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Saturday, August 31, 2013
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm.
Nice, slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued,
"And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he’d still be alive!"
Should have tried a metronome.
Friday, August 30, 2013
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains…
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles…
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it…
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time…
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment…
If you can conquer tension without medical help…
If you can relax without alcohol…
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs…
And you thought I was gonna get all spiritual on ya!
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.”
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren."
And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna.”
And *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipelini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asked.
"Sara Pipelini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says…
"No sister, the paper says ‘it was the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.’ "
If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!
Okay…I confess…I’m leading the way! ROFLMBO!
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
For those of you who have never heard of these or are not sure they are real, here is a definition of the Darwin Awards:
The Darwin Awards are a tongue-in-cheek "honor" named after evolutionary theorist Charles Darwin, given to people who seem to improve the human gene pool by accidentally killing or sterilizing themselves during a foolish or careless mistake. You can read more here.
I don’t know if the following are actual “Darwin Awards” or just suggestions…
Giving A Shark A Kiss
The upside of an abundance of stupid people is that this shark will always be well fed.
Looking In The Wrong Place
Will That Hold?!?!
That guy is going to need all kinds of insurance.
People Who Can't Read
Signs don't apply to these guys.
I do this all the time!
I Taut I Taw A Puddy Tat
That cat looks pissed and that bird looks clueless.
Hungry Hungry Hippo
That Crocodile Is HUGE
OMG! OMG! SERIOUSLY?!?!?! OMG!
Right Around The Corner
They got the picture. Now they need to get a clue!
Eight more to go!
Rattlesnakes are friendly! Right?
You can only start a chainsaw that way once.
What's In The Hole?
Go ahead. Give it a little gas.
Should The Hydraulics Fail
Courtesy of Awesome Takes Practice
Monday, August 26, 2013
Written permission…verbal won’t do!
How about Tigers?
So if you want 4 Deer, you challenge someone you know is not going to accept?
I would be tempted to pay the fine just to see how this is accomplished!
So you can shoot a while driving down the 101 Highway?!?
How in the heck would they manage to do that anyway?!?