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Friday, July 31, 2015

Mom’s Letter to Kids

moms letter

This mom wrote a letter to her children that perfectly sums up what summer’s like with kids…

Hey Kids,

Feel free to leave your stuff wherever you want this summer. Half-finished smoothies in the family room? No problem. I got it. Socks in the hall. I’m on it. Dishes in the sink? Keep ’em coming. Legos? Everywhere? Love it. Oh, and feel free to drag your blankets all over the house and abandon them the moment you no longer want them. I’ll fold them lovingly for you and return them to your rooms.

 

And doors? Shutting them is optional. I’m right behind you, so, seriously, don’t worry about it. I love when the wasps get in and the air conditioning gets out. Who are we to be sequestered in our climate-controlled house? Open door policy in this house. We have endless money.

 

And it’s totally fine to leave your wet bathing suits and towels on any surface, from the floor to the banister. I love heaps, but be creative! Oh, and putting them on painted wood surfaces is the best. I’ll grab them so they don’t warp the wood. You’re busy. Stop. Get back to your Netflix. Friends is not going to binge-watch itself.

 

And let me know when you are hungry. Don’t be encumbered by normal meal times. And please don’t coordinate with each other. The kitchen is open 24/7, and I’m happy to whip up anything you need, whenever you need it. I majored in short-order cooking.

 

And if you make something yourself, just leave every single item exactly where you last needed it. Milk, too. If it goes bad… I’ll just buy more. Money? Please. I’ll just work more. And I’ve got the clean-up. I will walk in your footsteps and put things away. It’s fun for me to live vicariously through your cooking. Like, Wow, how did they get so much shredded cheese on the counter? Impressive.

 

And every time you are thirsty… get a new glass. We have tons. And a dishwasher I love to load and unload. Not to mention, as far as I know, endless electricity and water. The world is our oyster.

 

And if something comes up with your friends? I’m in. I’ll drive you there or back — or, hell, both. I mean, I have a car and a license. I should put it to good use. And please, no need to give me any advance notice. I can easily stop whatever I’m doing, even work, to take you. I know how valuable your time is. Need some money for the movies? You got it, kiddo.

 

And to the little one, when you feel like it, I’ll take you to the pool. Before we go, you can complain and squirm while I put on your sunscreen. Don’t hold back. Just be you. Express how you’re feeling. It is cold, isn’t it? I love the challenge you pose me by inching away slowly as I’m applying it. Good stretch for my arms and back. Kind of you to think of me.

 

And just one thing on goggles. I’m on it. Don’t bother to keep track of yours. I’ve made it my summer mission to know where your goggles are at all times (in the car… left side… wedged in between the seats). At night, I’m sleeping with them under my pillow. We can’t be too careful. How will you swim without them?

 

Just a few last-minute housekeeping items: Eye rolling? Yes! I love the immediate feedback on my thoughts and ideas. How else can I gauge if I’m pleasing you or not? Showering? Optional. You know what’s best. I defer to you. Wearing a hat? No way. The more sun the better. Chores? Just tell me when it’s a good time for you. The weeds and messes aren’t going anywhere.

 

One last thing… please always wear your headphones so that you can’t hear me when I’m talking to you. Communication is totally overrated. Little-known fact about me: I love yelling things at the top of my lungs three or four times with no response. It’s very cathartic. Look it up.

 

Well, call me crazy, but if you guys follow all of these guidelines, I think this summer is going to be a win for all of us.

 

Or, if you don’t understand sarcasm, you won’t make it until July. Either way…

 

Love you guys.





Courtesy of Viral Slot

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Grocery Shopping

Even though this is written in the first person, it was not written by me!  A friend sent it…who knows…it may actually be about him.  Winking smile

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘Killer Chili’. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
 
Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.  No ‘Watson’s Movement 2′.  Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
 
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
 
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.  I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.  It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.  Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about.  I’m referring to that ‘Uh oh, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.  The thing is, this pain was different.
 
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.  In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.  The peppers fired a warning shot.
 
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.  I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.  Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
 
I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.  Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally.  Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
 
I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t.  I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.  This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.  Big Mistake.
 
Here’s the thing.  When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean.  With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.  Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
 
Suddenly things were no longer funny.  IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
 
Luck was on my side.  Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging.  One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’.  He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘ Oh my Lord’, then quickly left.
 
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.  It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.  The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’
 
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.  The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager.  I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
 
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.  The next day I went to shop at Food Town.  I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.  They claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Forecasting the Weather

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
 
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.


On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.

Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.  He is an extensively educated and experienced professional.  Besides, I pay him very high wages.  He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."

So he continued on his way.

 

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
 
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
 
 
 
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
 

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.  I obtain my information from my donkey.  If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
 

So the king hired the donkey.
 
 

And so began the practice of hiring stupid asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

What I Want In a Man

Meredith’s Jack is at it again! Winking smile

What I Want in a Man - Age 32
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List – Age 42
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries


What I Want in a Man, Revised List – Age 52
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List – Age 62
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List – Age 72
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List – Age 82
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Dead Flowers

A friend sent this to me today.  I thought it worth sending.  It has been around before but hope you enjoy reading.

 

I was getting ready for my daughter's June wedding which was taking place in a church about forty miles away, and felt loaded with responsibilities as I watched my budget dwindle.  So many details, so many bills, and so little time.

 

My son Jack said he would walk his younger sister down the aisle, taking the place of his dad who had died a few years before. He teased Patsy, saying he'd wanted to give her away since she was about three years old!

 

To save money, I gathered blossoms from several friends who had large magnolia trees.  Their luscious, creamy-white blooms and slick green leaves would make beautiful arrangements against the rich dark wood inside the church.   7384725-magnolia-flower

The big day arrived - the busiest day of my life - and while her bridesmaids helped Patsy to dress, her fiancé Tim walked with me to the sanctuary to do a final check.  When we opened the door and felt a rush of hot air, I almost fainted; and then I saw them - all the beautiful white flowers were black.  Funeral black.  An electrical storm during the night had knocked out the air conditioning system, and on that hot summer day, the flowers had wilted and died.

 

I panicked, knowing I didn't have time to drive back to our hometown, gather more flowers, and return in time for the wedding and I certainly didn't have the extra money to buy a new set from the florist in town.

 

Tim turned to me.  'Edna, can you get more flowers?  I'll throw away these dead ones and put fresh flowers in these arrangements.'

 

I mumbled, 'Sure,' as he be-bopped down the hall to put on his cuff links.

 

Alone in the large sanctuary, I looked up at the dark wooden beams in the arched ceiling. 'Lord,' I prayed, 'please help me.  I don't know anyone in this town. Help me find someone willing to give me flowers - in a hurry!'  I scurried out praying for the blessing of white magnolias.

 

As I left the church, I saw magnolia trees in the distance. 

magnolia-tree-full-bloom-23877149

I approached a house...no dog in sight...knocked on the door and an older man answered.  So far so good.  No shotgun.  When I stated my plea the man beamed and said...'I'd be happy to!'

 

He climbed a stepladder and cut large boughs and handed them down to me.  Minutes later, as I lifted the last armload into my car trunk, I said, 'Sir, you've made the mother of a bride happy today.'

 

'No , Ma'am,' he said. 'You don't understand what's happening here.'

 

'What?' I asked.

'You see, my wife of sixty-seven years died on Monday.  On Tuesday I received friends at the funeral home, and on Wednesday…’ 

He paused.  I saw tears welling up in his eyes.

'On Wednesday I buried her.'  He looked away.  'On Thursday most of my out-of-town relatives went back home, and on Friday, yesterday my children left.'

I nodded.

'This morning,' he continued, 'I was sitting in my den crying out loud.  I miss her so much.  For the last sixteen years, as her health got worse, she needed me.  But now nobody needs me.  This morning I cried, 'Who needs an eighty-six-year-old wore-out man?  Nobody!' I began to cry louder.  'Nobody needs me!'

About that time, you knocked, and said, 'Sir, I need you.'

I stood with my mouth open. 

He asked, 'Are you an angel ?'

I assured him I was no angel.

He smiled. 'Do you know what I was thinking when I handed you those magnolias?'

'No.'

'I decided I'm needed.  My flowers are needed.  Why, I might have a flower ministry!  I could give them to everyone!   Some caskets at the funeral home have no flowers. People need flowers at times like that and I have lots of them.  They're all over the backyard!  I can give them to hospitals, churches - all sorts of places.  You know what I'm going to do?  I'm going to serve the Lord until the day He calls me home!'

 

I drove back to the church, filled with wonder.  On Patsy's wedding day, if anyone had asked me to encourage someone who was hurting, I would have said, 'Forget it! It's my only daughter's wedding, for goodness sake! There is no way I can minister to anyone today.'

But God found a way. Through dead flowers.

 

'Life is not the way it's supposed to be.  It's the way it is.  The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.'

 

If you have missed knowing me, you have missed nothing. If you have missed some of my posts, you may have missed a laugh or a thought.  But, if you have missed knowing God you have missed everything in the world!!  He can be your everything.

 

May God's blessings be upon you.

 

THIS IS SO TRUE.... BEING NEEDED IS SO UPLIFTING TO EACH OF US!

Sunday, July 26, 2015

OLD is When...

Some old ones, but some new...always worth a smile.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'


As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender


As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy   you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.


As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

 
‘OLD’ IS When...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
 
‘OLD’ IS When...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
 
‘OLD’ IS When...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
 
‘OLD’ IS When...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
 
‘OLD’ IS When...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
 
‘OLD’ IS When...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
 
‘OLD’ IS When...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
 
‘OLD’ IS When...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
 
And last but not least…
 
‘OLD’ IS When...
You are not sure these are jokes.  Winking smile

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Kenny the Rooster

Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it.  So, he buys Kenny.




The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first giving the rooster a pep talk.



“I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.  Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.  So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot.  WHAM!  Kenny nails every hen in the hen house, three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked!



After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.



By sunset, he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.



Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard.  Vultures are circling overhead.



The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.”



Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky, and says, “Shhh, they're getting closer.”

Friday, July 24, 2015

Retirement

Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years is at it again and sent another good giggle.  Hope you enjoy as much as I did!

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One day a man decided to retire...

retiring man 1

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

retiring man 2

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

retiring man 3

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.



In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you come from?  How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."



"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman.  "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.  The oars were whittled from gum tree branches.  I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."



"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.  I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."



The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour."



So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.  Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

retiring man 4

While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down.  Would you like a drink?"



"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.  "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman.  "I have a still.  How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"


retiring man 5

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.  Would you like to take a shower and shave?  There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."


No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.  There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.  Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses."What's next?"


When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. 

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.


"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.  You must have been lonely.  When was the last time you played around?” 


She stares into his eyes.


He can't believe what he's hearing.  "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"


retiring man 6

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Flying

As you may or may not know, in the US, budget cuts have eliminated the military flyovers at large events. 

Well, there's a group of guys in Kansas City who do some formation flying, in their own planes, and decided they'd volunteer to pick up the slack.  They invited a couple of other groups to join them and before they knew it they had 48 guys with their homemade RC airplanes signing up to join in.  If they had more time, they probably would have gotten an even larger group as people kept joining and a 49th was added near the event.  One additional feature of the flyover was the use of pink smoke for cancer awareness.

 The folks from the Guinness Book were there and are expected to confirm it as the largest formation flight ever.  And to top it off the crowd later set the record for the loudest gathering at a football stadium.

Be sure your speakers are turned up...best if watch at 'full screen'.

I hope you enjoy this short video.



If you can't view the video, here is the YouTube link:

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Walking on the Grass

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
 
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
 
Just pace yourself, make sure you have plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
 
"Gentlemen, remember…you're in this together.  It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.  In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
 
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this vital information.  After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
 
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
 
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while  we walk?"
 
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
 
This level of sensitivity can't be taught.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Dogs

Dogs have been standing beside us for as long as human memory can recall.

They've hunted with us, protected us, warned us and shared their lives with us. In return, we try to do the same for them.

They love us without limit and without restrain.  It is that pure devotion that makes them our best friends, and it is that unconditional love that makes us love them in return.

Along the ages, much has been said about dogs, and so here are some great quotes about our friends.
 
dogs by our sides p1
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dogs by our sides p17


Monday, July 20, 2015

Funnies For Slightly Twisted Minds

Here’s another joke courtesy of our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong.  I also received it from not one, not two, not three but four vanilla friends…guess everyone thinks I’ve got a twisted mind. Winking smile

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Sunday, July 19, 2015

Always a Way

Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years is at it again and sent another good giggle.  Hope you enjoy as much as I did!

***************************** 

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.  They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
 
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.  He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.  However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem…how to carry his entire purchases home.
 
 
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.  She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
 
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
 
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.  Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
 
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
 
 
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.  We'll be there in no time.'
 
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.  How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
 
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.  How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
 
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Open-mouthed smile  Well we all know what she wants!

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Social Media Wedding

Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years is at it again and sent another good giggle.  Hope you enjoy as much as I did!
 
************************
Daughter to Dad Texting

Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon, so get out your check book. LOL

I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.

As you know, I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland.  We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.
 
Lots of love and thanks,
Your favorite daughter,
Lilly

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dads reply...also by texting:

My Dear Lilly,

Like Wow! Really? Cool!

Whatever…

I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. 

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay. 

Dad

Friday, July 17, 2015

Golfing

Here’s another giggle from our Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years.  It’s an oldie but still goodie…hope you enjoy. Open-mouthed smile



Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How’s the singing career going?”

Stevie replies, “Not too bad…How’s the golf?”


Woods replies, “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now.”
 
Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”


Tiger says, “You play golf?”

Stevie says, “Yes, I’ve been playing for years”.


Tiger says, “But, you’re blind. How can you play golf if you can’t see?”

Stevie Wonder replies, “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me.  I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”
 

“But, how do you putt?” asks Tiger.

“Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.”
 

Tiger asks, “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”
 

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”
 

Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m game for that…when would you like to play?”

 
Stevie says, “Pick a night.”


Thursday, July 16, 2015

Facts Every Woman Should Know

A friend sent this to me this morning and then hinted that I might want to share it with my friends and family here in blogland…I have to agree with her.

Hope you enjoy…

10 facts every woman should know 2