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Monday, August 31, 2015
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson,Â 1952~
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.
He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.
Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant.
While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Pharmacist to customer...
"Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription...Simply showing marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough".
A prospective husband in a book store…
“Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?
“Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!”
Someone asked an old man...
“Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
"I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."
Friday, August 28, 2015
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Monday, August 24, 2015
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Friday, August 21, 2015
Thursday, August 20, 2015
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn’t believe it! They’re dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity just a bit to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
“What’s going on here?”
“My car has a flat tire,” I said calmly.
“Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?”
I couldn’t believe that he didn’t know.
So I told him, “Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!”
Wish I had some of those…would be so fun!
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Monday, August 17, 2015
Sunday, August 16, 2015
A man named Bill died. In his will, he asked for an elaborate funeral and his will allocated $100,000 dollars to cover its expenses.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Nancy turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
"Ah well, Bill would be pleased," she said.
"You're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"So go on, how much did this really cost?'"
"All of it," said Nancy. "One hundred thousand."
"Oh no!!" Mary exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but $100,000?!!"
Nancy answered, "Well the funeral was $12,000. I donated $1,500 to church. The whisky, wine and snacks were another $1,500... and the rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Mary computed quickly.
"For the love of God Nancy, $85,000 for a Memorial Stone?
HOW BIG IS IT?"
So Nancy showed her...
Works for me!
Saturday, August 15, 2015
Friday, August 14, 2015
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback as a bush tracker.
They end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, almost naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What's happened?" she asks.
"Well Sheila I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get !!
She only specified not being with a woman…didn’t say anything about critters.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Monday, August 10, 2015
An Indian Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside:
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Indian: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh... this is kerosene."
Indian: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Indian: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Indian: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Indian: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Indian: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
Sunday, August 9, 2015
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"
Saturday, August 8, 2015
- 2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
- 2 teaspoons ground ginger
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
- 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 3/4 cup margarine, softened
- 1 cup white sugar
- 1 egg
- 1 tablespoon water
- 1/4 cup molasses
- 2 tablespoons white sugar
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
- Sift together the flour, ginger, baking soda, cinnamon, cloves, and salt. Set aside.
- In a large bowl, cream together the margarine and 1 cup sugar until light and fluffy.
- Beat in the egg, then stir in the water and molasses.
- Gradually stir the sifted ingredients into the molasses mixture.
- Shape dough into walnut sized balls, and roll them in the remaining 2 tablespoons of sugar.
- Place the cookies 2 inches apart onto an ungreased cookie sheet, and flatten slightly.
- Bake for 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven.
- Allow cookies to cool on baking sheet for 5 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.
- Store in an airtight container.
- These cookies will look as if they still need to bake…don’t be tempted. Leave them to cool for 5 minutes and test…bet they are soft but firm.
- Rather than using an airtight container, I just use ziplock bags.
- These freeze beautifully.
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask and if you try the recipe, as always, I would love any feedback you would care to give.
Hope you enjoy!
Friday, August 7, 2015
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
Thursday, August 6, 2015
In addition to lots of crazy stuff going on in my life, my internet connection speed has been stepped down until after the 15th of the month so I will not be around as much. I promise I will respond to all your comments but it’s painful at the moment and I keep losing them because of the speed issues.
Meanwhile, I do have posts scheduled so you won’t miss anything.
Now…on to the regularly scheduled portion of our program…here’s another joke courtesy of our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong. Yes, I did post a similar version a while back but it was about the US Army.
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
25 Of The Most Ridiculous Things People Got In Trouble For At School...From sneezing to clapping too loudly.We asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us about the most ridiculous thing they ever got in to trouble for at school – here are some of the best responses:
Submitted by brittanyb46a381ca8 Zach Sampson / Getty Images
2. “I got in trouble for wearing a T-shirt that said ‘Disco Still Sucks’ to the disco-themed assembly. I maintain it’s the school’s fault for even HAVING a disco-themed assembly.”
Submitted by Katy Shaw, Facebook
3. “In sixth grade I was sent out for reading a book under my desk in English class while we were supposed to be watching a movie. It was the book the movie was based on.”
Submitted by eoz1301
4. “I once came to school dressed like Cindy Lauper and was sent home because it somehow symbolised being in a gang.”
Submitted by katef4772196de
5. “In sixth grade I cleared my throat during a no-talking session in math class. My teacher though I was growling at a girl and I got a detention.”
Submitted by Kyle Osmon, Facebook
Submitted by @eltorgie Feureau / Via commons.wikimedia.org
7. “A kid in my brother’s high school science class was waving two rulers in the air, so the teacher gave him a detention for ‘directing air traffic’.”
Submitted by gagtastic
8. “I once got in trouble for blinking too much :( I was about 5 or 6, and was trying to see how many times I could blink in a minute. My teacher didn’t like it.”
Submitted by @NuclearTeeth
9. “I was suspended for three days for ‘gang activity’. My mom worked for Walmart and she had a box of the uniform blue vests and blank name tags. I swiped the box and took it to school and gave them to my friends. The principal wasn’t amused and called me to his office, where he accused me of being the leader of ‘some Walmart gang’. Why did he consider it a gang? Because about five of my friends wearing the vests got into a fight with some of the football team. It ain’t easy bein’ a gangsta; even with such low prices like mine.”
Submitted by Greg Strope, Facebook
10. “I got sent to the principal’s office for using the term ‘breast implants’.”
Submitted by Emily Wilmes, Facebook.
11. “I once sneezed in class and my teacher asked me to step outside of the classroom. She went on and on about how it was incredibly rude to sneeze while someone is speaking, as if I had a choice. Still confused about that one.”
Submitted by Kaitlin Batt, Facebook
Submitted by marykatem40f4126eb U.S. Air Force photo/Airman 1st Class Katrina Heikkinen/BuzzFeed / Viacommons.wikimedia.org
13. “I got sent to the office for a dress code violation because my khaki pants were too khaki.”
Submitted by Abbey Love, Facebook
14. “One year on my birthday, my dad sent me a cream soda with my lunch. I started to drink it in English class, and my teacher got furious and made me throw it away because it ‘looked like beer’.”
Submitted by Nicole Renae Sexton, Facebook
15. “My friend was suspended for gesturing too much while talking because it was a ‘safety hazard and he could hit someone’.”
Submitted by cookiemonster59263
16. “I got in trouble for falling down the stairs so many times in one day. After being accused of having been under the influence, I had to meet with the dean, who decided I was just clumsy and sent me home.”
Submitted by carsontheresac
Submitted by alliums Christa Brunt / Getty Images
18. In high school I got in trouble for posting a Facebook status that compared the current drama of my school to that of Mean Girls. The principal said it made her cry.
Submitted by wolfshadow318
19. “The guy who sat in front of me in history stole my hairbrush from my bag and started combing his leg hair with it. I whispered ,’What are you doing?!’ at him and my teacher sent me to in-school suspension for being distracting.”
Submitted by kellykumquat
20. “My friend and I were throwing pretend baseball pitches with no ball in our hand and my teacher gave me a detention slip for ‘throwing pitches in the hallway’.”
Submitted by elie42d0ad823
21. “In an attempt to cash in on the Napoleon Dynamite mania at the time, I helped my sister create a campaign poster that read ‘Pedro isn’t running. Vote for Morgan.’ Her school made her take the posters down because it could ‘upset Pedro’.”
Submitted by violetgirl
Submitted by shannonp4f9a554d6 Roibu / Getty Images
23. “In the fourth grade, the class clapped after wishing someone a happy birthday. My evil teacher yelled at me for ‘clapping too loudly’ and made me stand at my desk for a half hour while everyone else sat normally. The worst part was that I was a super-quiet and shy kid back then, so standing and having everyone stare at me was just the worst.”
Submitted by cailininchains
24. “In the third grade I was asked what I was doing on the weekend. I told my teacher I was ‘going to the Effing family reunion on the Effing farm to see my Effing cousins’. I was sent to the principal’s office and had to have my parents explain it. Effing is my grandmother’s maiden name and now I know why my parents always laughed and said their name so much when we spoke of them.”
Submitted by d49449b9c3
25. “A kid at my middle school got a detention for putting a salami in a CD player.”
Submitted by sethb49cb55d69
Courtesy of BuzzFeed Community