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Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Kind of a cool way to take a casket to the cemetery.
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery.
Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners.
"As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."
Monday, October 30, 2017
Sunday, October 29, 2017
Saturday, October 28, 2017
Friday, October 27, 2017
Thursday, October 26, 2017
a herd of cows,
a flock of chickens,
a school of fish,
and a gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is:
a pride of lions,
a murder of crows,
(as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),
an Exaltation of doves,
and, presumably because they look so wise,
a parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of baboons. Baboons are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not... A Congress!
A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!
That pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington!
You just can’t make this stuff up.
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
Monday, October 23, 2017
Sunday, October 22, 2017
Saturday, October 21, 2017
Alpha women are strong of mind and independent in every sense of the word. They are used to taking charge and can intimidate some people. They are confident and ambitious and not afraid to tell people what is what. That kind of power can be off-putting for some partners who are either overly competitive with the Alpha Woman or too submissive to be a true partner. So what does a true Alpha Woman need to maintain a strong and healthy relationship?
HERE ARE 10 THINGS ALPHA WOMEN NEED IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. THEY NEED TO BE CHALLENGED
A partner to an Alpha woman needs to be able to hold their own. The Alpha woman needs someone to compete with and who is secure enough in their own abilities to be gracious in victory and a good sport in defeat.
2. THEY NEED TRUST
They need to know that what they tell you in confidence will stay in that relationship vault. They need to be able to vulnerable and let their guard down once in a while. They need to trust someone not to stab them in the back for their own personal gain.
3. THEY NEED RESPECT
They need their partner to respect their decisions and not to second guess them at every turn. It is okay to challenge them before the decision is made but not afterward. They need their space and their boundaries respected as well. This also includes not being lied to for whatever reason. They need someone who doesn’t belittle them when they are angry or put them on a pedestal they will fall off of eventually.
4. THEY NEED THEIR INDEPENDENCE
They need to be able to enjoy their personal passions, their friends and do what needs to be done. They don’t need a clingy person who can’t survive for a few hours without them. They want someone like them who also has their own life outside of the relationship.
5. THEY NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN KEEP UP
Alpha women have things that have to be done and no one is going to do those things for them. They are moving at a high speed. They are time-efficient and booked solid. They need someone who can hang with them and their high-pressure and high-intensity environment.
6. THEY NEED AN EQUAL PARTNER
They need someone who is an equal partner; someone who carries their own weight in the relationship. They need someone who has their own opinions, who has their own finances in order and who has their ego in a healthy place. They need someone to walk with them, not behind them or in front of them. They don’t have to be the same or have the same opinions, hobbies or friends. They have to be a complete and self-sufficient person on their own though before they can be a partner.
7. THEY NEED TO LAUGH
They need someone who can make them laugh and lighten the mood in their often stressful and high pressure lives. They need someone who can bring a smile to their face, who can tease them and be teased in return without hurt feelings on either side.
8. THEY NEED TO BE CALLED OUT WHEN NECESSARY
They need someone who is strong and secure enough to call out an alpha woman on her own bullsh*t. Someone to remind them that they are not perfect and that they can in fact make mistakes from time to time without being a jerk about it. Everyone needs their ego checked occasionally and the alpha woman is no exception. Their power and personality makes it necessary to have someone who will reign them in a bit when they go off the rails.
9. THEY NEED SOMEONE WHO IS INFORMED
In order to be all of these things, a partner of an alpha woman has to be informed about things from current events to esoteric knowledge. They have to be able to have an intelligent conversation with the alpha woman and express ideas on her level. In the age of social media and information bubbles, it is important for the partner of an alpha woman to have a well-tuned bullsh*t detector.
10. THEY NEED SOMEONE WITH TACT
Most importantly, they need someone with tact, someone who knows when to have that intense talk about something important and when to let it go for now. They need someone who can handle their moods and emotions without ruffling feathers any more than they already are. They need someone who is thoughtful and sensitive enough to pick up on how they are feeling and to broach difficult subjects in private.
Friday, October 20, 2017
A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
He says to Ole, "Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Ole, How was your day?"
Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo, mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: ‘HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!’"
"Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes!!"
You thought I was sending a dirty joke!! - NOT ME! (This was part of Jack’s email…not my note! You know me better.)
Remember - Keep Smiling - It makes people wonder what you're up to!!
Thursday, October 19, 2017
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA…FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
26. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
28. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
29. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
30. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
31. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
32. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
33. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
Monday, October 16, 2017
Have you ever heard your grandmother say, “Well, I Swan” and wondered why she was talking about aquatic fowl? Or described someone as living “high on the hog” but have no idea how the phrase came to mean “living well?”
We southerners are known for our funny turns of phrase. People of all cultures enjoy trying to figure out where we get our colorful phrases. We researched the origins of 15 popular southern phrases so that the next time someone asks, you can tell them the back story.
What’s your favorite southern phrase? If we missed it this time, we’ll try to get it on the next list.