Interesting Study

Anthropomorphic Nouns

We are all familiar with…

a herd of cows,


 
a flock of chickens,


 
a school of fish,



and a gaggle of geese.



However, less widely known is:

a pride of lions,


 
a murder of crows,


 
(as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),



an Exaltation of doves,



and, presumably because they look so wise,

a parliament of owls.


 

Now consider a group of baboons.  Baboons are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not... A Congress!



A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!
 


That pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington!

You just can’t make this stuff up.

Obituary in the NY Times

At first she was puzzled as she started reading this obituary in the paper.  But what followed was genius.

An obituary printed in the New York Times…

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

• Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
• Why the early bird gets the worm;
• Life isn't always fair;
• And maybe it was my fault.

 

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

 

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

 

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

 

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

 

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

 

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

 

Common Sense was preceded in death,

• by his parents, Truth and Trust,
• by his wife, Discretion,
• by his daughter, Responsibility,
• and by his son, Reason.

 

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;

• I Know My Rights
• I Want It Now
• Someone Else Is To Blame
• I'm A Victim
• Pay me for Doing Nothing

 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

 

I removed the jpg and manually typed this in as I had several emails letting me know that it was extremely blurry and difficult to read.  Hope this helps.

DST Fall 2016

 
As I’ve said before, I really believe this started out as a big joke with DST meaning for Dumb and Stupid Time and the government went for it!

The Request

Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years hasn’t sent a giggle for a while so was very happy to get this very funny one.    Hope you enjoy!  

---

An old priest lay dying.
 
He sent a message for an Australian Tax Office collector and his Lawyer to come to the hospital.
 

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.

As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
 

For a time, no one said anything.
 

Both the tax collector and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
 
They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
 

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here?”
 
 
The old priest mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go.”   

Doctors

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist so they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones : Hysterias and Posteriors.  The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics…no go.

Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives…thumbs down again.
   
Then came Minds and Behinds…still no good.
 
Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes…unacceptable again!
 
So they tried Nuts and Butts…no way.

Freaks and Cheeks…still no good.
 
Loons and Moons…forget it.


Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones…Specializing in Odds and Ends.


Everybody loved it.

Hospital Tour

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.


During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful!  Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen,  and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.



As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!  How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health insurance."

Why Yard Sales are Important

Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years is getting quite prolific and this is one of his best!   Hope you enjoy!

Sound advice for everybody…
 
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
 
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
 
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
 
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
 
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
 
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

 
Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)

 
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

 

At the Bar

Enjoy!

 
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking.  I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on...It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."
 
His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding...I'm in Government too. Are you federal or state?" 

Crocodile Conversation

It’s all in how you prepare it! 

DST Spring 2016

For those of you who ‘participate’ in this nonsense…

 

FYI, I really believe this started out as a big joke with DST meaning for Dumb and Stupid Time and the government went for it!

The Briefcase

No matter what your country, party affiliation, or ideology, this is funny…

---

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairie without water.  His horse had already died of thirst.  He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.  He opens it and out pops a genie.


But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook.  She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.  'Well, cowboy,' says the genie, 'You know how I work...You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy, 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'


'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. 'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.


'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich...beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.


 'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.  Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.


Moral of the story:

If the U.S. government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

Little Johnny

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is.
 

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was.
 

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
 

''I still don't get it'' responded Little Johnny.
 
''Why don't you sleep on it then?  Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
 
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Johnny and went off to bed.
 

**********************************
In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying.

He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper.
 

So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help.
 


**********************************
When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep.

Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there.
 


**********************************
So he went to the maid's room.

When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.
 


**********************************
Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of sh*t!''

Courtesy of http://rfsproductions.ilyke.net/

One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "F**k this," "F**k that." 
 
 
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us." 
 
 
"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny. 
 
"Yes," says the priest. 
 
 
"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny. 
 
"Yes," says the priest." 
 
 
Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny. 
 
"Yes," says the priest. 

 
 
"Well tell him to get the f**k out and push!!!"
 

Courtesy of http://rfsproductions.ilyke.net/