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Thursday, July 31, 2014
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but “Nescafe”.
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: “Good till the last drop.”
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read:”Benson & Hedges”.
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: “Extra long. King Size”.
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words “British Airways”.
Mum took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways.
The ad said:
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the woman you were with?”
“Sure and I can’t be telling you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Patricia Kelly?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Liz Shannon?”
“I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.”
“Was it Cathy Morgan?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Fiona McDonald, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now.”
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Three month’s vacation and five good leads!” says Tommy.
Monday, July 28, 2014
The woman says to the man, ''You want to hold my hand, don't you?''
The man says,''Yes, how did you know?''
She says, ''By the gleam in your eye.''
So they held hands.
A little down the road the woman says to the man, ''You want to kiss me don't you?''
The man says,''Yes, how did you know?''
She says, ''By the gleam in your eye.''
So they kissed and kept walking.
A little later the woman asks the man, ''You want to screw me don't you?''
The man says, ''How did you know? By the gleam in my eye?''
The woman says, ''No, by the tilt in your kilt.''
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Here’s a parenting pro tip for everyone: never give your child your passport along with a sharpie pen, because this is what it will look like after your little Da Vinci gets to work. This particular passport belongs to a Chinese man who got stuck in an airport in South Korea because his passport was claimed unrecognizable by the border officials.
It is indeed hard to recognize the man because the passport is completely covered in amusing doodles drawn by his son, a four-year-old with an artistic streak.
The picture was originally posted on social networking site Weibo by the father, known only as Chen, alongside a plea for help, Shanghaiist reports.
But looks like the plea did not help, as he had to enjoy his prolonged holiday in South Korea.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
You might have noticed that I redecorated my blog...please let me know if you have trouble reading it. And yes, the "Adults only" notice above has always been on my blog...just moved it.
Some people don’t want the responsibility of creating and maintaining a blog. You might me one of those people but you still might like to share a thought or two…maybe a recipe…or maybe have a question you would like blogland to help answer. If so, please email me…I am happy to share my blog.
If you have tried any of the recipes I have shared here and would like to give feedback as to how you and your family enjoyed it…please feel free. Would love to hear if you changed up any of the ingredients.
Regarding recipes…I collect cookbooks and recipes so if there is a recipe you would like to try…maybe one you’ve been looking for, please feel free to email me…I just might have it.
I have received several emails asking which post contains examples of my paintings. In addition, I keep forgetting which pictures I have emailed to which person so I have created a separate page called “My Artwork”…the link for it is located on the right side of the blog with the page links to “My Life” and “Internet Acronyms and Characters”. I will be posting pictures of my art there. So anytime you are curious, you can go see my latest work. Yes, Comments are allowed on that page and I will be answering any questions you might have.
The following canvasses are part of my WIP:
This is the Chinese character for Love
This is is self-explanatory but for those of you who are in doubt, yes, it is a female bottom.
I will post each of them on my artwork page as I complete them.
Now I will leave you with a few naughty giggles…hope you enjoy!
Would this “happy” couple of lawn gnomes offend or entertain your neighbors? Pick one or even two up…ON SALE NOW at Rebel Circus! http://www.rebelcircus.com/happy-couple-lawn-gnome.html
Friday, July 25, 2014
- 2 cups cooked rice
- ¼ pound cooked shrimp
- 2 tablespoons sesame oil
- 1 small onion, chopped
- ½ cup thin sliced carrots
- ½ cup frozen peas, thawed
- 1 clove garlic, minced
- ⅛ teaspoon red pepper flakes (optional)
- 2 eggs lightly beaten
- 2 tablespoons soy sauce
- 2 tablespoons green onions
- Heat sesame oil in large skillet or wok on medium heat.
- Add onion and carrots, stir fry until almost tender.
- Add peas and garlic, stir for another minute.
- Crack eggs into pan and scramble, mixing throughout the vegetables
- Add rice, stir until heated almost through.
- Add shrimp, stir until heated through.
- Remove from heat and stir in soy sauce and optional red pepper flakes.
- Remove from heat and top with green onions.
- I use whatever rice I have cooked…usually brown basmati but any will work.
- Since shrimp is pre-cooked, make sure your rice is almost heated through before adding shrimp.
- I have also made this with chicken rather than shrimp.
- If you don’t want any meat, you can increase your vegetables.
- A friend of mine uses mixed frozen peas/carrots rather than cutting the carrots but I prefer sliced carrots rather than small cubes.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions. As always, if you try this, I would love any feedback you care to give.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then she realized why.
It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
Moral of the story?
If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Can you imagine even having the same car for 82 years? I thought I was doing good with the same car for a bit over 15 years!
Mr. Allen Swift ( Springfield, MA ) received this 1928 Rolls-Royce Piccadilly-P1 Roadster from his father, brand new - as a graduation gift in 1928.
He drove it up until his death last year…at the age of 102!!!
He was the oldest living owner of a car that was purchased new.
Just thought you'd like to see it.
It was donated to a Springfield museum after his death.
It has 1,070,000 miles on it, still runs like a Swiss watch, dead silent at any speed and is in perfect cosmetic condition (82 years). That's approximately 13,048 miles per year (1087 per month).
1,070,000 miles, not kilometers!!
Monday, July 21, 2014
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor??"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Sunday, July 20, 2014
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
Saturday, July 19, 2014
A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma.
One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma.
The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?"
Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old...how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny...I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
Friday, July 18, 2014
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside.
She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Thursday, July 17, 2014
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough...there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, scaring the kids!"
Yup…definitely a blonde moment or two!
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Paul walks into the boss’s office.
“Sir, let me get straight to the point, I know the economy is really down, but I have a couple of companies after me, and I would like to ask for a raise.”
After a few minutes of haggling between them, the boss finally agrees to a 10% raise, and Paul gets up to leave happily.
“One minute”, says the boss to Paul,
“Which companies are after you, by the way?”
“The gas company, cable company, and phone company”, Paul replied!
Monday, July 14, 2014
Another good reason to lock the door and make sure no one else has a key!
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Starting the week on a positive note…
11 Things to Remember When You Think You're Not Good Enough
Some days turn out better or worse than others – that’s a fact. But ultimately, the way we feel about our life and ourselves has the biggest impact on the outcome of each day. Happiness and confidence can create outcomes that exceed our expectations, like a continual ray of sunshine even on a cloudy day.
But, when we are down on ourselves, especially when we think we are not good enough, life can easily and quickly take a turn for the worse. We can unexpectedly find ourselves entrenched in a deep, dark hole. When we repeatedly allow ourselves feel this way for days, weeks or even months at a time, it can have detrimental effects on our happiness, health, relationships, and careers.
That’s why it’s best to prevent a self-esteem slide. Sometimes the smallest bit of inspiration can help us turn things around when we feel we are not good enough.
Here is a quick list of 11 things to remember when you think you’re not good enough. Save this for yourself, you never know when you may need it and share it with others. Let’s put an end to the false reality of the negative belief, “you’re not good enough”!
1. Life is about progress, not perfection. Strive for excellence!
Instead, strive for excellence. Excellence is far superior and you can create the level of personal excellence that works for you and where you are. Most of us are juggling so many tasks in so many areas that we cannot possibly perfect in every area and still be happy, but we attain excellence and it’s far more rewarding!
2. What you do right NOW can create a better outcome.
The best way to move forward is to be present and put our full focus on the now in a positive manner. When we feel good about the things that are going well and display gratitude for what we have we allow for more of those good things to come to us.
The same is true when we focus on negative, however, positive thinking is much more powerful and reigns supreme. In fact, some say it is 1000x stronger. So, no matter what happened,, be grateful you are still here to correct it and move forward. Take this time, even if it’s an eensy-weensy minute, and take a deep breath, focus on the good and allow yourself the ability to help create a better outcome.
3. Positive thinking is your birthright.
If you want things to turn around for your highest good you must keep your faith, release fear, and keep your focus on solutions. Positive thinking is your birthright. It can always improve any situation, no matter how dire it may appear.
4. There is more RIGHT with you than wrong with you.
When we switch our focus to what is right about ourselves, we could probably write down a long list. In fact, if you need to do that exercise, do it! Focus on your strengths and what you do well. In the areas that you could improve, be reasonable with yourself and if it’s an area you truly believe you need to improve create action steps to do so. Either way, there IS more right with you than wrong with you.
5. Everyone makes mistakes!
When we continually learn and grow from our mistakes we begin to see bigger success in our life, more fulfillment and true and lasting happiness. Success takes work and mistakes are part of that.
6. Remember you are exactly where you need to be right now.
So when you feel like you’ve failed or that you’ll never reach your goals, remind yourself that the Universe didn’t say no, it just said not yet. Continually remind yourself that you are in the perfect place right now, and continue moving forward in faith.
7. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can.
You could even think of a flower garden. Each flower blooms at it’s own pace and shows it’s unique beauty as it does so. Continue reaching for the light, allowing yourself to be nurtured. Much like the flower, your life will come into bloom as well.
8. You deserve your own unconditional love and forgiveness.
Begrudging yourself or holding on to negative thoughts about yourself will not bring you justice – the grief and pain will only end up affecting you.
Let go of the bitterness and resentment towards yourself or your situation. Let go of the negative feelings and remove the focus and attention to the unwanted. Forgiving yourself for making a mistake and allowing yourself to “love YOU no matter what” is wonderful. It will lead you to even more positive feelings of understanding, compassion and empathy, allowing you to grow into a better experience.
9. There’s always a solution, keep looking!
Follow a path of positive faith and just watch new solutions appear. It may be a simple solution, and it may only be a part of the solution that you need to put together. The puzzle pieces are always there – it’s up to you to put the picture in place.
10. The only comparing and competing you should be doing is with yourself.
11. You can’t always change things, but you can ALWAYS change the way you look at things.
The bottom line is that times can get tough – but there’s nothing wrong with believing you’re tougher. Because when you believe you ARE good enough to create the life you desire, and you believe that YOU ARE good enough to make it through any situation. When this happens, the way you look at things suddenly change, and before you know it, your reality positively changes with it.
Now, who was it that said you’re not good enough?
Courtesy of powerofpositivity.com