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Friday, September 30, 2016
Neither do I!
BUT…If you know who they are, tell them that they left their camera on the plane.
Thursday, September 29, 2016
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up.
The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving.
The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.
The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!"
The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
- Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
- The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full - of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it...
- Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, they have wingspans... They are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, they are flying squirrels in drag.
- Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
- Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves... and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
- Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream: "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"
- Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself, and your chins follow suit.
- You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions - What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Monday, September 26, 2016
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh...
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."