Adult Content Warning
You have entered a site intended for ADULTS ONLY. If you are under the age of 18, or if it is illegal to view such material in your community, please exit this site immediately. This site contains mature content including but not limited to; articles, discussions, pictures and other materials that some people may find offensive. If such materials offend you, please exit this site immediately.
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Telemarketer: “Hello, is your mother home?”
Me: “I have no mother.”
Telemarketer: “Well, can I speak to your father?”
Me: “Yeah, which one?”
Telemarketer: “Which one is home?”
Me: “Well, they’re both home but I don’t think you want to talk to Carlos. He just went through a breakup with his boyfriend, Antonio.”
Telemarketer: “Oh, so your fathers’ names are Carlos and Antonio?”
Me: “No, no! My fathers’ names are Carlos and Mark.”
Telemarketer: “So who’s Antonio?”
Me: “I just told you, Carlos’s ex.”
Telemarketer: “So Carlos was cheating?”
Me: “Yes, but that’s only because Mark was cheating with Edith, our neighbor.”
Telemarketer: “So Carlos cheated only because Mark cheated?”
Me: “No, he THOUGHT Mark was cheating.”
Telemarketer: “So Mark wasn’t cheating?”
Me: “I never said that.”
Telemarketer: “Yes, yes you did!”
Me: “No I didn’t.”
Telemarketer: “Y-yes! You did!”
Me: “Did what?”
Telemarketer: “Y-you…Never mind, have a nice day, goodbye!”
Monday, June 27, 2016
While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles.
But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, “Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?”
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, “Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here’s the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.”
“Fine job, Peter!” The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. “You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.”
Turning to Paul, “And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?”
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,” I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s $280 I collected.”
The minister responded, ” That’s absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you.”
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, “And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?”
Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.
“What is this?” the minister exclaimed. “Louie, there’s $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?
Louie just nodded.
That’s impossible!” both Peter and Paul said in unison. “We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.”
“Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the minister agreed. “I think you’d better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.”
Louie shrugged. “I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh -sh-sh-sure,” he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. “For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!”
“A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied, “W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks —o-o-o-or— wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?”
Sunday, June 26, 2016
And now on to something more uplifting…
Saturday, June 25, 2016
My brother-in-law opened the bottom drawer of my sister’s bureau and lifted out a tissue-wrapped package. “This,” he said, “is not a slip. This is lingerie.” He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip. It was exquisite; silk, handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of lace. The price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still attached.
“Jan bought this the first time we went to New York, at least 8 or 9 years ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is the occasion.” He took the slip from me and put it on the bed with the other clothes we were taking to the mortician. His hands lingered on the soft material for a moment, then he slammed the drawer shut and turned to me. “Don’t ever save anything for a special occasion. Every day you’re alive is a special occasion.”
I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores that follow an unexpected death. I thought about them on the plane returning to California from the Midwestern town where my sister’s family lives. I thought about all the things that she hadn’t seen or heard or done. I thought about the things that she had done without realizing that they were special.
I’m still thinking about his words, and they’ve changed my life. I’m reading more and dusting less. I’m sitting on the deck and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I’m spending more time with my family and friends and less time in committee meetings. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experience to savor, not endure. I’m trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.
I’m not “saving” anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event-such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, the first camellia blossom.
I wear my good blazer to the market if I feel like it. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries without wincing. I’m not saving my good perfume for special parties; clerks in hardware stores and tellers in banks have noses that function as well as my party-going friends’.
“Someday” and “one of these days” are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it’s worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now. I’m not sure what my sister would have done had she known that she wouldn’t be here for the tomorrow we all take for granted. I think she would have called family members and a few close friends. She might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think she would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, her favorite food. I’m guessing-I’ll never know.
It’s those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew that my hours were limited. Angry because I put off seeing good Friends whom I was going to get in touch with-someday. Angry because I hadn’t written certain letters that I intended to write-one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn’t tell my husband and daughter often enough how much I truly love them. I’m trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives.
And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special.
Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift.
Most people these days don’t cherish their time. But time is all we have.
Friday, June 24, 2016
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments, I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What!?…You're coming empty handed?"
Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe fina you wife inna bed with another man."Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemeda little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that,she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered,"I don't know…I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading this post.
You hang in there, Sunshine!
Thursday, June 23, 2016
A slightly conservative Christian mother has become an unwitting overnight internet celebrity after asking her modest group of 117 followers to tell her what the device she found in her son’s bathroom was. It has since been retweeted 8,000 times.
Apparently, the device turned out to be a masturbation aid marketed to gay men. Patty was less than amused.
While some people stepped in to aid Patty’s son, it turned out to be a lost cause.
Patty was in for a rude awakening.
Godspeed CJ. Godspeed.
Slightly conservative?!?! Ha! Poor CJ…think he needs a less nosy…much less judgemental mother and he definitely needs to move ASAP!
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don’t remember, you must look in the back of your underwear. Mine say five to six.”
STEVEN (age 6) hugged and kissed his Mom good night: “I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted an aspirin. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?”
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him. He replied, “I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?”
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that was hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?”
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio.
“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 42 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:”
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short – enjoy it..
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
9. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
10. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
11. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
12. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it...
14. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
15. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
16. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
17. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
18. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
19. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
20. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
21. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
22. The most important sex organ is the brain.
23. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
24. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
25. Always choose life.
26. Forgive but don’t forget.
27. What other people think of you is none of your business.
28. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does..
31. Believe in miracles.
32. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
33. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
34. Your children get only one childhood.
35. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
36. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
37. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
38. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.
39. The best is yet to come...
40. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
42. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Monday, June 20, 2016
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long the kid fits in the cannon."
Oops! Petition denied!
Saturday, June 18, 2016
For those of you who have lost your father and/or the father of your children…let your hearts be filled with precious and happy memories of your loved ones…sending gentle hugs and blessings.
Friday, June 17, 2016
Thanks to the constant threat of lawsuits, almost every product has some sort of warning label. Some of these warnings are actually useful, but the rest are either obvious or just plain stupid. Enjoy looking at some of the most idiotic warning labels in this gallery! There's obviously a reason why there's a Gerber baby and not a Rubbermaid baby.
Proper Drinking Procedure
Really Pepsi? If you can open the bottle then it's pretty safe to say you know how to drink properly.
In the case that your dog is an alcoholic, don't let it operate any heavy machinery while it's on these pills.
Good thing Canadians get free health care. Apparently they like to burn themselves with their hair straighteners.
Is a frozen pizza really so appetizing that someone would try to eat it before it's cooked? Anyone that stupid should stick to Pizza Hut.
Stick to the subway and don't get on a skateboard if this warning label is a surprise to you!
Ouch! What moron tried to shove a Black & Decker up his pecker?
If you're brain is exposed enough to get this cream on it, then you probably have bigger health concerns.
Who hasn't thought about going to a local laundromat and jumping into a washing machine for fun?
Look Ma, No Fingers!
You'll earn a quick trip to the hospital if this chainsaw label wasn't already obvious.
Ironing Board Abs
Just take a trip to The Gap and buy a new shirt if you're dumb enough to iron your clothes while you wear them.
Oh really? I thought this can of Planter's Peanuts was peanut-free...
No one could resist eating the Apple iPod Shuffle, it's almost as tasty as the MacBook Pro.
Using this pen to sign your checks may seem like a good way to get free stuff...until the FBI and IRS show up at your door.
It's not a great idea to use Vidal Sassoon dryers while sleepwalking.
Courtesy of chacha