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Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Never Lie To Your Rabbi

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "Irving, I need a favor - I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in temple for an hour after services for me?"


Irving not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.


After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked, "Irving what are you really up to with all this?"

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi "I'm sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."


The wise rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder, said "Irving I think you'd better hurry home—my wife died two years ago!"

Oops!

Monday, August 21, 2017

Petrol Pump Wisdom

Words of wisdom for one and all...

A Johannesburg, South Africa filling station has become quite a landmark in Gauteng with its daily #PetrolPumpWisdom – uplifting quotes written on a chalkboard.

Some motorists say they deliberately travel this route just to read the quote which brightens their day!!

Here's a selection:

Petrol Pump Wisdom p1
 
Petrol Pump Wisdom p2

Petrol Pump Wisdom p3
Petrol Pump Wisdom p4
Petrol Pump Wisdom p5

Petrol Pump Wisdom p6
Petrol Pump Wisdom p7

The lady behind this wonderful initiative at Hutton Hyde Park is Alison Billett.

She told SA People: "We inherited the board from the previous owner, Dick Hutton, when we bought the filling station from him almost 20 years ago."

"We continued the tradition and it has become a landmark – more so now that it's on social media!"

Petrol Pump Wisdom p8

"Not a day goes by when I don't get a call or a visit from someone to tell me how much they appreciate the message – it seems that every day there's something that just speaks to what is going on in someone's life and that inspires or motivates them."
 
Petrol Pump Wisdom p9

 
"Having people come and tell me their stories and how the quote helped them in some small way is what motivates me to keep writing!"

"We use a variety of quotations – some are topical, some are funny, some are inspirational,
some even reflect what is going on in my life that day!"

"Different things appeal to different people…"
 
Petrol Pump Wisdom p10
 
 
"The boards were spotted by a motivational speaker from the UK, Geoff Ramm, when he was driving by one day and he was so taken by them he included a piece about them in his book!"

Petrol Pump Wisdom p11
 
"The boards have appeared many times in newspapers and magazines and been spoken about on radio stations all over the world. 9GAG has re-tweeted them a few times too!"

Bob 95 FM in the USA recently posted Alison's "Rest in Peace" quote which has now been shared over a quarter of a million times around the world!"


clip_image001
Petrol Pump Wisdom p12

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Conversation on the Bus

Two guys are riding to work on the bus.


They both see two dogs going at it on a lawn. One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says, "Geez, I'd give anything to do it to my wife like that."
 
The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy. Just feed her three martinis."
 

The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning.

The single one asks the other, "Well, did you get her to do it?"
 

The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis."
🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸
 

"Six martinis! How come so many?"
 

"Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn."
🍸🍸🍸

Saturday, August 19, 2017

I’ve Learned

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Yea!!!!
 
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
 
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
 
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they are gone from your life.
 
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a life.
 
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
 
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
 
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
 
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. .
 
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. πŸ‘πŸ‘

Friday, August 18, 2017

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

School Field Trip



A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses, but mostly to see the horses.



When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.



The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one.



As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."



"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help. πŸ˜„

Monday, August 14, 2017

Estate Planning

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.



Tom wanted two things:
To learn how to invest his inheritance
To find a wife to share his fortune.



One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars. "



Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.



Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.



Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

For the Men



Sad, But As I Get Older, I Think Differently...




After a long day working on the Ranchero, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have some hot Wings and ice tea.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them...
 "The one who knows how to fix elevators.
I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot."

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Black and White TV




Think ya'll will enjoy this...



  Black and White TV
(Under age 45? You won't understand.)
 
You could hardly see for all the snow,
 
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
 
 
'Good Night, David.
Good Night, Chet.'
 


My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
 

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter and I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not
in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting E.coli.
 

Almost all of us would
Have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.


The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
 

We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion
soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
 

Flunking gym was not an option... Even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
 

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
 

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? 
Ours wore a hat and everything.
 

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something 
before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
 

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
 

Oh yeah... And where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? 
I could have been killed!
 

We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids
liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
 

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $99 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving
a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
 

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either; because if we did we got our butt spanked there and then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.
 

I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off.
  Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house.
Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a jerk. 
It was a neighborhood run amuck.
 

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.
 
How could we possibly have known that?
 
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes.
 
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even
notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
 

How did we ever survive?
 
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA; 
AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T, 
SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. 
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!
 

Remember that life's most simple pleasures are very often the best.