Church Ladies With Typewriters

Cali of His Rib Her Rock received the following from her mother and decided to share it with me to share with you.  Hope you enjoy these as much as I did.  I know I’ve previously shared some of them but it was quite a while ago.


They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins!  Thank Goodness for the church ladies with typewriters.  These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services: 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.  Just joking about fasting.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.  OMG!

 

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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.’  The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'

 Nuff said…

 

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.  It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands. 

If they’re not worth keeping…donate them!

 

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 

Churches have always been willing to kill people off.

 

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

Even gave a standing ovation and cheered.  LOL

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

May I suggest you turn to your neighbor and ask them if they have noticed any children around you.

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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Ooh someone doesn’t like their singing eh?

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. Because as everyone knows that you can’t be friends if your married!  *snort*

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Ya might want to bring a nose plug.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. 

Then you will have a good example.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 

Yup…some of those old choir members are really deteriorating…gonna fall apart right there in the choir loft.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

  Gonna need a bigger envelope!

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

  Must be hosted by my southern relatives…they are masters at gracious hostility…bless your heart.  

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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. 

The way some of these women cook it is very nice of them to provide medication.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

  Woohoo…wonder how many will have red bottoms after their husbands learn of this stunt! 

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 Ooh…

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Wouldn’t want to get caught in the rain wearing one of those!

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

  That sure does a lot to lower your self esteem a bit more doesn’t it!

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 

Aww…come on…their acting is not that bad!

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.

 Oh good gravy!  They aren’t that large!

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And this one just about sums them all up…
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

Well…Up Yours also Rev!