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Thursday, February 28, 2013
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Grown-Up' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Grown-Up' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Grown-Up' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
Well, she wanted 'Grown-Up' words! LOL
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again...
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "S-H-I-T" "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands directly next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobies too. "
Monday, February 25, 2013
Now on to our story...
A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back.
He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."
Helpful hint for those of you with small kids?
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Say "I love you"...
Be gentle with others...
Speak the truth...
Laugh at yourself...
Use words of kindness...
Always do your best!
Hope this starts your week out on a positive note.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."
Kids are so cute.
Friday, February 22, 2013
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head."
Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the field so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass, is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
Have definitely seen some of those mothers!
Thursday, February 21, 2013
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that sh*t!"
The owner's not the sharpest crayon in the box is he. LOL
Today, is the day that has been chosen to honor a very special man who is a valued member of and joy and blessing to blog land. Bas has shared his loving heart, wonderful, dry sense of humor and wise counsel with all of us. I love reading his comments on my blog and on everyone else’s. Here are just a few of Bas’s funny and wise comments from my blog.
I posted a joke about a married man and his girlfriend with the punch line:
I don't know what worse:
1. Having your girlfriend find out your married.
2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3. Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Tough call. You decide.
Well, number 1 is not very bad: it was bound to happen sometime.
Number 2: accidents do happen, no big deal. Just a little problem during scientific research about relative sizes of ring fingers and penises.
Number 3: Well, she did need petroleum jelly and he had to go to the hospital to have it removed, so it cannot be to bad. And as long as he can keep 2 women happy, what's the problem?
No, I think we have to conclude that the worst thing for this poor man is being born and bred in Woodbridge, Western Australia.
ROFLBMO Bas! I absolutely love your logic. You are priceless!
Talking to Yourself Actually Makes You Smarter.
Be careful with your conclusions: it's not the talking that makes you smarter. It's the actually listening to yourself, when you say something very smart.
Very good advice…definitely need to listen to myself more.
I posted a joke about a 4 year old and a tea party with the punch line:
"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Most of the comments were laughing at the father and ewwww and then…
All you Ladies don't understand the joys of being a father to a 4 year old girl.
Off course he knew where she got the water! So what? His daughter was enjoying herself. That's enough reason for him to enjoy his tea.
This answer brought tears to my eyes and warmed my heart so much…what a wonderful father!
Bas, you’re always saying you don’t understand women so here's a joke for you:
A Man and a Genie
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Hey Bas, does it make you feel better that the genie doesn’t understand women either?
Sending lots of healing energy, prayers, hugs, love and blessings to you Bas!
For any of you who have not ‘met’ Bas, go visit him at New Life in DD and always be sure you look for his comments on the blogs you visit!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Dana is now home from the hospital and has posted an update on her blog.
Just wanted to let you know that Dana from Learning to Follow His Lead is out of surgery and doing well.
I'm sure either she or the Man will be posting with more information later.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope'.
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ' Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday; it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET ?'
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!! '
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
Monday, February 18, 2013
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca - age 8
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7
'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.’
Emily - age 8
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.'
Nikka - age 6
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8
'My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6
'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford .'
Chris - age 7
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'
Mary Ann - age 4
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.'
Karen - age 7
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'
Mark - age 6
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8
And the winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'
Sunday, February 17, 2013
He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes.
Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, 'I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition.'
The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, 'What's your condition?'
Phil answered, 'Tell me your wish in just three words.'
There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address.
She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, 'Clean my house.'
Hope this starts your week with a giggle.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as hell not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “Early.”
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like the dishes, or changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks’ homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your going out and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not f#%k with me!
Friday, February 15, 2013
She erased it and went on with the day's lesson.
The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkboard, but a little bit bigger.
She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find the word on the board, a little larger each time.
She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the chalkboard read:
“The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”
Thursday, February 14, 2013
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”
The little guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him.
The big guy says, “What's wrong with you?
In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”
The big dude says, “I saw you had a curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me, I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
The couple had not been dating for very long, and so Charlie wanted to make sure the gift was just right.
Ruth was always complaining about having cold hands, and so Charlie - after careful consideration - decided a good gift would be a nice pair of gloves.
Charlie took his sister with him to buy the gift - he wanted a woman's opinion. they found a nice pair of gloves at the store, and Charlie's sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.
Unfortunately, the sales clerk got the two items mixed up.
Charlie mailed his Valentine's Day gift to Ruth, accompanied by the following note:
I chose this Valentines Day gift as I noticed that you often don't wear any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.
These are a lovely color. The lady at the store where I bought them showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.
I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I’ll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying:
'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Sheesh, you would think she would have learned better by now…
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No.."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for some Vaseline and it was dark, I think...
…I gave him my airplane glue."
Think they had better check on Fred and Mary PDQ...might need to call the paramedics!
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Saturday, February 9, 2013
He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest,
"Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whiskey and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.
Friday, February 8, 2013
“2+5, the son of a b*tch is 7”
“3+6, the son of a b*tch is 9”
His Mom: “What are you doing?”
Johnny: “I'm doing math homework.”
Mom: “This is how your teacher taught you?”
Infuriated, His Mom asked the teacher the next day…
“What are you teaching my son in math class?”
Teacher: “Right now, we are learning addition.”
Mom: “Your teaching them to say 2+2, the son of a b*tch is 4?”
Teacher after laughing…
“What I taught them was, 2+2, The sum of which is 4.”
Thursday, February 7, 2013
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night...you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the 6:30 and not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly...
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Can you smell the bacon too?
A kiss is just a kiss.....
Life is good!
All God's creatures great & small
Reach out and touch someone...
I love living on a Jewish farm!
For the moment, all is right in the world....
Room for two (sort of)!
Sunday, February 3, 2013
In Autumn when the leaves turn brown, red and gold, they all fall down.
To paint a picture, oh so rare! I know that GOD is there...
To mastermind His ebb and flow; To stage His wondrous Autumn show,
To brush His skies with molten gold; I watch His art unfold.
No grander sight could I behold: These leaves of brown, red and gold.
But Winter bodes its icy chills upon the snow-clad hills.
In time the land, a living scene, comes bursting forth in savage green;
and I confront the season's thieves that took my Autumn leaves.
But soon a softness in the air! GOD paints a picture,
oh so rare of autumn leaves that all turn brown,
red and gold as they fall down.
~~By Henry W. Gurley.~~
The air turns cool, the leaves turn brown, a change is taking place,
and everywhere the signs appear of fall's approaching face.
The birds begin their southward flight that takes them far away,
and in their plaintive song and cry a fond good-bye they say.
A season dies, a new one's born like night gives way to day.
Such is the wondrous work of God in His own chosen way.
~~By Harold F. Mohn.~~
A stroll through the woods, a mountain hike, a nap on the beach, in such encounters with nature
we often find peace. There's just something about the leaves, rocks, and sand that makes us feel
at home in this great land.
They release us from the humdrum of our busy lives and bring us back to the basics of life.
"Imagine how it will look in Heaven"