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Saturday, April 30, 2016

New Seniors Complex

On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
 

He continued, " Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.  Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $80.
 

Are there any questions?"
 


At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired:

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"How much for a season pass???”

Open-mouthed smile

Friday, April 29, 2016

The Pickle Factory

Bryan worked in a pickle factory.  For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.


Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up.  He advised Bryan to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early.  His wife became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.


Bryan tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.


His wife gasped and ran over to her husband.  She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.


She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?
Bryan replied, "I think she got fired, too."

Oops!  Laughing out loud

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Irish Pub

A group of American tourists walked into a pub in Cork, Ireland.

One of them said in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers.  I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."  The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving.

No one took up the bet.

40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000."

"Grand," replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

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It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman. "I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?"
 
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."


Surprised smile

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Name that Tune!

This song was popular in the 60's and everyone slow dance to it. 
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Can you name the song, just by looking at the picture????
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You'll kick yourself!!
 
 
Think harder!!!!!
 
 
Give up??????
 
 
 
MOON RIVER!!!!!
Open-mouthed smile

Hey, don't blame me. This was sent to me by a friend who thinks I have a warped sense of humor!  Of course I do!   Winking smile

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Laws of the World

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

5. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

6. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!

17. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it!!

18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.


Never fails!

Monday, April 25, 2016

Jack is now Advocating Alcohol!

Yea…that Jack!  You know the one…Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years! Winking smile  Hope you enjoy!




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Saturday, April 23, 2016

10 Affirmations You Never Want to Tell Yourself

We talk a lot here about the power of positive affirmations, because they can truly change your life for the better if you practice them consistently. A few demeaning thoughts here and there might seem innocent enough, but they can quickly start multiplying if you don’t counter them with more positive thoughts.
 
If you tell yourself any of the following affirmations on a regular basis, make sure you stop telling them to yourself right now, and swap them out for more uplifting, positive affirmations instead.
 

1. “I’ll never be good enough.”

By far, this sentence right here disempowers people more than anything else. It automatically sets you up for failure before you even begin, because it instills the limiting belief that you just don’t possess the qualities to succeed in life. Remember, you incarnated here during these times because you have a specific purpose, and the strength to bear all of life’s struggles. You ARE good enough, because otherwise, you wouldn’t have been called upon to make a difference.
 

2. “I can’t.”

Think of how much you have accomplished in your life so far, and how many opportunities you’ve found by overcoming obstacles. Your ego always wants to take the lead and discourage you from moving forward, but your heart can quickly overpower your mind as long as you believe in it. Remember, what you think about comes about, so by believing you can’t do something, you will manifest that exact reality. Empower yourself, and realize that the only limits in life are the ones you place on yourself.
 

3. “I will never get out of this situation.”

Just because your present doesn’t represent the life you really want, doesn’t mean that the universe won’t help you create a better reality. Struggles are inevitable in life, but remember, those who have met the most challenges will receive the most rewards later on. Good things take time, so don’t doubt what the universe has in store for you. It may not seem like it, but everything ALWAYS works in divine order, and your current situation reflects your vibration right now. Change your vibration to change your situation.
 

4. “My life is a mess.”

Learn to see the beauty in chaos. Just because you don’t have everything in order and live a “perfect” existence, doesn’t mean you can’t have an enjoyable life. The happiest people just make the best of their situation, change what they can, and forget about what they can’t. We often magnify our problems, but don’t give thanks for our blessings. Focus on what you love about your life, and the problems you face will suddenly seem less severe.
 
5. “I need to live up to other’s expectations to make them happy.”
If others only feel happy when you meet certain conditions, then that’s a problem with themselves, not with you. Therefore, it only makes sense to make yourself happy, and others can either hop on board the happy train, or complain their days away because they had a different idea of how you should live. At the end of your life, you’ll want to look back and say you lived how YOU wanted, not how others suggested you should.
 

6. “Everything is hopeless.”

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Giving in to the idea that you can’t make changes in your life only makes you a victim, leaving you powerless, afraid, and frustrated. You can only cultivate a more hopeful, positive attitude about life by changing yourself first, because then the outside world will match your vibration. Where you once saw destruction, you will see opportunities to plant the seeds of change. Where you once saw angry people, you will see people to give your love to so that their faith in humanity might be restored. It’s only hopeless if you believe it is, so try to see the positive in any situation.
 

7. “Life is too hard.”

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” – Khalil Gibran
Remember this quote next time you feel you can’t take another step; every battle you fight in life only makes you a more resilient, capable human being. Every struggle makes you stronger, so don’t let them get you down; feel thankful for the lessons you’ve learned, and use them to sculpt the life you’ve envisioned for yourself.
 

8. “I feel so alone.”

We have over 7 billion people on this planet, so even if you feel lonely at times, just know that someone, somewhere, is going through the same thing as you. If you feel alone, get to know yourself better, and learn to enjoy your own company. You can’t feel alone if you enjoy who you’re spending time with, and this will help you to connect deeper with others as well.
 

9. “It’s too late for me to change my life.”

No matter if you’re 35 or 75, you can ALWAYS make a difference in your life. Age is just a number, and time is everlasting. Just do what you can in each moment you have breath in your body, and you won’t have any regrets. Make the most of what you have, and don’t allow the past to dictate your present or future. You have the power to mold your life however you choose, and life can change in an instant based on the choices you make in the moment.
 
10. “I give up.”
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The moment you say this to yourself, you admit defeat. You reject any further experiences for growth that you might have had, and instead tell yourself that you don’t have what it takes to keep going. But, you forget that you have limitless potential, and you came here to embody your highest self. You have everything you need within, so don’t let your ego tell you otherwise.
 
Keep this powerful quote in mind anytime you feel negative thoughts creeping up:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”
– Marianne Williamson
 
Courtesy of Power of positivity

Friday, April 22, 2016

Miss Beatrice


Organ-Console
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
 
One afternoon the pastor went to check on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
 
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
 
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
 
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
 
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
 

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
 

The pastor fainted.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Cultural Diversity

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity.
 
"You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."
 
The cannibals promised they would not.



Four weeks later, their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you.  However, one of our shipping clerks has disappeared.  Do any of you know what happened to her?"
 
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
 


After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the shipping clerk?"
 
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool…for 4 weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything.  But Noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"

cannibal

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Vaccum is Broken

A  retired guy sits around the house all day.


So one day his wife says, “Joel, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week”.


The guy gives it a moment’s thought and says; “sure why not.  Show me to the vacuum.


Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. 

His wife says, “I didn't hear the vacuum working, I thought you were using it”?


Exasperated, Joe answers,”The stupid thing is broken, it won't start.   We need to buy a new one”.


“Really”, she says, “show me…it worked fine the last time”.  


So he did (Click Here)... Open-mouthed smile 

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Couple of Dollars


A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
 


The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
 


"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
 
 


"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money.  Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.  "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
 


The man replied, "That's okay.  It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

Monday, April 18, 2016

What "Cool" Used to Look Like!

 
A young Paul Newman
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Marlon Brando's screen test in "Rebel Without A Cause" (1955).
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Children of Chicago (1941)
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The gorgeous necklines of the 1950s
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Audrey Hepburn at a premiere on September 14, 1953.
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Sigourney Weaver in a suit
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A young Harrison Ford
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A young boy stealing the show, back when middle school kids knew how to dance (1950)
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Clint Eastwood with actresses Olive Sturgess and Dani Crayne in SanFrancisco, 1954
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The original way to 'text' in Class (1944)
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A gang of greasers in NYC, 1950
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Caroline Kennedy walks ahead while her father, the most powerful man in the world, carries her doll. (1960)
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Teenagers and their first car (1950s)
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Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau and his cabinet - 1968.
These men knew how to wear a suit.
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Sophia Loren, one of the only actresses to win an Oscar, Grammy, and Golden Globe awards.
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A famous quote of hers:  "Sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got and fifty percent what people think you've got."
They don't come any better than this woman..wow!

Ellen O'Neal, the greatest woman freestyleskateboarder in the 1970s.
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A man ice skating in a suit (1937)
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This is how teenagers dated in the 1950s
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High school fashion feature in Life Magazine (1969)
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Frank Sinatra stepping out of a helicopter with a drink
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Dean Martin & Angie Dickinson on the set of Rio Bravo, 1959
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Girl with typewriter and a smoke
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A couple on Michigan Avenue in Chicago (1975)
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A stylish couple in the rain in London (1963)
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Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip at the horse races (1968)
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Muhammad Ali looking dapper
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Paul McCartney and Mick Jagger sit opposite each other on a train to Bangor. (1967)
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A young Michael Caine in 1959
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A couple dancing in a 1950's "Be Bop" theater as everyone looks on.
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Girl on a scooter (1969)
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Ernest Hemingway's striking passport photo (1923)
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The definition of old school cool. Cary Grant in the 1950s
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Just wanted to remind everyone what "cool" really looked like!

 Notice that there are no sagging pants...