These were sent to me titled as Wisdom…not sure I would consider all of them wise. What do you think?
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Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Sunday, August 28, 2016
I’ve shared a few of these before…
FINALLY, it just had to come to this sooner or later!
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!
Saturday, August 27, 2016
Friday, August 26, 2016
For this golfer who lost an arm, you’d think it would all be bad news…
Sounds pretty bad so far, but it gets better.
In this case, it HAD to get better before it got worse…
And the punchline please:
Thursday, August 25, 2016
In North Carolina, bingo games cannot last more than 5 hours.
In Gainesville, GA, you MUST eat fried chicken with your hands. Any other method is illegal.
You can't wrestle bears in Alabama.
In Paulding, OH, policeman can bite dogs…but only if they think it will calm the dog down.
A man may not give his fiancée a box of candy weighing more than 50 lbs. in Idaho.
In Washington State, you can't buy meat on Sundays.
Don't sing off-key in North Carolina…it's illegal!
In Eureka, NV, you can't kiss a woman if you have a mustache.
If you want to take a picture of a rabbit between January and April in Wyoming, you need a permit.
It's illegal to harass Bigfoot in Washington State.
If you cut down a cactus in Arizona, you could get up to 25 years in prison.
In Quitman, GA, chickens are not allowed to cross the road.
Marriage between cousins is illegal in Utah…if they're younger than 65.
You can't sell your eyeballs in Texas.
If you've eaten garlic or onions, you can't attend a public event in Indiana for the next four hours.
In Minneapolis, MN, you're not allowed to drive red cars down Lake Street.
The punishment for stealing soap in Arizona is to wash yourself until the bar of soap is gone.
In Rhode Island, it's illegal to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer...on a Sunday.
In Delaware, it's a misdemeanor to sell or barter the fur of a domestic dog or cat.
You need a permit to feed garbage to pigs in Arizona.
Every operator of an underground coal mine in Ohio must provide "adequate supply" of toilet paper with each toilet.
If your frog dies during a frog-jumping contest in California, you can't eat it.
In Iowa, it's a misdemeanor to try to pass off margarine as butter.
Vending machines that dispense non-latex condoms are illegal in Maryland.
In Arkansas, it's illegal for a pinball machine to give more than 25 free games to a player who keeps winning.
You can't collect seaweed at night in New Hampshire.
If you guide a sheep onto train tracks in Missouri with the intent to injure the train, you can be fined up to $50,000.
In Indiana, liquor stores can't sell cooled soda or water, but they can sell UNCOOLED soda.
You can't hunt, trap, or intentionally harm an albino deer in Tennessee.
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
She included the note “Don't Blame Me - I only forward them on!” Ha!
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says.
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan,
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are...
Never take life too seriously!
Come on now! You grinned, I know you did!
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”
Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.
A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.”
“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Betty — it’s me, Bertha.”
“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice.
“Bertha! Where are you?”
“In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.
“The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Tuesday.”
Monday, August 22, 2016
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Thanks to all y’all for the prayers, positive energy, emails and messages!
Am trying to get around and visit a bit in blogland as y’all are what have helped keep me sane!
Saturday, August 20, 2016
Friday, August 19, 2016
This is something that happened at an assisted living centre.
The people who live there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a heck of a time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.
She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the
way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.
A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.
The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
Guess that’s what ya call a clothing malfunction.