Adult Content Warning
You have entered a site intended for ADULTS ONLY. If you are under the age of 18, or if it is illegal to view such material in your community, please exit this site immediately. This site contains mature content including but not limited to; articles, discussions, pictures and other materials that some people may find offensive. If such materials offend you, please exit this site immediately.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him…but they taste like Peppermint.
Monday, February 27, 2017
Sunday, February 26, 2017
Lovers help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.
FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Saturday, February 25, 2017
How to reset your wife when she's falling apart…
You can find them in every grocery store, office, playground and drop off lane at the local elementary school.
The women who wipe their children's tears away, who selflessly serve day after day with little or no appreciation, who juggle working and parenting and sleepless nights and endless guilt, who love their husbands fiercely, who continually look after everyone's needs except their own. They are the women who quietly run the world.
And, if you're a woman reading this article, "they" probably means you.
I know the look in your eye. I know what it feels like to give everything and never feel like it's enough. I know what it feels like to wake up and wonder how you'll ever make it through the day. Please know that you are not alone.
To the husbands, we need you. We know that we can not walk the path of life alone. When we fall, we need you to catch us, and help us stand tall. We need you to wipe our tears away and hold us so tightly that it's almost difficult to breathe. We need you to comfort us when life becomes too hard to bear.
To the incredible men who love us, I know that it is hard to know what to do. I know that sometimes the right words are difficult to find. We want to help you help us. I asked women from all over the world to share their thoughts about how husbands can help their wives reset when they are stressed or overwhelmed. I hope these ideas are helpful to you:
1. Be aware of her responsibilities
Regardless of whether she stays at home or goes to work, do you know what she does all day? If you don't, ask her. Her to-do list is probably overflowing with tasks that far outweigh her time and energy. Be mindful of her needs and appreciative of her sacrifices.
2. Get involved BEFORE she burns out
The best time to begin helping your wife is now. Don't wait until she breaks down to offer a helping hand.
3. Be an active participant
It takes two to parent. It takes two to make a marriage work. It takes two to run a household. Be fully involved in every aspect of your family life. Work is hard, but your employment status doesn't give you permission to opt out of chores, disciplining and planning date nights.
4. Stop trying to fix her problems
Just listen. That's all you need to do. And if she wants you to offer solutions, she'll ask for them.
5. Hold her
Find something to keep your kids preoccupied, and then take your wife into your arms and tell her how much you love her. Hold her closely and let her cry into your shoulder. Comfort her the best way you know how.
6. Let her talk for as long as she needs
Sometimes the best way for a woman to reset is by getting all of her thoughts out. Let your wife talk through her feelings and problems. Show empathy. Listen carefully. Ask questions. Be fully engaged in the conversation.
7. Be a partner
Marriage is committing to share a life together. To carry one another's burdens. To cry with one another. To support one another through difficult times. Marriage means being one another's confidant, lover and friend. You aren't just two people living together. You are a beautiful union of two people who covenant to love each other forever.
8. Provide her hope
Encourage her. Let her know what you love about her. Help her see the good in any situation. Avoid being critical or negative. When she's hit rock bottom, be the man who lifts her up, and brings light and hope back into her life.
9. Be useful
Learn the art of looking around the house and finding things that need to get done. Are there dishes in the sink? Does the dog need to be walked? What is broken that needs to be fixed? Don't wait to be asked. Just do it!
10. Give her a day all to herself
Nothing feels better than getting a manicure, pedicure, hair cut, massage, and a new outfit. Let her sleep in, take a hot bath, and spend some quiet time alone. Support her and take over her day-to-day tasks, so she can have time to take care of herself.
11. Pray for her
Right before you go to bed, kneel down next to your bed together, hand in hand, and pray. Tell God how much you love your wife. Let him know what you appreciate about her. Ask for his help. Ask him to tell you how you can be a better spouse to her. Ask him to comfort her and help her see herself as He see her.
12. Ask her what you can do to help
Your wife knows what you can do to help her reset, so just ask her. She'll appreciate it more than you will ever know. Because, you know what? She loves you too, and she is grateful every day for what you do for her.
Friday, February 24, 2017
What a relief to learn this!
Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?
Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an Event Boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.
Thank goodness for studies like this.
It's not our age, it's that damn door!
Thursday, February 23, 2017
"My sister in law swears by this hair brush for her thick long hair. I saw it and thought so many other things. It's called a tail tamer paddle brush. It's for horses, but my mind went totally somewhere else."
Tail Tamer Paddle?
Yup…my mind went to taming this tail…
not this one…
Anyone surprised by that?
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Monday, February 20, 2017
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Yes, it's that magical time of year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
The glorious winner:
1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its’ men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and also lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for three days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer . . . $15.
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on his head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape . . .
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 a.m., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for . . . Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
*** Remember . . . they walk among us and they can reproduce.***
Friday, February 17, 2017
Thursday, February 16, 2017
A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I've been having all these years ? Well, they're gone.”
“No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”
His wife replies, “Angie referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat ,20 times
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
Well, it worked ! The headaches are all gone.”
“Well, that is wonderful” proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, “You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife an d carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, “Don't move, I'll be right back.”
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, “WOW! That was wonderful!”
The husband says, “Don't move ! I will be right back..”
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning “OH MY GOD” she proclaims.
Her husband again says, “Don't move, I'll be right back..”
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying…
“She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife”
His funeral service will be held Saturday.
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Monday, February 13, 2017
Sunday, February 12, 2017
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Friday, February 10, 2017
Thursday, February 9, 2017
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in.
I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?
The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial; but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand.
The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to quit laughing...👏 😭
Monday, February 6, 2017
St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band.
It really breaks the tranquility, and If you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished, Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy. ”
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere.
Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, "Who hit the duck?”
The guy who had done it admitted, "I did. ”
St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks,", he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity. ”
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did.
The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.
He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said; "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity. ”
The third man was extremely careful.
Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of even nudging a duck.
After three months, he still hadn't hit a duck.
St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, "I wonder what I did to deserve this?
The woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."
Sunday, February 5, 2017
l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:
Wife: Do you drink beer?
Wife: How many beers a day?
Husband: Usually about three.
Wife: How much do you pay per beer?
Husband: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
Wife: And how long have you been drinking?
Husband: About 20 years, I suppose.
Wife: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Wife: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Wife: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Husband: Do you drink beer?
Husband: Where is your airplane?
Wondering if this husband is still alive and in one piece! 😭
Saturday, February 4, 2017
On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.
Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
“Oh, that’s my trouble tree,” he replied.” I know I can’t help having troubles on the job, but one thing’s for sure, troubles don’t belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again.”
He paused. “Funny thing is,” he smiled, “when I come out in the morning to pick ‘em up, there ain’t nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before.”
Friday, February 3, 2017
So, Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, they put up a new sign:
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
In order to get Farmer John off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign.
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down.
So he drove out to Farmer John's house.
His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
Thursday, February 2, 2017
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave things on the floor.
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you interesting when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell them.
11. When you drop a silent one, they enjoy the aroma and don't run around frantically with room spray.
12. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick them.
13. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.
14. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
And last, but not least:
15. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.