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Friday, January 31, 2014
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..."
Then the electricity goes out.
Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.
'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Mick asked.
'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.
'Could I see him?'
Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
How About Some PrivacyIf you post intimate picks of your GF on FB, you probably won't have a GF very long but maybe you'll be popular on FB?
Sniffing Around?These sexy pics always seem like a cool idea "look at me, I'm so fun and open minded", but we promise you they are not. And so will your father.
Nothing But a Lying Used Shirt SalesmanNext she is going to try to sell us a cell phone that has never taken a picture, or that mirror that has never reflected anything! This shyster cannot be trusty, just like any salesman.
We Can Translate For YouIt means: beef fried rice with a side of dumplings and a small Pepsi to drink.
Bieber Loves PenguinsEveryone knows this is a penguin. The blowhole, flippers, bottle nose, you know a penguin! Is that Bieber, by the way, because if it's not he could definitely work in a wax museum playing Bieber.
That Should Definitely WorkYou could make a trip to the Apple Store, but we are pretty sure they are going to tell you the same thing as Keith here. We don't see anything wrong with it, just turn that power switch off and then on and you should be good as new.
Statues are People Just Like UsYou didn't know? Someone has to hold that pose, switch shifts when no one is around and live the statue lifestyle day and night. It's not an easy business, folks, being a statue.
This is Facebook Not CraigslistThe anonymity of Craigslist is great because you don't have to do things like attempt to sell your used sex whip to your closest friends in family, who undoubtedly are picturing you using said whip in the most graphic ways imaginable. Mental scarring to the max.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Friday, January 24, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"
The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."
The husband replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
The wife asks, “Could you please fix the steps to the front door then? They're about to break."
"I’m not a damn carpenter, and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this! I'm going to the bar."
So he goes to the bar, has a few drinks, and starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife. So he decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are fixed. Inside, the hall light is working and the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey," he asks, "How did all this get fixed?"
His wife said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."
"So what kind of cake did you bake him"? asked her husband.
"Hello! Does it look like I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
Uhoh!!!!!! Definitely not a DD/TTWD couple!
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Anywho...I thought I would share one of my recipes. Here is a Banana bread recipe that uses applesauce and honey rather than oil and sugar for a nice change. It is very easy!
2 cups flour1 teaspoon baking soda1/4 teaspoon salt1/2 cup applesauce3/4 cup honey2 eggs – beaten3 very ripe bananas – mashed1/2 cup chopped walnuts (optional)
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
- Tear off a sheet of parchment paper large enough to line the bottom and sides of a 9x5 inch loaf pan.
- In a large bowl, combine flour, baking soda and salt. Stir well.
- In a separate bowl, mix together applesauce and honey.
- Stir eggs and mashed bananas in to applesauce/honey mixture until well blended.
- Stir banana mixture into flour mixture – just enough to moisten so there are no dry ingredients.
- Stir in walnuts - if using.
- Pour batter into lined loaf pan.
- Bake approximately 60 to 65 minutes, until a knife inserted into center of the loaf comes out clean.
- Let bread cool in pan for 10 minutes, then turn out onto a wire rack.
- If you don’t have or don’t want to use parchment paper, then lightly grease the loaf pan.
- Sometimes I use whole wheat flour rather than white flour.
- You can always use nuts other than walnuts...they are just my favorite.
- You don't have to use any nuts if you don't want to! LOL
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Monday, January 20, 2014
#1 Throw Away The Tylenol!
A study has discovered that 48% of people that suffer from regular headaches had them cured by having an orgasm. Talk about a "home remedy!" This really does work!
#2 Yes, Nipplegasms Are Real
Well, boobs are not just for feeding babies and motor boating. According to ob-gyn Christiane Northrup, stimulated nipples release oxytocin which causes the same vaginal contractions linked with an orgasm. Hmmm…
#3 Just Think About It
Both men and women have the ability to think their way to an intense explosion in their pants. According to sex therapist Gina Ogden, P.h.D., " It's a combination of breathing, fantasy, and giving yourself permission to focus on yourself." This actually makes sense when you think about it.
#4 Labor Orgasms
It has become apparent that some women experience an orgasm when giving birth. Please leave that out of the birth story you tell your child. Yea…ummm…2 kiddos and didn’t happen either time so guess I don’t have to worry about leaving that part out.
#5 Let's Play 20 Seconds
The average orgasm lasts for 20 seconds. During this amazing time you have contractions every 0.08 seconds. These contractions can be strengthened by doing regular kegel exercises. Bring on the kegel’s!
#6 Just Relax
Women with higher stress levels than normal tend to have lower level of physical arousal. Just calm down and "woosah" for a minute. Not exactly sure what “woosah” is supposed to mean so just breathe and relax.
#7 And The Oscar Goes To...
A whopping 60% of women have admitted to giving Oscar-worthy performances in bed, making their partners believe that they have reached the Big O. Men claim not to be fooled by these performances. Guess I’m weird…never have understood why.
#8 Girls Doing It For Themselves
According to sex expert, Dr. David Devlin, approximately 47% of women experience their first orgasm through masturbation by the age of 18. A perfect example of loving yourself first before others. LOL…guess that’s one way of putting it.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Saturday, January 18, 2014
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So this is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; then for next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!”
Courtesy of ilyke.net
Wonder why the teacher never learns her lesson regarding little Johnny.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Meanwhile, here’s a yummy alternative to Banana bread.
- 2 cups flour
- 1 teaspoon baking powder
- 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- 1 teaspoon cinnamon
- 1/2 cup butter
- 1 cup sugar
- 2 eggs
- 1 teaspoon vanilla
- 1 cup applesauce
- 1/2 cup chopped walnuts (optional)
- Sift all dry ingredients together and set aside.
- Cream butter then beat in sugar.
- Add eggs and beat well.
- Add vanilla, applesauce, and dry ingredients.
- Mix well.
- Add nuts.
- Line loaf pan with parchment paper or grease well.
- Pour mixture into loaf pan and bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour.
- Cool in pan 5 to 10 minutes on rack.
- Turn out onto plate.
- Cool 10 – 15 minutes before slicing.
Very easy and extremely yummy!
As always, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask and if you try the recipe, I would love any feedback you would care to give.
Hope you enjoy!
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Merryville, Missouri prohibits women from wearing corsets. Why you may ask? The law states, "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." Oh really? And of course, her “rights” or even “wishes” are not important.
No Marriage for Me!In Cali, Columbia it is a law for the bride's mother to be in the room to witness the act of sex on her wedding night. Mom in the room is definitely not a turn on. Good luck with that! Oh yes…I am sure that this is such a turn on for the bride and groom!
Sex With Satan!It is a law in Bakersfield, California that you must wear a condom when having sex with Satan. Apparently the spawn of Satan isn't welcome in Bakersfield! Can’t quite decide if they are saying Satan is gay or a female.
Alternating Between Family Members
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a mother and her daughter at the same time. Seems like they need to plan alternate date nights!
Masturbation Can Result In Death!In Indonesia it is illegal to masturbate and it is punishable by decapitation. How are the Indonesian masturbation police going to know? Do you report yourself? Better make sure all doors are locked and curtains closed tightly!
Nevada Has a Tough Stance on CondomsIt is illegal to have sex without a condom in Nevada. Way to promote safe sex! As with so many of these laws, how are they gonna know?
Wedding DayIn Oblong, Illinois it is illegal to make love while you are hunting or fishing on your wedding day. Better rethink that honeymoon camping trip! Alrighty then…
In Florida, there is a law on the books that says a man may not kiss his wife's breasts. The Florida law that makes having sexual relations with a porcupine illegal is understandable...but no lip love for breasts? Come on, Florida! I really do have to wonder what was behind this law being written!
Art of Seduction
In Michigan, a law is on the books that threatens five years of imprisonment for any man who seduces and corrupts an unmarried girl. Something tells us this one doesn't get prosecuted all that often. Think the key is “seduces AND corrupts” so even if she is seduced…ya gotta prove she wasn’t previously corrupted.
Missionary or Miss OutIn North Carolina, the only acceptable sex position is missionary, and you may only engage in missionary-style sex when the shades are pulled. OMG…got a feeling that every single person in blog land has broken this law if they have been in North Carolina! LOL
If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say...
In Willowdale, Oregon it is illegal for a man to curse during sex. No more naughty name calling! Oops!
Getting Unnatural in Mississippi
In Mississippi, an act of "unnatural intercourse," if both parties voluntarily consent, can result in a maximum prison sentence of 10 years and fine of $10,000. Godspeed to whoever learns exactly what kind of intercourse Mississippi constitutes to be "unnatural." Yup…would definitely be interested in hearing their definition of “unnatural.”
Turn Off That MeterIn Massachusetts, taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts. So…they could make love in the front seat of their taxi before or after their shifts?
I Now Pronounce You Moose & Moose
In Fairbanks, Alaska, even the moose are not allowed to have sex in the streets! When two moose love each other very much... Did anyone inform the moose of this law? And just how is it enforced? Arrest that moose!
Some of these might be duplicates as these float around in emails but they are still funny.
Hope you enjoy!