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Monday, November 30, 2015

Time for School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son.  It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mum?  I don't want to go."

 
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school.  Come on now and get ready."

 
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old.  And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Please Join Us

PSA

Dust off your baking pans, because on Wednesday, December 9th 2015
The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza returns!

Won't YOU please join us?

It's easy to play along.
Just post a recipe that day for a holiday goodie -- any goodie. 

It doesn't have to be for cookies…or even be sweet.
We do not discriminate against any goodie.

(We are equal opportunity consumers around here.)
  That's pretty much all there is to it.
 
The single catch is that there's only one way to get your name in the official list of participants: You have to contact Jz by Monday, Dec. 7th with both your name and the address of your blog.
  
Even if you don’t want to share a recipe, please come visit as you will find lots of yummy recipes!


 
holiday cookie swap 2

cooking with wine

13 minerals


Saturday, November 28, 2015

Neighborly Confession

Meredith over at New Twist, After All These Years is home so her Jack is at it again.  Hope you enjoy!



THE FIRST MESSAGE -  email:

Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door.  I'm sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you.  I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.  The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around.  In fact, probably more than...you.  I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know.  The temptation was just too much.  I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me.  I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan

THE ACTIONS
Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead.  He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.  He took out his phone where he noticed that he has a second message from his neighbor on voice mail:

THE SECOND MESSAGE - voicemail:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again.  Sorry about the slight typo on my last text.  I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I'm sure you realized that it was my Autocorrect that changed "Wi-Fi" To "Wife".  Technology eh?!?  Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan

Oops!

Friday, November 27, 2015

Redneck

Yes, the new one is out!  The new edition of, "You know you're a redneck when..."
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back, and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 6th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Happy Thanksgiving 2015

 Happy Thanksgiving for those of you who are celebrating this US holiday.  Happy Thursday for those of you who are not! Winking smile
 happy thanksgiving day poem

10 thanksgiving that sound dirty

all about that baste

thanksgiving workout



not everyone goes home for thanksgiving

thanksgiving candle

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Men!

Received the following in an email and just had to pass it along! Open-mouthed smile

Men often make jokes about women.  Some of them are even funny.  So I'm sure they won't mind a little fun at their expense!



Q: Why do men become smarter during  sex?  
A:  Because they are plugged into a genius.



Q: Why don't women blink during  sex?  
A:  They don't have enough time.  



Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? 
A:  They  don't stop to ask directions.  



Q: Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?  
A:  Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock.   woman laughing
You're laughing, aren't you?!   




Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A:  So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails  parties. 



Q: Why did god make men before  women?  
A:  You  need a rough draft before you make a final  copy.  




Q: How many men does it take to put a toilet seat  down?  
A:  Don't know. It never happened.  


C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!   
 



And my personal favorite:  

Q: Why did god put men on earth?  
A:  Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
 

************
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter  in your heart. Then you are just an old sour fart! 




One day my housework-challenged husband decided to  wash his sweatshirt.  Seconds after he  stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing  machine?' 
'It depends,' I replied. 'What  does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, '  University of  Oklahoma.'
And they say blondes are dumb... 



A  couple is lying in bed. 
The man says,
'I  am going to make you the happiest woman in the  world.' 
The woman replies, 
'I'll miss  you...'




'It's  just too hot to wear clothes today,'  Jack says  as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do  you think the neighbors would think if I mowed  the lawn like this?' 

'Probably that I  married you for your money,' she  replied.




Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? 
A: A rumor. 




The Woman's Prayer
Dear  Lord, 
I pray for Wisdom to understand my  man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.  Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,  I'll beat him to death.  
AMEN  



Q:  Why do little boys  whine?  
A:  They are practicing to be  men.




Q:  What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? 
A:  You did not hold the pillow down long enough.




Q:  How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A:  Rename the mail folder  'Instruction Manual.' 


Monday, November 23, 2015

Son Greets Father

Ever notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices?  Even in a crowded airport?
 
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning.  As I came into my bedroom about 2 AM, I found my two children in bed with my wife Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm.  I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.
 
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
 
They said "OK."
After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.  Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. 
 
As I entered the waiting area, my 4 year old son saw me, and came running shouting "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
 
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"
 
 

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
 

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.


Oops!  Be careful what you ask children in public!  Wonder if mom was hiding.  Winking smile

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Test Papers

As you read this, remember:  The person with the red pen always has the last word. 

 
This teacher takes joy in the little things — like these good-humored binder clips.
clip_image001
 
Some people complain about too many awards, but if you do it right, you can make the right statement.
clip_image002
 
And if that doesn't work, a wall of shame is a pretty good tactic, too.
clip_image003
 
The English language can be tricky, but thanks to this teacher, this student will never again confuse the words "cereal" and "serial."
clip_image004
 
Although sometimes, things just get confusing. All kinds of confusing.
clip_image005
 
Sometimes, it's all too clear what's going on, and it's time for some tough advice.
clip_image006
 
Of course, some teachers have slightly different takes on things like cheating.
clip_image007
 
A good knowledge of pop culture doesn't hurt, either. Gotta reach the kids somehow, right?
clip_image008
 
But then again, you have to make sure the kids get your references, too. Otherwise, this can happen:
clip_image009
 
But it's always good to teach them that old sayings have truth in them. This one is a real-life example of the pen being mightier than the sword.
clip_image010
 
It's a good use of the image, but how long do you think this teacher spent practicing it?
clip_image011
 
This IS depressing, but at least teacher and student have the kind of rapport where they can be honest with one another, right?
clip_image012
 
But don't expect that kind of compassion when you take your grievances to Facebook.
clip_image013
 
I think someone's had enough of Judy.
clip_image014
 
Then again, with the right motivation, some teachers can be bribed.
clip_image015
 
But while some may respond to bribes, threats aren't usually taken seriously.
clip_image016
 
Okay, so if you’re in the education profession, we do advise you to use discretion if you’re going to out-snark your snarky students. And if you’re not, you can bask in the glory of these teachers who have finally had enough.
 
Courtesy of Little Things

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Friday, November 20, 2015

American Tourist vs. Australian

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

 
The American snapped his gum and said, ‘You Australian folk eat the whole bread?’

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, ‘Of course.’

The American blew a huge bubble.  ‘We don’t.  In the States, we only eat what’s inside.  The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.’

The American had a smirk on his face.  The Australian listened in silence.
 

The American persisted, ‘D’ya eat jam with your bread?’

Sighing, the Australian replied, ‘Of course.’

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ‘We don’t.  In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.
 

The Australian then asked, ‘Do you have sex in the States?’

The American smiled and said ‘Why of course we do.’

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’

‘We throw them away, of course!’

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

‘We don’t. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.  Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?’


Open-mouthed smile

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Outdoorsy Man?

 
image

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
 

The patient described a typical day this way:
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake,
drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,
jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake,
marched up and down several rocky hills,
stood in a patch of poison ivy,
crawled out of quicksand
and took four leaks behind big trees.”

 
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
“You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”
 

”NAH,” he replied, “I'm just a shitty golfer.”

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Why Men are Seldom Depressed

Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years is at it again.  Hope you enjoy!
 
Men Are Just Happier People…
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister,  or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24in 25 minutes.
___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People…
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.  If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
 
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators...YEP!!!
 
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
 
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
 
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
 
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man can forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

How to Get Hired at Wal-Mart

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. 

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.  He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.  Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer.


'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink!  It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.  A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer.  'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'



He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.  When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.  'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.



Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already pooped my pants.'


BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

Monday, November 16, 2015

Full Bus

 Hey y’all…If you are interested, it’s been a while since I posted pictures of my paintings so not sure if you will notice that the date changed in the sidebar.  Hope you enjoy…or they at least make you think.  Now back to your regularly scheduled giggle. Winking smile



A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
 

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
 
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
 
 
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him:
“Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy!”
 
The blind man replies:
“If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d both be riding on that bus right now, so shut up.”

Nyah-Nyah

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Woman Accuses Clerk Of Overcharging Her

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. 
 
She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" 
 
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." 
 
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. 
 
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". 
 
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." 
 
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time.
 
At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.  He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
 
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
 
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
 

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Tales of Dog Food

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Costco and standing in line at the checkout.
 
A man behind me asked if I had a dog.
 
On impulse, I told him that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
 
I told him that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
 
 
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a woman who was behind him.
 
 
Horrified, he asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told him no; I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
 
 
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.


Friday, November 13, 2015

Love Our Lurkers 2015 Day 2

lol10-b
Thursday, November 12 and Friday, November 13
 
Hey y’all It's that time of year again...the day, originally created by the lovely Bonnie over at A Spanko Garden and continued by the very special Hermione of Hermione's Heart.  The day that we bloggers set aside as a special day to show our appreciate for each and every one of you that come to visit our little corner of the world.

As a reminder, since we have so many blogs participating,  we now spread LOL over two days so that everyone has a chance to visit all the participating blogs.  Isn’t that lovely!  So I am doing a different post for each day.


Ya never know what your gonna find when you come to visit my particular corner…
 
Ya might find something like this…
bbs are magic
For some…the key might be bums…
spanking-one hand round of applause
no such thing as a dirty mind
why do you assume I see 2 roads


I might share something inspirational…
you survived

Or maybe something beautiful…
sunrise-sunset











Might just share some interesting food facts…
carrots

I’ve been in your shoes…lurking on different blogs...maybe searching for answers or just looking for something interesting…but for whatever reason (nerves, fear, you feel you have nothing of value to say), you don’t comment.  I am inviting YOU…YES YOU to leave a comment on my blog.  You can be completely anonymous or use an alias as many in blog land do.  All I ask is that you say ‘hi’…one little word…break the ice a bit.  Of course, you are more than welcome to say more or to ask a question. LOL 

 
hard-headed

Everyone is welcome here as long as they are respectful.  We are all different…we are not always going to agree…but that is what keeps life interesting.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Love Our Lurkers 2015 Day 1

lol10-b

Thursday, November 12 and Friday, November 13

Hey y’all It's that time of year again...the day, originally created by the lovely Bonnie over at A Spanko Garden and continued by the very special Hermione of Hermione's Heart.  The day that we bloggers set aside as a special day to show our appreciate for each and every one of you that come to visit our little corner of the world. 

As a reminder, since we have so many blogs participating,  we now spread LOL over two days so that everyone has a chance to visit all the participating blogs.  Isn’t that lovely!  So I am doing a different post for each day. Open-mouthed smile

Ya never know what your gonna find when you come to visit my particular corner…

You may find something like this… 

sex ed-boyfriend


Or maybe something along the lines of this…

notice anything different


Or maybe I want to share something beautiful…

sunset3


reduce the wine


I could share a recipe…but not going to right now.  So if you want a recipe, click on the ‘Recipe’ Label over to the right and see if you find anything yummy.







BTW…I’ve been in your shoes…lurked on different blogs...still do on a few in fact, without ever leaving a comment.  You read different blogs, maybe searching for answers or just looking for something interesting…but for whatever reason (nerves, fear, you feel you have nothing of value to say), you don’t comment.  I am inviting YOU…YES YOU to leave a comment on my blog.  You can be completely anonymous or use an alias as many in blog land do.  All I ask is that you say ‘hi’…one little word…break the ice a bit.  Of course, you are more than welcome to say more or to ask a question. LOL 

life is going to get hard

But most of all…everyone is welcome here as long as they are respectful.  We are all different…we are not always going to agree…but that is what keeps life interesting.