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Monday, June 29, 2015

Perfect Pet

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way!  A cat certainly can't do everything.  I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede?  I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay...I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and...it's immaculate!  All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed.  He's absolutely amazed.


He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room.  The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.


The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen.  This really is a pet that can do everything!"


Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door.

10 minutes later...no centipede.

20 minutes later...no centipede.

30 minutes later...no centipede.

By this point the man is wondering what's going on.  The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.

45 minutes later...still no centipede!


He can't imagine what could have happened.  Did the centipede run away?  Did it get run over by a car?  Where is that centipede?

So he goes to the front door, opens it...and there's the centipede sitting right outside.


The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper.  What's the matter?!"


The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'!  I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"


Sunday, June 28, 2015

Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
 
grandma and grandpa
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
 
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
 
"How much?" asked
 
Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son.
 
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
 
 
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
 
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.


"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Doctor's Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"  I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.  Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
-Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.  Big breaths," I instructed.  Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
-Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA


One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.  Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
-Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada


I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.  I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."  He read the 20/20 line perfectly.  Now your left."  Again, a flawless read.  Now both," I requested.  There was silence.  He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.  I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.  I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
-Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA


During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.  Which one?" I asked.  The patch.  The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"  I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.  Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!  Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
-Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?"  After a look of complete confusion she answered…”Why, not for about twenty years…when my husband was alive."
-Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR


I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,  “So, how's your breakfast this morning?"  “It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.  I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.  I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
-Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI


And Finally...
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams.  To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.  The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.  He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"  She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
-won't admit his name

Open-mouthed smile

Friday, June 26, 2015

Wife’s Diary

This Man Gets The Shock Of His Life After Reading His Wife’s Diary.



MONDAY
It's fun to cook for Bob.  Today I made angel food cake.  The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.  The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.



TUESDAY
 Bob wanted fruit salad for supper.  The recipe said serve without dressing.  So I didn't dress.  What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.




WEDNESDAY
A good day for rice.  The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.  It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath.  I can't say it improved the rice any.




THURSDAY
Today Bob asked for salad again.  I tried a new recipe.  It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.  Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.




FRIDAY
I found an easy recipe for cookies.  It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it.  There must have been something wrong with this recipe.  When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.





SATURDAY
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.  He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).  For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.




SUNDAY
Bob's folks came to dinner.  I wanted to serve roast.  All I could find was hamburger.  Suddenly I had a flash of genius.  I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast.  It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.




GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY
This has been a very exciting week.  I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob.  If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Value

To realize
The value of a sister/brother
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
Who has given birth to
A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.
 
To realize the value of a friend or family member:
LOSE ONE.
 
Time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when
You can share it with someone special.
 
Remember...
Hold on tight to the ones you love!

The origin of this letter is unknown,
But it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

A Tourist in New Zealand

An English tourist was driving through the South Island of New Zealand when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a sheep.


A few kilometers further on he came upon a small  town, so he parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.


He grabbed a cold beer, sat at a table, and then took a look around the bar.  He immediately noticed a one-legged guy sitting over at a corner table, masturbating without a care in the world.


The English tourist turned to the bartender and said, “What sort of country is this?  A few kilometers back down the road there was this guy having sex with a sheep and now that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone."


The bartender said, "You heartless bastard.  He's only got one leg.  How do you expect him to catch a sheep?"

Sunday, June 21, 2015

After the Holidays

Misty and Milda were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays.
 
Mitsy said, “My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their `thank you’ notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I always received a lovely `thank you’ note. However, since my daughter-in-law stopped making the grand kids send thank you notes, I never hear from them.”
 
Milda said, “My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send `thank you’ notes. I too send them a very generous cheque. However, for the past several years, I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit.”
 
“Wow,” remarked Mitsy. “I wish mine would do that.”
 
“You can, Mitsy, you can.”

“How?”
 
Mitsy asked “Simple. Do what I do. Don’t sign the cheque!

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Happy Father’s Day

Sunday 21st June is the day we celebrate fathers here in the US.  Not sure when it is celebrated in other parts of the world but to every father, step-father, and father figure everywhere…I wish you a wonderful day!
happy fathers day

good dad



This is the kind of good daddy my oldest son is.
















father stop wearing saggy pants
fathers day
















wanna be just like dad

let daddy get it












A-father-means
 
loving memory of fathers

Friday, June 19, 2015

Favorite Flower?

Sorry I haven't been visiting much around blogland...still crazy around here.  I'm juggling as fast as I can and hope to get caught up with all y'all as soon as I can.  Thank you for all the emails, messages, prayers and good wishes...they are very much appreciated and do help.  Meanwhile, thought I'd share the following with you.  Hope you enjoy...

Which flower’s your favorite? According to the following, it actually reveals secret Information about yourself!
Flowers are lovely. One brimming bouquet of blooms can transform any drab space into an environment that feels breezy and light, adding a tiny pinch of delight to anyone who gets an eyeful of their glory.

To find out what your favorite flower says about you, just take our simple quiz. I did, and I was surprised by how spot on it was…

Choose the flower that you are most drawn to below.  If your all-time favorite flower is not listed, choose the one you like best from these options. Once you have decided on your favorite, keep scrolling down until you find your results. 
 
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Maya Borenstein for LittleThings

 

Flower Number One: Poppy
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ThinkStock / Pakhnyushchyy

If you are a fan of the bright, little poppy, like the flower, your personality pops. You’re vibrant, quirky, enthusiastic, and often the life of the party. You are also creative, love to learn new things, and have a talent for expressing your unique personality.

Due to the intoxicating allure of the edible poppy seed, many people find your personality magnetic and you’re hard to forget. In fact, poppies are used as a symbol of remembrance and are often displayed on memorials for fallen WWI soldiers.

Yet, try not to use people’s natural attraction to you against them, because like the deadly drug opium, which this flower does produce, it can kill their spirit.
 

Flower Number Two: Iris
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ThinkStock / SteveDeming

Iris takes its name from the Greek word for “rainbow,” which is symbolic for optimism, a quality that is as valuable to you as a pot of gold. People who are attracted to irises are artistic and have wild imaginations, just like artist Vincent Van Gogh, who painted the radiant purple flower in his own unique style in many of his mot famous pieces.

Due the fact that the 5th-century French King Clovis changed the symbol on his banner from three toads to irises when he converted to Christianity also signifies that you may also have a very strong spiritual side, regardless of religious affiliation.

You do tend to get bored easily, however, which may clash with your desire to keep promises. Try your best to find start a routine, even if it’s as small as eating breakfast every morning or going for a walk every evening. It may surprise you that regularity helps tame your energy and aids you in keeping your word.

 

Flower Number Three: Tulip
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ThinkStock / kone

Most people associate tulips with the Netherlands, but native strands have been found in North Africa, Greece, Turkey, Ukraine, and China, signifying that you have a great love for travel. Yet, although you seek change and adapt very well to it, you are rooted with a deep love for family and friends.

You are sweet, sensitive, thoughtful, and charitable, yet you do have a tendency to give into indulgence. In fact, during the Ottoman Empire, the tulip was seen as a symbol of over abundance. The era during which the Ottoman Empire was wealthiest is often called the Tulip era or Lale Devri in Turkish.

If you do find yourself going overboard, stop yourself and think about what you’re doing. You have a tendency to offer others sound advice, so take the time to do yourself the same favor.

 

Flower Number Four: Rose
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ThinkStock / Falombini

Most people associate the rose with love and if you are attracted to this gorgeous flower, you are indeed passionate and your romantic relationships tend to run deep.

The rose is the national flower of England, so like the Motherland, you tend to appreciate tradition and can be a little old-fashioned. But, like Dolly Parton — who actually has a strain of rose with large, fragrant, double flowers named after her ­— you’re feminine and strive to bring out the best in others.

You do, however, have your thorns. You strive for excellence and seek perfection in your life, which is a good quality, but sometimes you expect the same from the others around you. Try to appreciate others for their flaws and you’ll soon find a new, more accepting part of yourself begin to blossom.

 

Flower Number Five: Lily
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ThinkStock / Techin24

The ancient Greeks revered the lily so much that they believed it sprouted from the milk of Hera, the queen of the gods. Because of this, if you are attracted to lilies you are dignified, well respected, and people look to you as a mother figure. You’re compassionate, kind, and help care for others.

Yet, although you are motherly, you are certainly not matronly, and like the uniquely beautiful bloom, you have an exquisite sense of style.

Being the lily is the flower of a 30th wedding anniversary, you tend to take your relationships very seriously, although you do have a very fun and playful nature, which only helps the flickers of romance stay aflame.

 

Flower Number Six: Orchid
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ThinkStock / eisuretime70

If you are drawn to orchids, you are not alone. Like you, it is classy and sophisticated, and is the most highly coveted of ornamental plants. People who like orchids are exotic and worldly, due to the 26,049 accepted species that currently dot the globe.

The delicate and graceful orchid sprouts from a solitary bulb, which means that you tend to be a mysterious loner. Yet, due to the tightly intertwined roots that engulf the plant, you do have a small circle of very close friends.

In the Victorian era, the orchid symbolized luxury signifying that appearances matter a lot to you. But you’re not shallow. Just like Queen Victoria, who ruled at the time, you are whip smart and never shy from saying exactly what’s on your mind.

 

Flower Number Seven: Violet
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ThinkStock / VukasS

In Greek and Roman mythology, the god Apollo relentlessly chased one of his sister Artemis’ nymphs. To protect the nymph from her brother, she changed her into a violet and because of this the violet is attributed to modesty and purity. If you are attracted to a violet, you are reserved, and appreciate simplicity, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t also have a strong wit.

Many dream experts believe that violets in a dream is a sign of good fortune, which means you also tend to have quite a few lucky streaks in your life.

In the John Everett Millais painting Ophelia, based on the tragic Shakespearean character, violets are found floating next to Ophelia’s dead body. Yet, do not fear that just because you are attracted to the flower, you will meet an early death. Instead this means, that like the character Ophelia, you tend to be misunderstood. Nobody knows the real you except for your close friends but being the private and true person that you are, you wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

Flower Number Eight: Daisy
clip_image009
ThinkStock / Ingram Publishing

A daisy is an international sign of cheerfulness, and if you like this sweet, little flower, you’re probably all smiles. Being that the petite bloom was also a symbol of peace and love in the ’60s flower power era, you like to spread joy, tend to be laid back, are passionate about social rights, and have lots of friends. You also thoroughly enjoy a good party.

Yet, even if you do like a fun fiesta, you most likely won’t stay out too late. The medieval poet Geoffrey Chaucer called the daisy “eye of the day” due to the fact that the flower’s whole head closes at night and opens in the morning. Because of this, you tend to be a day person and have a great appreciation for outdoor activities and nature.

Daisy is also a symbol of innocence, and because of this, you also have an adventurous streak you use to shatter a childish image. This is a good thing and enriches your life, but try, little Daisy, not to go overboard.

 

Flower Number Nine: Daffodil
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ThinkStock / plusphoto/a.collectionRF

In eastern cultures, the daffodil is considered a symbol of wealth and good fortune. But if you’re a fan of this sunny flower, you know that wealth and good fortune is a result of hard work and good karma. Because of this, you tend to be a caring and loving person. You are also ambitious, organized, and great a multitasking.

If you’re a fan of this bloom, you have an artistic side as well. A chain of daffodils that were blowing in the wind inspired the poem “I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud” by William Wordsworth who wrote the poem with his sister and wife, who were all equally inspired creatively by the beauty of the flowers.

The daffodil is also a sign of beautiful eyes in Persian literature, and you’ve gotten your fair share of compliments. But due to this, you do have a tendency to be a little vain. The scientific name for daffodil is Narcissus, which stems from the Greek myth of Narcissus, who was turned into the flower of that name due to falling in love with his own image.
 
What is your favorite flower? Were your results accurate? After everyone as answered, I will share mine with y'all. 

UPDATE 
I love many different types of flowers but if this group, I would have to say that Iris, Tulips and Roses are my favorites and yes...the combination of what they say about me is fairly accurate.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Distress at 18,000 Feet

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.


The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular-phone and yelled,

"MAYDAY, MAYDAY !!!

The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off, that he had the tower on his speed dial memory.

I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. MAYDAY, MAYDAY !!!" 


The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you, and we’ll guide you down after a few questions.
The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".
He began his series of questions:
Tower:` "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar !!!”


Tuesday, June 16, 2015

The 15 Worst Corporate Logo Fails

These are being shared out on Facebook…I have previously shared a few of these but worth sharing again along with the ones not previously shared.

London 2012 Logo
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When London unveiled its £400,000 2012 logo design, the masses were unimpressed.

Some claimed that it looked like "some sort of comical sex act between The Simpsons." (Note the figure resembling Lisa Simpson).

Others opined that the logo resembled a swastika.
On the flip-side, Iran threatened to boycott the Olympics since they believed the logo spelled out "Zion."
Pick your poison, but the logo seemed to be a resounding fail.
 
Catholic Church's Archdiocesan Youth Commission
clip_image003
This was the 1973 logo for the Catholic Church's Archdiocesan Youth Commission.
Yeah.
 
 
 
 
 






Arlington Pediatric Center
clip_image004
Oh no, there's more?
Who's approving these logos?
 
   






Sun Rise Sushi
clip_image005
The concept is a sun rising behind a Japanese tea house.
The product is, well, less serene. 
(Via Sharkbite)
   









A-Style
clip_image006
If this logo seems like a company oversight, then think again.
A-Style very intentionally created this dirty (read: buzz worthy) design.
In fact, the logo even came before the product did. After the logo became a guerrilla marketing success, the company began selling T-shirts.
 
 



Vermont Maple Syrup
clip_image007
srwild.com
I never quite realized just how much the state of Vermont looks like a side profile of someone's legs and hindquarters until I saw the logo for the state's maple syrup offerings.
 
 
 
 









Sherwin Williams
clip_image009
Coca-Cola wanted to teach the world to sing.
Apparently Sherwin Williams wanted to cover the world in blood-red paint.
The sinister "cover the earth" logo was adopted in 1906.
 
 
 
 




Mont-Sat
clip_image010
Direct marketing aimed at those looking to order Skinemax, perhaps?
(Via DeMilked)
 
 
 
 
 





Kudawara Pharmacy
clip_image011
logotod.com
This is the logo once used by a Japanese pharmacy called Kudawara. It was supposed to be the letter K, but all we can make out is two stick figures.
 
 


Locum
clip_image012
Believe it or not, Locum is a Swedish property management company.
Gotta love the language barrier.
(Via BoredPanda)
 


Mama's Baking
clip_image013
 
Facebook/MamasBaking
Mama's Baking is a cafe in Greece with a major Oedipus complex.
 
 
 
 




Kids Exchange
clip_image014
Proper punctuation should always be encouraged.
 

The Computer Doctors
clip_image016
The Computer Doctors claim to fix your computer.
You have to go somewhere else to fix your leaky genitalia. 
(Via Listverse)
 
 






Sausages?
clip_image017
This one is self-explanatory.
(Via Ranqit)
 
 
 
 
 





Junior Jazz Dance Class
clip_image018
This one is more tricky.
Focus on the dancing children to see what makes the logo inappropriate.
(Via DeMilked)
 
 





Courtesy of Business Insider

Monday, June 15, 2015

Mobile Phones

Here’s a good one from our Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years

8c8e8b

To all you mobile phone guru's…Beware!  The oldies are on a come back!

Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM- Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center
* DWI- Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL- Living on Lipitor
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TOT- Texting on Toilet
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

Sunday, June 14, 2015