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Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Monday, January 30, 2017
Eating raw fish was called poverty,
But the things that we never ever had on our table in the sixties…
Many of these were true in both the US and England but others…such eating plain white rice and as cooking outside aka grilling was definitely around in the 60’s.
Sunday, January 29, 2017
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight!
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Saturday, January 28, 2017
When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and used a crutch. But as she passed, she gave a smile.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two legs; the world is mine.
I stopped to buy some candy. The lad who sold it had such charm.
I talked with him, he seemed so glad. If I were late, it'd do no harm.
And as I left, he said to me, "I thank you, you've been so kind.
It's nice to talk with folks like you. You see," he said, "I'm blind."
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two eyes; the world is mine.
Later while walking down the street, I saw a child I knew.
He stood and watched the others play, but he did not know what to do.
I stopped a moment and then I said, "Why don't you join them dear?"
He looked ahead without a word. I forgot, he couldn't hear.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two ears; the world is mine.
With feet to take me where I'd go.
With eyes to see the sunset's glow.
With ears to hear what I'd know.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine.
After all, it's just a simple reminder that we have so much to be thankful for!
Give the gift of love. It never comes back empty! I have been truly blessed with AWESOME FRIENDS.
Friday, January 27, 2017
They dressed the truck up with the guy tied down on the Roof.
The driver and passengers put on moose heads.
Then they went down the toll road Interstate…causing 16 accidents.
Yes; they went to jail..
Yes; alcohol was involved…
Yes; men cannot be left alone.
Thursday, January 26, 2017
His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
I think she wants me to eat more fruit, bless her heart!
Awww…bless his heart…I think he needs an interpreter.
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
Her dog was in heat, but she agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.
She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me," he replied.
Monday, January 23, 2017
Sunday, January 22, 2017
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived the bastards."
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Friday, January 20, 2017
And while these tactics might seem wrong, they are all technically right.
Below are some of the best loopholes and problem-solving kid-logic has to offer.
Making you crack-up may not have been these kids’ intentions, but that’s all you’ll be able to do when you see these.
The kid who was just trying to be prepared.
Well, I think we would all hate to be on this kid’s bad side!
The kid who breaks all of the fashion rules.
He was told to wear a tie, but no one told him how to wear it!
The kid who is just too good to be a rebel.
So, if you could just work around her schedule to say good-bye forever, that’d be great.
The kid who has marriage all figured out.
It seems like a pretty fool-proof logic!
The kid who is very critical of their mom’s behavior.
Looks like this isn’t mommy’s little secret anymore.
The kid who just can’t wait to eat his pizza.
He does not want any delay to the start of his pizza party.
The kid who gives the best advice.
This kid seriously needs to go back in time and have a chat with President Lincoln.
The kid who has mastered Costco.
He will take one soda and about five straws. Just come back for him when your shopping is done.
The kid who is very literal.
But they are also very right. After all, it was math that got them the answer.
The kid who is the master of disguise.
People have always told him he looks like his mother.
The kid who will not stand for false accusations.
Don’t they know that whoever smelt it, dealt it?
The kid whose parents listen to way too much country music.
Or they party a lot. Either way, this answer was right.
The kid who knows the intricacies of the Declaration of Independence.
I mean, it obviously wasn’t at the top. That wouldn’t make sense!
The kid who really points out the obvious.
Sometimes the right answers are the most obvious!
The kid who has the best wish ever.
Can someone please get this kid a magic lamp ASAP?!
The kid who is a marketing genius.
They know the value of a good product, and you better believe they’re charging for it.
The kid everyone should take dating advice from.
This kid must have a really big family.
The kid who appreciates a good play on words.
This is the perfect comeback for anyone who is caught littering!
The kid who won’t put up with the Tooth Fairy’s nonsense.
She makes a good point. It has been well over a week and she needs the money.
The kid that knows how to get what he wants.
Because who can resist pizza?
The kid who is self-aware.
He knows what he is and he embraces it!
The kid who has a bit of an ego.
Well, I guess that would be one thing that would make them special.
The kid who just wants to get things over with.
He would have written more, but he was REALLY hungry.
The kid whose logic is just too good.
Show them evidence of ghosts and they’ll solve your math problems.
The kid who was told to name the shapes.
Is Tedison a family name?