Guess I shoulda stuck with chocolate...
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Thursday, April 19, 2018
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
Tuesday, April 17, 2018
Monday, April 16, 2018
Sunday, April 15, 2018
Saturday, April 14, 2018
Thursday, April 12, 2018
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Valerie.”
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out $5,000 and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back 2 nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me 3 nights in a row”. Where are you from?”
The man replied, "New Brunswick.”
"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick.”
"I know." the man said. "Your aunt died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”
The moral of this story is that 3 things in life are certain:
2. Taxes; and
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Monday, April 9, 2018
Saturday, April 7, 2018
Thursday, April 5, 2018
Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
Wednesday, April 4, 2018
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
Monday, April 2, 2018
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.
My work is done here.
Sunday, April 1, 2018
Saturday, March 31, 2018
Friday, March 30, 2018
Thursday, March 29, 2018
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"
He asks her "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."
AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
The boy approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”
The guard asked, “What’s his name?” The boy replied, “Grandpa.”
The guard smiles, then asks “What’s he like?” to which the little tyke hesitated for a moment and replied, “Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."
Sunday, March 25, 2018
Saturday, March 24, 2018
1. They want to grow old with you
When you make jokes about growing old together and chasing kids off your lawn, they have a certain look in their eye. It’s almost as if they can see themselves growing old together with you. Not only that, but they’re excited about it.
But how do you know they mean it?
Dating coach Patrick Banks says, “Do you remember that little tingle you felt in your stomach the first time you saw your significant other? The great thing about being in a relationship that’s meant to last is that this feeling only gets stronger over time. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for two years or twenty, when you’re with the person you’re meant to grow old with, you want them as badly each day as you did on the first.”
If you can see yourself growing old together with your partner too, it’s probably a sign that their love for you is unconditional and you feel safe and complete with them enough to start a life together.
2. You tell them your secrets
Telling them your secrets means that you trust them, which means that they have been trustworthy enough for you to do so. When you tell them all of your secrets, or the things you’ve been too embarrassed to tell anyone else, they don’t look at you with shock or disgust. They accept you in all that you are, embarrassing secrets included. Not only that, but they don’t even think to tell anyone, even their best friends.
3. They’re proud of you, and they tell you
No matter what your accomplishments are, big or small, they make sure to let you know that they’re proud of everything that you’ve accomplished. Even if you do something as small as clean the living room, or something as big as getting a promotion at work.
Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., professor at Oakland University and author says, “When people feel recognized as special and appreciated, they’re happier in that relationship and more motivated to make the relationship better and stronger.”
Whatever you do is something amazing to them, and they’re always ready and willing to tell you how proud they are of you for all of your successes – and even the things that you tried your best at, and failed.
4. You disagree, but always make up
All couples have arguments or disagreements. That’s not something anyone can avoid. But when the both of you disagree, you don’t let it fester into resentments. They are always willing to discuss and communicate and come to a compromise or the end of an argument. You never have to worry about an argument causing contention in the relationship, because you know that in the end you’re going to make up.
5. They’re always chivalrous
Even if the two of you have been together for twenty years, when your partner loves you unconditionally, they’re always going to go out of their way to make sure that you’re comfortable and happy. They’ll still pull your chair out for you, or get the door. They’ll always make sure to help you unload the groceries or simply get up to get you a glass of water when you’re thirsty.
Licensed social worker, certified life coach, and author David Schroeder, LMSW, CPC points out that, “Love is more than a feeling or emotion, it is a conscious action and choice to aid the well-being of another. It’s the willingness to give love, affection, and admiration with openness, acceptance, and appreciation.”
Unconditional love is making sure that you’re happy and healthy.
6. They’re protective of you
This doesn’t mean that they’re going to be jealous if you go out with friends. Rather, they’re always going to want to make sure that you’re safe. They’ll go out of their way to make sure that you have a ride home if you go out, or make sure that you can catch a ride home if they can’t. That protective streak will never go away, either. If your partner loves you unconditionally, they’re always going to want to make sure that you’re safe and sound, no matter what.
7. They’re emotionally vulnerable in front of you
A lot of people have a hard time opening up emotionally. Even if that is the case, your partner will have no problem opening up to you and showing that emotional vulnerability.
“Showing unconditional love means being vulnerable, authentic and honest. Trusting each other enough to show all of yourself to your partner. To be their safe haven, the one person in all the world that they can be raw with, to invest all of their trust and hope in,” adds Fensterheim.
They’re going to tell you their hopes, dreams, fears and secrets – and each time you’ll know that they love and trust you more than anyone else.
Being in love is a wonderful experience, and when your partner loves you unconditionally, it’s easier to let go and let yourself be more open and vulnerable than ever before.
“Unconditional love is not an unhealthy codependent relationship where one person compromises everything to please the other. You both compromise and treat each other with kindness. Showing love means you’re in this together no matter what. You are the other person’s champion in life,” says Fensterheim.
If you see the signs in your partner and yourself, congratulations! You’re in a relationship that will surely stand the tests of time, and all the stress and curveballs that life has to throw at you.
Courtesy of Power of Positivity