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Saturday, December 31, 2016
Friday, December 30, 2016
Thursday, December 29, 2016
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
However, before I could say anything, the boyfriend quietly took me aside and explained to me that he had been taking the pill instead of his girlfriend because “she had a weak stomach and couldn’t take pills…”
2. A patient came in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to stress the fact that she only ever had one partner.
“And even if my boyfriend is sleeping with other people, it shouldn’t matter,” said the patient. “My boyfriend uses a condom every time and makes sure to wash it thoroughly after every use.”
The ER nurse asked the patient what she meant when she said her boyfriend “washes it every time”.
The patient explained that her boyfriend washed the same old condom with hot water and soap before he used it. Every time.
I had to kindly explain to a grown woman that condoms are a one-time use product. She had no clue.
3. These weren’t patients of mine, but I once overheard the following conversation in the waiting room:
Man 1: My daughter is allergic to wheat.
Man 2: So she can’t eat bread or anything?
Man 1: We only give her white bread.
Man 2: Oh yeah, I guess bread only has wheat if it says it on there. Like whole wheat or whatever.
Man 1: Yeah, I guess.
Man 2: So can she eat pizza?
Man 1: Only cheese pizza.
4. A lady had to have her foot amputated and was given waiver forms to sign pre-op. The patient is asked if she needs time to think about her decision. She’s surprisingly calm and nonchalant, she doesn’t seem to care much about what they do to her limb.
The doctor gets suspicious and probes a bit further, asking why she’s not more concerned. The patient says she understands that they have to operate, but that “it’s okay because the foot will grow back.”
The doctor had to explain to the woman that she is not, in fact, a salamander and that limbs do not grow back in humans.
5. More than one patient has come into my vet’s office complaining about their dog’s chest.
One man thought his male dog’s nipples were giant blood-sucking ticks. He actually tried poking at them and lightly pulling on them, complaining that “they are impossible to remove…”
A woman also came in complaining that her dog had “huge tumors” growing on its chest. Nope. Again, just nipples.
6. My favorite patient story is particularly funny because I’m not actually a doctor. I have a PhD in Fine Arts, but apparently lots of people think that just because I have a DOCTORATE of Philosophy, it means they can ask me about their disgusting medical issues…
I can NOT prescribe you medication, and I will NOT look at your rash.
7. I once had a meeting with a patient about their diet and nutritional intake. I ended up having to explain to this person that, no, Coca-cola is NOT in fact a vegetable. Just because it says “contains vegetable extracts” on the side of a can of Coke does not mean it can count as one of your “five veggies a day…”
8. Paramedic here, I have had to inform numerous people that pouring Gatorade into the mouth of unresponsive diabetics is not a good idea…
9. I’m a registered nurse, not a doctor, but here’s the story:
Patient was a newly diagnosed diabetic who needed to be taught how to inject insulin. So the diabetes educator did the good old routine of taking an orange, drawing up insulin, then injecting it into the orange. He then made the patient repeat this practice routine a few times.
The patient goes home, etc. He comes back in a week and his blood sugar is out of control. They ask him if he’s been taking his insulin and he goes “of course.” So they decide to ask him to demonstrate how he injects insulin. The patient goes “sure, I just need an orange.”
At this point I started face palming hard because I know where this one is heading. But of course they got him a orange and a vial of insulin with a syringe. So the guy draws up the insulin correctly, takes the syringe, injects it into the orange, and then says “and then I eat the orange.”
At this point I had to walk out because I nearly lost my shit right there…
10. My best friend’s mom is a nurse at a hospital in an area with a lot of gang activity. More than once, she has had to explain to the family of her deceased patients that you can’t get a brain transplant after getting shot in the head. Or at all really.
11. Not a doctor, but a good friend of mine is. He once told that he had to explain to one of his patients that regular band aids do not cure anything at all, but just cover up a wound. The patient in question had tried to cure her recently diagnosed Type-II diabetes by sticking band aids all over herself…
12. Another lady I was seeing for clinicals was diabetic, and she would come in every week with stupid high blood sugar levels (250-560ish), not knowing why they were so high.
She kept a record of everything she ate, and all her food intake seemed fine.
One day, her husband came with her, which was weird, and he ninja slipped me a note while shaking my hand. It read, “Ask her about the Quiktrip slushies. She doesn’t believe me that they have sugar in them.”
So I asked her if she was having any soda, lemonade, tea, ice cream, shakes or slushies, and she told me, like a light bulb had gone off in her head, “Well, I have been drinking about 3 of the 48oz QuikTrip slushies every day for a while now. They’re just so good! And they arn’t food or drink, they’re slushies! So they don’t have any sugar in them, and I don’t need to record them!”
It was so hard to convince her that those are so full of sugar it isn’t even funny.
But seriously. 3 a day on a type 2 diabetic. It was one of the stupidest things I have ever heard in my life.
13. I’m doing counseling in an STI testing clinic. I had to explain to a young gay couple that if they both tested negative for HIV and don’t cheat on each other, that they could not get infected with HIV out of nowhere. They seemed to think that unprotected gay sex spontaneously generates an HIV infection.
14. I’m not an M.D. but I am an eye doctor. Recently, I had to tell a patient that no, you should not attempt to continue wearing a contact lens that was dropped in the damn toilet! Maybe that’s where your eye infection came from?
15. A woman came in for a well-baby check with her 6 month old and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the baby’s bottle. The doctor started explaining to her as kindly as he could that she shouldn’t be giving her baby chocolate milk, at which point she interrupts him and says “oh that isn’t chocolate milk. Its coffee! He just loves it!”
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
The share of stay-at-home mothers has risen since 2000 among married mothers with working husbands. Since stay-at-home moms don’t earn an actual paycheck for the work they do, it’s not uncommon for resentments to arise between spouses who stay at home and those who go to work.
But is that really fair? Is one “job” more important than the other?
The story below is an urban legend/long-form joke (often seen under the title, “Why A Man Should Never Complain”) that’s been circulating online for many years. The story begins with a wife and mother who stays home and takes care of the kids and chores while her husband works a full-time job.
He goes to the office every day and works hard for his money, until one day he gets fed up with being the sole breadwinner. He prays to God to let him switch places with his wife, so that she can know firsthand what it’s like to work so hard every day.
So, God grants him his ultimate wish — only this husband ends up getting way more than he bargained for, and learns a lesson he’ll never forget.
Wait until you see how this story ends. It’s nothing short of brilliant…
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed.
“Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.’”
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balance the check book.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dogs.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor; ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,
“Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.’”
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied,
“My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You’ll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.’”
Now THAT’S a punchline.
Monday, December 26, 2016
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."