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Sunday, April 30, 2017
The nurse was told that there was a man waiting to be seen in exam room #3.
Entering the room, the man waiting there immediately said, "Nurses aren't supposed to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the man said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing.
A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," the man replied.
Things went downhill from there.
Saturday, April 29, 2017
10 Ways to Tell Your Partner You Love Them (Without Saying a Word)
We tried to do this without using words. Alas, everything we tried did not seem to work, thus we shall do it with their aid – so you will not need them.
TELL YOUR PARTNER “I LOVE YOU” (WITHOUT A WORD) BY DOING ANY OF THESE THINGS…
1. COOK THEIR FAVOURITE MEAL
They do say that “the quickest way to a person’s heart is through their stomach,” such is the way we do not distinguish between sexes. Even if you are no Gordon Ramsey in the kitchen, just popping their favourite food in the microwave speaks volumes about how you see your honey bunny and where you are at as a couple.
2. MAKE SURE THAT THEIR CLOTHES ARE CLEAN
Unless your significant other is actually insignificant to you, you would want their clothes smelling fresh for the next time of use. Washing, drying, ironing, putting them back in the closet. Fellas, sometimes you need to pull your finger out in this department, too.
3. TURN ON THE OUTSIDE LIGHT (AND LEAVE A LOVE NOTE) IF YOUR OTHER HALF IS WORKING LATE
They don’t need to whip out their phone to know exactly where the door lock is if you show this simple gesture. It also illuminates the vicinity so they are not walking into complete darkness. How depressing is it to come home to that?
And the love note? They’ll be happy to read it (and have the light to do so)…
4. PUT FRESH TOWELS OUT FOR WHEN THE WORKING DAY/NIGHT IS DONE
This is very similar to #2. However, this time we do not usually use towels as clothes, unless you two are all alone! Nothing says “I Love You” quite like leaving clean towels ready for when they are needed the most.
5. DESIGNATE A DATE NIGHT
Making sure all other distractions are out of the way, including kids, pets, interfering in-laws, meddling mothers, and others. In fact, if you could get them all together so you two love birds can enjoy some “us” time, everyone wins! Having some quality time together, refreshes the relationship and allows you to do this not normally allowed when you are not alone.
6. WEAR THEIR FAVOURITE OUTFIT
We all love a woman/man in uniform. Her in a sexy nurse’s outfit, him in fireman’s garb. Let us get those pulses racing, the nurse’s bedside manner will see to that! The fireman will whip out his hose and put out all fires of desire, too! It is suddenly getting hot in here…
7. GIVE THEM AN UNEXPECTED HUG AND/OR KISS
Who does not love some unexpected sugar? This could be enough to make someone’s day, especially those hugs and kisses from behind. They do not only feel good, they are also good for our health. According to Dr. Mercola, a ten-second hug a day can “lower risk of heart disease, reduce stress, fight fatigue, boost your immune system, fight infections, ease depression.” Now imagine what kissing can do…
8. SEND THEM A SWEET TEXT MESSAGE
What exactly to send them, only you know. What we do know is that they will be absolutely made up about getting that message from you. Be as creative or as crazy as you like, they will be guaranteed to be smiling all day long and they might even send something back if they get the chance.
9. DO SOMETHING WITH THEM THAT THEY ENJOY
For him: Watch the game with him wearing his team’s colours. For her: Go to the ballet with her wearing a nice suit and Italian leather shoes. Of course, these are suggestions and can be changed to suit all tastes. If you go with them to do something they love, they will love you even more for it. It is a question of making the effort for your boo.10. BE SPONTANEOUS WITH THEM (IF YOU CAN)
Being spontaneous with your squeeze means you both can let your hair down and enjoy life. Taking that impromptu trip makes you love your life with them in it, a nice little road trip listening to your favourite songs and singing along to break the humdrum routine. At the end of it, you can laugh and say that you cannot believe you actually did that. We only get one life, so enjoy living a life you love with your favourite person with you.
Friday, April 28, 2017
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request?”
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully! FOR. THE. LAST. TIME…I. SAID. BRING. POSSE!”
Thursday, April 27, 2017
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
The Strongest Girls Are the Girls with Anxiety
She’s strong, because she’s in a constant battle with her anxiety. It’s telling her that she’s weak. That she shouldn’t speak up. That she shouldn’t get out of bed.
Some days, she listens to everything that voice tells her. But other days, she finds the power to ignore it. She finds the strength to leave her room. To socialize. To smile.
She’s strong, because she shows up, even when she’s shaking. She speaks, even when it’s with a cracked voice. She keeps breathing, even when those breaths are shaky.
It would be easy for her to cancel plans with her friends, turn down dates, skip class, call in sick from work — and sometimes, she does. Sometimes, the idea of being around people is too much for her to handle.
But most of the time, she does what she has to do. She switches off her alarm. She showers. She dresses. And then she gets shit done.
Of course, she gets distracted throughout the day. The tiniest thing can send her mind spinning. A text from someone she didn’t expect to hear from. An email she isn’t quite sure how to answer. A strange look from one of her coworkers or crushes.
She suffers from constant self-consciousness, but she pushes past it. She ignores the way she thinks everyone is looking at her, judging her, and she forces herself to be productive. She forces herself to focus on what’s important.
She refuses to let anxiety control her life. She won’t let her dark thoughts eclipse the positive ones. She’s motivated to be the best person she can be.
At times, her anxiety makes her feel weak. Lesser. Like she doesn’t deserve to be in the same room as people that can talk to strangers as if they’ve known each other for years.
But even though she feels inferior, that’s far from the truth. She’s a warrior. A badass. Why can’t she see that?
She tries so hard. She puts in so much effort. And she’s gotten so far.
Some people rarely venture outside of their comfort zone — but she’s outside of her comfort zone every damn day. She’s either worried about what to say or what to wear or where to park. She’s never relaxed. She’s always on edge.
That’s why she’s always learning. Always growing. Every second of every day.
Sure, there are times when she suffers from setbacks. When she doesn’t say a single word for hours. When she stays in her pajamas and puts off showering.
But there are other times when she finds the courage to speak her mind. When she surprises herself with how brave she can be.
She probably doesn’t realize it yet, but girls with anxiety are the strongest girls in the world, because they never have a minute of peace. Because they’re always struggling — and they’re always winning.
Courtesy of Thought Catalog
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
“Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.”
The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
“You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?” the widow asked: “Just look at you — you have no legs!”
The old gent smiled: “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
“You don’t have any arms either!” she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled: “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: “Are you still good in bed?”
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
Monday, April 24, 2017
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day while in bed with her boyfriend, she hears her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
She yells at the boyfriend, “Quick! Grab your clothes and jump out of the window. My husband has arrived home early!”
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, “It’s raining like hell out there!”
She said, “If my husband finds you here, he’ll kill us both!”
So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out of the window naked. A group of marathon runners were just passing, so he decides to run along with them, carrying his clothes on his arm.
Curious, one of the runners asked him, “Do you always run with no clothes on?”
Gasping for air, he answered, “Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin.”
Another runner then asked the nude man, “Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?”
Now breathlessly, the nude man replied, “Oh yes. That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
The runner then asked, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”
The nude man replied, “Only when it’s raining!”
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Most Men Can’t Handle A Deep Woman – Here’s why
The deeper you are, the harder it becomes for you to find someone who wants to have a relationships with you. You can go out on a lot of dates but at some point the relationship fails to progress any further and that is mainly because of the intensity of your depth. Not every man is strong enough to handle a deep woman. Here’s why:
- A deep woman asks deep questions.
- A deep woman is honest. Too honest – often blunt.
- A deep woman knows what she wants. Or who she wants.
- A deep woman wants a deep relationship.
- A deep woman is not afraid of intimacy.
- A deep woman sees through you.
- A deep woman craves consistency.
- A deep woman is intense.
- A deep woman only knows how to love deeply.
- A deep woman won’t wait for you.
Friday, April 21, 2017
A man suspected that his wife was cheating on him.
One night, he decided to find out the truth. He waits for her to leave, and then jumps in a taxi cab to follow her.
To his horror, he finds out that she is working in a brothel.
The guy says to the cabby, “Wanna make a $100?”
The cabby says, “Sure, what do I have to do?”
The guy replies that all the cabby has to do is go inside the brothel and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home.
The cabby agrees, and goes into the brothel.
A couple of minutes later the brothel gets kicked open, and the cabby is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabby opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, “Here, hold her!!”
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabby, “Wait a minute, this ain’t my wife?!”
The cabby replies, “I know, it’s mine, I’m going back in for yours!!!”
Thursday, April 20, 2017
In no particular order the following are this year's leading candidates:
AND TO THINK YOU NEED A LICENSE TO FISH…
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
An important lesson of at the end of this fable, which most learn, sooner or later.
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.
After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.
Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.
The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.
The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life.
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
Oldie, but still funny…
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Ace Hardware."
Don’t look at me…Jack sent it. Oh and for those of you across the pond…substittute “Irish” for “Polish”.
Monday, April 17, 2017
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''.
Now that's one helluva retirement bonus!
Sunday, April 16, 2017
Great mental exercise for the over-60 crowd.
Which of the following names are you familiar with?
1. Monica LewinskyYou had trouble with #5, didn't you?
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope??
Lovely, just lovely…
Sometimes I worry about you…
What? Don’t blame me…Jack sent it.