Below Par IQs

ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT A PUBLIC GOLF COURSE   

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:    What are your green fees?

Staff:     38 dollars.

Caller:   Does that include golf?

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:    Yes, I need to get some information from you First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:    Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday.  

               What's the weather going to be like that day?

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:    Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm  running late. Can you still get me out early?

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:    Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?

Staff:      You mean a driving range?

Caller:    No, that's not it.

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:    Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o'clock and noon.

Staff:      Between 12 o'clock and noon?

Caller:    Yes.

Staff:      We'll try to squeeze you in.

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:    Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?

Staff:      Yes, we have one at 10:15.

Caller:    What's the next time after that?

Staff:      We have one at 10:22.

Caller:    We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer  

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:   How much to play golf today?

Staff:     25 to walk, 38 with a cart.

Caller:   38 dollars?

Staff:     No, 38 yen.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:   What do you have for tee times tomorrow?

Staff:     What time would you like?

Caller:   What times do you have?

Staff:     What time of the day?

Caller:   Any time.

Staff:     Morning or afternoon?

Caller:   Whenever.

Staff:     We have 16 times open in the morning and 20  open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?

Caller:   No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:   Do you have a dress code?

Staff:     Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.

Caller:   How about clothes?

Staff:     Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:   Yes, do you have a driving range there?

Staff:     Yes.

Caller:   How much for a bucket of large balls?

Staff:   Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:   Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?

Staff:     Sure, what time would you  like?

Caller:   Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock. In the morning, if possible.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:   Do you rent golf clubs there?

Staff:     Yes, they're 25 dollars.

Caller:   How much to rent a bag?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:   Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and  told me he's on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:   Yes, do you have a driving range there?

Staff:     Yes.

Caller:   How much for a large bucket?

Staff:     Four dollars.

Caller:   Does that include the balls?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:   Do you have a twilight rate?

Staff:     Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.

Caller:   And what time does that start?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help  you?

Caller:   Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.

Staff:     OK, what would you like to know?

Caller:   I don't know, that's why I called.

Staff:    Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:  My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and  said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy  them back?

Proper Way to Call a Guy a B*stard

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole at the local golf course when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.

He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them"

Old Golfer Speaks out

Another short but very good giggle from our Meredith's Jack…

We had a power cut at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
 

Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.
 

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.
 

She seems like a nice person.

Exercise for Pregnant Women

Another very good one from our Meredith's Jack.

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
 
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

 
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
 
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
 
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?"
 

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

(THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN'T BE TAUGHT)

An Ideal Present

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. 

The next day, the wife feeling bad about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf. 

The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked. 

"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. 

She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. 

"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said. 

"What kind of inscription?" she asked. 

"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'." 

"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."  

Oops!  😯

Testicle Therapy

Another giggle from our darlin’ Ami.

---

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize..

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.


At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?


'Feels great,' he replied; 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'

Golfing Partners

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen.


 
St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:  Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The  ducks?"

"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band.
It really breaks the tranquility, and If you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished,  Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy. ”


 
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere.

Within  fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, "Who hit the duck?”

The guy who had done it admitted, "I did. ”

St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks,", he  said.  Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity. ”


 
The  other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did.

The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.

He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said; "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity. ”



The third man was extremely careful.

Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of  even nudging a duck.

After three months, he still hadn't hit a duck.

St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.

St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, "I wonder what I did to deserve this?

 
The  woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck." 

Day of Golfing

Got home real late last night after a full day of golfing, drinking, and hanging out with the guys, and my wife left a message in the kitchen….


I think she wants me to eat more fruit, bless her heart!

Awww…bless his heart…I think he needs an interpreter.  

Enemies

Here’s a giggle from someone we haven’t heard from for a while…our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong. 

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.


The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.


"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf.  It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.


"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.


"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"


The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,  "I outlived the bastards."

Golfer Loses Arm

How come whenever you visit the doctor or the hospital, there’s always “good news and bad news”?
For this golfer who lost an arm, you’d think it would all be bad news…

But…it wasn’t...



Sounds pretty bad so far, but it gets better.
 

In this case, it HAD to get better before it got worse…

WAY worse…


 

And the punchline please:

Deserted Island

I do believe he’s been alone a bit too long!

Couple of Dollars

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
 


The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
 


"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
 

 


"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money.  Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.  "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
 


The man replied, "That's okay.  It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."