Did I Read That Sign Right?

A fun giggle, filled with oldies from Meredith's Jack! Enjoy!!!

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“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.”

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In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

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In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...

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In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

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In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

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Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

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Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...

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Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

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Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

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Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

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Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

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On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

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Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

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Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya' think?

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works better than a fair trial!

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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!

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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

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And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

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Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone to whom you want to bring a smile….. (maybe even a chuckle).

Ways to Tell Your Partner You Love Them

 10 Ways to Tell Your Partner You Love Them (Without Saying a Word)
 

We tried to do this without using words. Alas, everything we tried did not seem to work, thus we shall do it with their aid – so you will not need them.
 
TELL YOUR PARTNER “I LOVE YOU” (WITHOUT A WORD) BY DOING ANY OF THESE THINGS…
 
1. COOK THEIR FAVOURITE MEAL

They do say that “the quickest way to a person’s heart is through their stomach,”  such is the way we do not distinguish between sexes. Even if you are no Gordon Ramsey in the kitchen, just popping their favourite food in the microwave speaks volumes about how you see your honey bunny and where you are at as a couple. 

2. MAKE SURE THAT THEIR CLOTHES ARE CLEAN

Unless your significant other is actually insignificant to you, you would want their clothes smelling fresh for the next time of use. Washing, drying, ironing, putting them back in the closet. Fellas, sometimes you need to pull your finger out in this department, too. 

3. TURN ON THE OUTSIDE LIGHT (AND LEAVE A LOVE NOTE) IF YOUR OTHER HALF IS WORKING LATE

They don’t need to whip out their phone to know exactly where the door lock is if you show this simple gesture. It also illuminates the vicinity so they are not walking into complete darkness. How depressing is it to come home to that? 

And the love note? They’ll be happy to read it (and have the light to do so)… 

4. PUT FRESH TOWELS OUT FOR WHEN THE WORKING DAY/NIGHT IS DONE

This is very similar to #2. However, this time we do not usually use towels as clothes, unless you two are all alone! Nothing says “I Love You” quite like leaving clean towels ready for when they are needed the most. 

5. DESIGNATE A DATE NIGHT

Making sure all other distractions are out of the way, including kids, pets, interfering in-laws, meddling mothers, and others. In fact, if you could get them all together so you two love birds can enjoy some “us” time, everyone wins! Having some quality time together, refreshes the relationship and allows you to do this not normally allowed when you are not alone. 

6. WEAR THEIR FAVOURITE OUTFIT

We all love a woman/man in uniform. Her in a sexy nurse’s outfit, him in fireman’s garb. Let us get those pulses racing, the nurse’s bedside manner will see to that! The fireman will whip out his hose and put out all fires of desire, too! It is suddenly getting hot in here… 

7. GIVE THEM AN UNEXPECTED HUG AND/OR KISS

Who does not love some unexpected sugar? This could be enough to make someone’s day, especially those hugs and kisses from behind. They do not only feel good, they are also good for our health. According to Dr. Mercola, a ten-second hug a day can “lower risk of heart disease, reduce stress, fight fatigue, boost your immune system, fight infections, ease depression.” Now imagine what kissing can do… 

8. SEND THEM A SWEET TEXT MESSAGE

What exactly to send them, only you know. What we do know is that they will be absolutely made up about getting that message from you. Be as creative or as crazy as you like, they will be guaranteed to be smiling all day long and they might even send something back if they get the chance. 

9. DO SOMETHING WITH THEM THAT THEY ENJOY

For him: Watch the game with him wearing his team’s colours. For her: Go to the ballet with her wearing a nice suit and Italian leather shoes. Of course, these are suggestions and can be changed to suit all tastes. If you go with them to do something they love, they will love you even more for it. It is a question of making the effort for your boo.

10. BE SPONTANEOUS WITH THEM (IF YOU CAN)

Being spontaneous with your squeeze means you both can let your hair down and enjoy life. Taking that impromptu trip makes you love your life with them in it, a nice little road trip listening to your favourite songs and singing along to break the humdrum routine. At the end of it, you can laugh and say that you cannot believe you actually did that. We only get one life, so enjoy living a life you love with your favourite person with you.

Courtesy of Power of Positivity

Thoughts?

From Negative to Positive

How to Turn 11 Everyday Phrases From Negative to Positive

It’s official: positive language can literally change your brain.
 
Yes, that’s right—positive words like “peace,” “love” and “compassion” strengthen areas of the brain’s frontal lobes, and promote cognitive function. In simple terms, hearing and using positive language can make you feel great—physically, mentally and emotionally. On the flip side, negative language can block the brain’s natural de-stress mechanisms.
 
So, as well as adding some sparkly positive words into your everyday language—like “certainly,” “great” and “definitely”—it’s worth taking a look at phrases you might be using inadvertently and giving them a polish, too.
 
These 11 everyday phrases can easily be replaced, giving your vocabulary an instant positivity boost.
 

Every Day Positive Language 

1. Why not? → Sounds good
2. No problem → Definitely!
3. Can’t complain → Everything’s going well, thanks

These phrases are meant to be positive - but the human brain has a negative bias, and subconsciously brings up all of the reasons not to do something, problems, or complains when processing these words.

4. I’m exhausted → I need to rest

Flipping the phrase to include a solution leaves both the speaker and the listener with a better taste in their mouths.

 

Positive Language at Work

5. I forgot → I’ll make sure to set a reminder

Again, focusing on what can be done will help the people around you expect a positive result.

6. Unfortunately, it will be impossible to finish the project on time because of the problems some people are causing with submitting their work late. → Can everyone turn in their portion of the project by Thursday so that we can complete the work on time and hit the deadline?

Email culture provides the perfect opportunity to work on positive language, as you can edit your words before sending them out to colleagues and clients. Look out for negative words like “unfortunately,” “impossible” and “problems” as flags for sentences to revise.

7. Constructive criticism → Feedback

The words you use to frame your feedback can have a significant impact on how it is received. To add to the positive vibe, healthy portions of compliments for achievements will help your colleagues take your comments on board.

 

 Positive Language at Home

8. Don’t throw the ball inside! → Please take the ball outside.

or

9. Don’t… → I like it when…

Telling children (and adults, too!) what you want them to do rather than what you don’t want them to do puts the focus on the desired action and ups your chances of a positive outcome.

10. I missed you so much! → It’s so great to see you!

While absence certainly does make the heart grow fonder, reunions can be a time to rejoice in the present rather than relating negative emotions from the past.

11. No! → I know you like ice cream, but eating too much isn’t healthy.

Unless you’re dealing with a serious safety issue, for example near a road or a swimming pool, explaining the reason behind your “no” helps children feel respected and included. As a guide, think about how you’d like your boss to speak to you.

Courtesy of happify

Spectacular Words

 

As words are the way we can express ourselves, if you hope to be more successful in life, or just want to be understood more clearly, it's important to expand your vocabulary.
 
These seven particular words are truly spectacular and you really should start using them on a regular basis.
 
Imbroglio

Imbroglio refers to a very complicated, confusing or embarrassing situation. For example, "that police officer found it hard to understand the imbroglio that caused the two neighbors to begin throwing rotten eggs at each other."

 
Limerence

Limerence refers to the intense infatuation felt in the very early stages as a romance. For example, "She was feeling an incredible sense of limerence toward her new boyfriend."

 
Ephemeral

Of course, those feelings of limerence usually don't last long. Ephemeral means something that lasts for just a very short time. "My feelings about him were ephemeral; they left as quickly as they arrived."

 
Petrichor

Petrichor refers to that wonderful smell that follows the rain. "The air was ripe with the pleasant, dewy petrichor of the post-rain afternoon."

 
Mellifluous

Mellifluous refers to a smooth, pleasant, musical sound: "When the snakes heard the mellifluous sounds coming from the flute, they began to crawl back into the basket."

 
Vellichor

That strange wistfulness of used bookstores, which are somehow infused with the passage of time: filled with thousands of old books you’ll never have time to read, each of which is itself locked in its own era, bound and dated and papered over like an old room the author abandoned years ago.
“The moment the scent of lignin hit her nostrils she was overcome with vellichor."

 
Propinquity

Propinquity means nearness in place or time.
"The propinquity of Emma's bedroom to that of her parents’ makes it difficult for her to sneak out of the house at night."

Courtesy of Earthables

Lexophilia

Do you know the definintion of Lexophilia?  Sounds naughty doesn’t it.   Actually, for those of you who don’t know, it means ‘the love of words’.

Here are a few fun examples…

• Who on earth dreams these up?

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typ-o.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.

 

Are you a Lexophile?

Pronunciation Challenge

The poem below is a condensed version of 'The Chaos' by Gerard Nolst Trenité, written in 1922. It features a ridiculous number of words that are difficult to pronounce, so don't feel bad if you have to refer to a dictionary. I certainly did!

If you fancy yourself something of a professional linguist, then this challenge is for you. English is notoriously difficult to learn, as the language has so many exceptions to the rules. Even for a native English speaker, this poem presents quite a few challenges! Check it out and see how you fare. If you can pronounce all of the words, you speak English better than 90% of the population. 
 
Here we go!

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)

Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.

And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.

River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.

Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth,
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.

Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.

Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.

Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.

Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.

Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear

Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?

Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

Courtesy of Diply

So…how did you do?

Notes From Parents

Hmmm…looks as if these parents need to go back to school!

Church Ladies With Typewriters

Cali of His Rib Her Rock received the following from her mother and decided to share it with me to share with you.  Hope you enjoy these as much as I did.  I know I’ve previously shared some of them but it was quite a while ago.


They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins!  Thank Goodness for the church ladies with typewriters.  These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services: 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.  Just joking about fasting.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.  OMG!

 

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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.’  The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'

 Nuff said…

 

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.  It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands. 

If they’re not worth keeping…donate them!

 

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 

Churches have always been willing to kill people off.

 

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

Even gave a standing ovation and cheered.  LOL

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

May I suggest you turn to your neighbor and ask them if they have noticed any children around you.

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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Ooh someone doesn’t like their singing eh?

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. Because as everyone knows that you can’t be friends if your married!  *snort*

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Ya might want to bring a nose plug.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. 

Then you will have a good example.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 

Yup…some of those old choir members are really deteriorating…gonna fall apart right there in the choir loft.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

  Gonna need a bigger envelope!

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

  Must be hosted by my southern relatives…they are masters at gracious hostility…bless your heart.  

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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. 

The way some of these women cook it is very nice of them to provide medication.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

  Woohoo…wonder how many will have red bottoms after their husbands learn of this stunt! 

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 Ooh…

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Wouldn’t want to get caught in the rain wearing one of those!

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

  That sure does a lot to lower your self esteem a bit more doesn’t it!

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 

Aww…come on…their acting is not that bad!

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.

 Oh good gravy!  They aren’t that large!

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And this one just about sums them all up…
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

Well…Up Yours also Rev!

Proof Readers Still Needed

Thank you to our lovely Minelle from My Breath for sending the following for your enjoyment.  

23 riotous quotes from church bulletins
By Dennis Byrne, Thursday at 1:49 pm
 
I can't take credit for this either. It arrived  in my email. Even the faithful should get a kick of this.
 
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters.  These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
 
The Fasting & Prayer Conference  includes meals. 
 
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. How rude!  Certainly will not be donating to them! 
 
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. ‘The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.' Under the water?
 
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands. But…but…what if he’s worth keeping? 
 
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. No thanks!
 
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. That bad huh? 
 
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. LOL
 
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow…
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
 
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered…Um…don’t they’ll fit.
 
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Must be a Southern church!  
 
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. Think I’ll pass. 
 
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They  may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. And what do their husbands think about that!
 
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Woohoo!!!
 
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 
 
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.


The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
 
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. Now that’s just plain mean!
 
And this one just about sums them all up:
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:  'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.' Might want to rethink that slogan.

Courtesy of http://www.chicagonow.com/dennis-byrnes-barbershop/2013/06/23-riotous-quotes-from-church-bulletins/

More Signs…

ROFLMBO!!!
And I betcha some of you are right there laughing with me!

Schools and Churches...

Ya just never know. :D

ROFLMAO!

Top 7 Worst Website Names

1. Whorepresents.com

(Who Represents)

2. Expertsexchange.com

(Experts Exchange)

3. Penisland.net

(Pen Island)

4. Therapistfinder.com

(Therapist Finder)

5. Molestationnursery.com

(Mole Station Nursery)

6. Speedofart.com

(Speed of Art)

7. Cummingfirst.com

(A website to Cummings Methodist Church)

courtesy of http://9gag.com/

Think these people should have thought before they registered their domains.  LOL

Proof Reader Needed

These are actual excerpts from church bulletins. LOL

"This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin."

“National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

“A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow."

"The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning."

"Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

"The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. "

"Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get."

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

"Thursday night — Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow."

“Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation."

"Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."

"When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel."

"This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jones to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."

"Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days."

"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our bell choir practice."

"The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

"The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility."

" For those who have children and don't know it, there is a nursery downstairs."

"The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."

"Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted."

"Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time."

"Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers."

courtesy of  http://www.beliefnet.com/

Hope you enjoy. :)