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Monday, February 29, 2016

The Briefcase

No matter what your country, party affiliation, or ideology, this is funny…



A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairie without water.  His horse had already died of thirst.  He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.  He opens it and out pops a genie.


But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook.  She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.  'Well, cowboy,' says the genie, 'You know how I work...You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy, 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'


'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. 'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.


'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich...beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.


 'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.  Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.


Moral of the story:

If the U.S. government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

As I Age

I have shared some of these before but enjoyed them so much, had to share them again. Winking smile

A Retired Person's Perspective
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.  I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.  People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by looking at her hands.  If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers.  Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met?  That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day.  Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today...That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim".  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtains for murders.  If you find one, what's you plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid.  Politicians just abuse the privilege.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Dental Floss

Do not glance at the end until you have looked at the three photos!

Pay close attention to each scene, tricky Colgate has created a very ingenious advertising campaign to promote their dental floss.

But...before I explain to you the main detail of these images, I will let you observe them quietly on your own.


COUPLE 1
couple 1




COUPLE 2
couple 2




COUPLE 3
couple 3



Alright...
 
Now that you've had time to quietly observe the images...


* In the first photograph, you might have noticed that the woman has six fingers on her left hand.


* In the second photograph, a phantom arm is floating behind the man.


* And in the third photograph, the man has only one ear.


 
The campaign attained its purpose.  It proved that food debris on your teeth draws more attention than any physical defect does.

 
How well did you do??

 
Most people will fail…how about you?

 

So now you know that no matter what physical "defect" you might feel self-conscious about, just stick a chunk of spinach between your front teeth and no one will notice anything else about you!  Open-mouthed smile


Friday, February 26, 2016

Gentlemanly Behavior

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm.  After a while, they came upon a small cabin.  Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets in the corner and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.  Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed.  I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said, "Father, I'm cold."  He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got a blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold."  He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into his sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."


This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea.  We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."


The nun purred, "That's fine by me."


To which the priest yelled back, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"  Annoyed

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Great Historical Photo’s

Here is the way they parked cars in NYC during the 1930’s. Wouldn’t you love to own this group of cars today?!
historical pics p1
 

Righting the overturned hull of USS Oklahoma at Pearl Harbor, 19 March 1943
historical pics p2
 

A worker helping to build the Empire State Building in the 1930’s, during the Great Depression era.  No safety equipment used here and very dangerous work.
historical pics p3
 

In the Paluxy River, in Glen Rose, Texas, they found human AND dinosaur footprints in the clay.
historical pics p4
 

This is what NYC looked like in the late 1800’s.  A busy place.  I wonder who had the jobof picking up all the road apples from the horses?
historical pics p5
 

The USS Ranger...the first Aircraft Carrier.  Just look at the Bi-Planes!
historical pics p6
 

A Normandy Beach landing photo they don't show in textbooks - Brave women of the Red Cross arriving in 1944 to help the injured troops, WWII.
historical pics p7
 

Library hidden in a cave, a unique repository of ancient manuscripts known as the Library Cave.  A hidden cache of 50,000 books and rolls dating from ca 500 1002 AD that were deemed heretical and hidden in the cavesince the early 11th Century.  I wonder where this cave is located. historical pics p8
 

"Second Class Saloon"  The saloon that Wyatt Earp and his wife owned in Nome, Alaska between 1887-1901. He knew where the money was!
historical pics p9
 

It took big cajones to be a steel worker during this period, when they weren’t required to use any safety lines.  I mean BIG!
historical pics p10

 
This crew was working on the Woolworth Bldg, NYC, in 1926. Like I said...BIG ONES!
historical pics p11
 

Atlanta in the Civil War before Gen. Sherman burned the city to the ground.
historical pics p12
 

New Orleans circa 1906.  "Italian headquarters, Madison Street."  The streets were still dirt!
historical pics p13
 

On July 10, 1913, Death Valley, California hits 134 °F (~56.7 °C), the highest temperature ever recorded in the United States. You remember “20 mule team Borax”?
historical pics p14
 

A cool photo of the Eiffel Tower, Paris in 1928.
historical pics p15
 

Baptism in the river.  From "Appalachian Life" photographic study.
historical pics p16


Child soldier - in desperation the Nazi's used many of these children often as fodder for front line diversionary actions.  These children didn't have a chance.
historical pics p17
 

This photo, taken at the end of the war shows a young boy terrified by the sounds of battle.  He even wet his pants!  You can see he is being told to toughen up!
historical pics p18
 

No other family in American history has suffered a wartime loss like that of Waterloo's Sullivan family.  The Sullivans gave up their five sons in a World War II tragedy that has never been forgotten.  They all were serving on the same ship that was sunk.  The Navy changed its policy after that tragedy about next of kin serving on the same ship.
historical pics p19
 

lleta Sullivan reads a letter from the U.S. Navy.  She received two letters from F.D.R. in February of 1943.  The first informed her of the death of her five sons in the line of duty, the second, sent later, requested her presence at the christening of the destroyer U.S.S. Sullivans named in their honor.  Can you even start to imagine the grief this poor lady had?
historical pics p20

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Vow of Silence

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the abbot (the head monk).  The abbot said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."  The man agreed.

 
clip_image001
 

After the first 3 years, the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?"  
"Food cold!" the man replied.  The abbot made sure the meals are not cold.
 
 

Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?".
"Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.  The abbot ordered his robe be washed.
 
 
 
Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Bed hard!"  The abbot made sure the mattress got re-stuffed.
 
 

Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" said the man.




"Well," the abbot replied, "I'm not surprised, you've done nothing but complain since you got here!"

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Boxes

Enjoy...

God's Boxes
I have in my hands two boxes,
Which God gave me to hold.
He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black box,
And all your joys in the gold."
 
I heeded His words, and in the two boxes,
Both my joys and sorrows I stored,
But though the gold became heavier each day,
The black was as light as before.
 
With curiosity, I opened the black,
I wanted to find out why,
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole,
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.
 
I showed the hole to God, and mused,
"I wonder where my sorrows could be!"
He smiled a gentle smile and said,
"My child, they're all here with me.”
 
I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,
Why the gold and the black with the hole?
"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings, the black is for you to let go."
 
We should consider all of our friends a blessing.
Share this with your friends today just to let them know you are thinking of them and that they are a joy in your life.
 
A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end.
It keeps us together like our Circle of Friends.
But the treasure inside for you to see,
Is the treasure of friendship you've granted to me.
 

Today I pass the friendship ball to you.
Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you...



Monday, February 22, 2016

Dictionary of Evalulation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
feedback
AVERAGE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.

WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

Do you agree or disagree?

Have you used any of these as a manager?

Have you received any of these?

Any you would like to add and/or redefine?

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Dunkin Donuts has a new ad.

Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years is at it again.  Winking smile  Hope you enjoy!


dunkindonuts
 
The School of Psychology, Harvard University, conducted a survey
called "What really do you see?"

People were asked to focus their attention on a simple picture and
then asked if they had noticed anything odd.


Now you have the chance to take part in this survey.


Study the picture for about a minute; then identify what you see that is HORRENDOUS.
 
 

Results of the Survey:

1. 100% of males failed this test.  They were distracted by the boobs.

2. 100% of the females also failed this test.  They were distracted by the wide choice of doughnuts.



The real answer:

There's a mouse on one of the doughnuts!  Surprised smile

Friday, February 19, 2016

Learned it School

 

learned in school

turkey1-200x300

 

And just what did you think it was?  Wash your mind out!  Winking smile

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Hero

Here are some beautiful pictures of some very precious heroes courtesy of our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong.  Tissue alert…





heroes p1
So nice to see those brave dogs being looked after!
 
heroes p2

This is my human there are many like it but this one is mine...

And the guy on the left has a BIG smile on his face.  It's his dog and he is glad it found another lap to sit on instead of his. (Note the brown leash)









 
 
heroes p3
Oh Come On We Both Fit On This Thing! See!?
  
heroes p4
 



I totally saw the dog and is wonderful wing man, never really paid attention to anything else until I started reading the comments.  Thank you to our military and their very special dogs who are sent into the worse case scenarios






heroes p5
My son was half of a K9 couple.  His first partner was Banjo, explosives detection.  Oh, the stories we've heard!  His second partner was Brit, drug dog.  I have nothing but the utmost respect for all K9 teams.
heroes p6



He/she deserved it! Thank you for your service, sweet little puppy.











heroes p7Look at the power in the thighs and shoulders of this soldier.  And that beautiful, determined face.  I grew up being told by my Air Force father that women could never serve in combat.  Oh, yeah?  Tell that to this American soldier!  To paraphrase Lincoln: "SHE who shall have borne the battle..."

heroes p8




He looks so fierce, but sad…
Tears rolling down his/hers face.















heroes p9
They trust each other!


heroes p10



The dog survived, the handler sadly did not.

















heroes p11He is receiving a medal for his service to our Country...
well deserved.


heroes p12



Let's go for a walk they said.
It'll be fun they said.
 







heroes p13Best friend I could of ever asked for!!!
  
heroes p14




IF ONLY we humans would love
one another this way too.













heroes p15Every K9 soldier would give their life for their partner,
no question they r angels of war...
bond beyond words.

heroes p16



Hey, that's an Israeli soldier!
 
 










 
 
heroes p17
The love of a dog is the closest thing to the love God
has for the human race. 
Greater love hath no man than to lay down his life for
his friends ...

heroes p18



Thank you for your service. 
Now run free over the rainbow bridge.








heroes p19Not a K9 Soldier, but nonetheless a dog who will serve.
His contribution to morale and mental health of the soldiers who found him, take care of him, and will hopefully bring him home with them should also be recognized.
Not a War Dog, but still a Dog of War.

heroes p20




THAT is an awesome picture!!!
 
 
 
 
 
  





heroes p21The sharp dried weeds/grass was probably hurting the dog's feet. Saw another picture once where the human soldier was carrying his dog over burning hot sand. If it's too hot or cold on the ground for you to go barefooted, it's too hot or cold for animals too.
He ain't heavy he's my brother!

heroes p22




This is the family of fallen Marine Cpl Dustin Lee. They were allowed to adopt "Lex".
















 
heroes p23"That's not a dog, THAT'S A MARINE." -
Gny Sgt. Leroy Jethro Gibb, USMC "NCIS"


heroes p24





He looks like he's saying its
okay we got this covered.
 
 
 
 
 
 










heroes p25
Look after them like they
looked after you.