. 

The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. 


The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." 

And the owner says "Sold." And he hands over the cat. 


The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish.". 

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."