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Sunday, January 31, 2016

Golden Saloon

Hope this starts your week on a good note. Winking smile  

golden saloon

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Best Obituary Ever

The Best Obituary Ever Written In a Newspaper. This Is Genius.
 
An obituary printed in the New York Times:
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.


Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
 
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
 
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
 
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
 
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
 
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death,
- by his parents, Truth and Trust,
- by his wife, Discretion,
- by his daughter, Responsibility,
- and by his son, Reason.
 
He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing
 
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
 
If you still remember him, pass this on.  If not, join the majority and do nothing.
 
Courtesy of  tickld

Friday, January 29, 2016

In the Running for Dumbest Criminal of 2016

It’s only 22 days into January and the “Dumbest Criminal of 2016” may have already been locked up.

 
Donte Hayes, 17, of Delaware County, Pennsylvania, was arrested after he scheduled a follow-up meeting with a woman he kidnapped, because he wanted to steal more money off her.
You read that right and here he is.
clip_image002
This guy is stupid.


 
 
On January 3, at around 3 a.m. police said Hayes entered the victim’s house through an unlocked first-floor kitchen window.

 
Hayes then awoke the woman – who is in her late 70s – by tapping her on the shoulder with his gun, police said.

 
He demanded money from the woman; when she told him she had none in her possession, Hayes forced the victim to drive her car to an ATM on State Street in Media, where he ordered her to withdraw $2,000, according to police.

 
The teen allegedly told the woman that if she did not withdraw the money, he would kill her and her husband, who was still asleep back at their house.

 
Police said when the ATM would only allow the woman to withdraw $460, Hayes drove her back to her house, where he awoke her husband and ‘herded the couple’ into the kitchen.

 
Splain said Hayes spoke to the couple for about an hour and told the woman to meet him at a shopping center on January 4th.

 
Hayes said if one of them didn’t turn up, he would return to their home and kill both of them.

 
The police said the elderly woman asked him: ‘How will I know it’s you.’

 
The teenager assured her he would be in the same outfit he was wearing when he kidnapped them.
 
 
Yep.  Stupid.  I’m just waiting for the inevitable mom story, “he was always a good boy, he didn’t hurt them…” and of course, since he’s only 17, the story about how he was thinking about which college he was going to apply to.
 
As I said, “stupid.”

Courtesy of Joe For America

Thursday, January 28, 2016

No Justice!


There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over except his 'thing.' So, he decided to do something about it.

He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his 'thing,' which he left sticking out.


Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane.  Upon seeing the 'thing' sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."


The other lady asked what she meant.


"Well," said the old lady...

"When I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I asked for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it.

When I was 60, I prayed for it.

When I was 70, I forgot about it.


Now I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat!"

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

My Bank Account!!!

This is AWESOME...something we should all remember.
 
A 92-year-old, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.
 
His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.  After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
 
 
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
 
“I love it,” he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
 
“Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait.”
 
“That doesn't have anything to do with it,” he replied.
“Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.  Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged...it's how I arrange my mind.  I already decided to love it.  It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up.  I have a choice;  I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.  Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away...just for this time in my life.  Old age is like a bank account.  You withdraw from what you've put in.  So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories!”

Thank you for your part in filling my Memory Bank.  I am still depositing.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
  1. Free your heart from hatred.
  2. Free your mind from worries.
  3. Live simply.
  4. Give more.
  5. Expect less.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

The Sicilian Cow

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.  So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. They brought the cow over from Sicily and it was absolutely wonderful.  It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

 

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

 

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.  If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.  When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.  If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

 

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"



The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. "You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"
 


The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily.”


Monday, January 25, 2016

Meeting for Coffee

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at Merlo's Coffee...


“My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.


“Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad, I can't even see my coffee.”


“Yes. I can understand, since I have macular degeneration,” answered another.


“I couldn’t even mark an “X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.


"What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you, said one elderly lady!"


"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.


“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another.


"I forget where I am and where I’m going," said another.


“I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.  The others nodded in agreement.


"Well, count your Blessings," said another cheerfully...“Thank Goodness we can all still drive.”

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Strolling Along

No one believes seniors, everyone thinks they are senile.
 
An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.  The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.  Holding hands they walked back to their old school.  It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”
 
 
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.  Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home.  There, she counted the money–fifty-thousand dollars.

Open-Money-Bag-With-Cash

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
 
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
 
 

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door.  “Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
 
Sally said, “No.”
 
Andy said, “She’s lying.  She hid it up in the attic.”
 
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
 
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. 

One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
 
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.”
 
 

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re out of here.”

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Dealing With a Squirrel Problem


To all in blogland who are in the path or even edge of Snowmageddon 2016...sending prayers and positive thoughts...



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels.  After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
 

At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.  The Deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves.  The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim; so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
 

The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures.  So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church.  Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
 

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy.  They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church.  Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
 

Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him, and they haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.


Open-mouthed smile

Friday, January 22, 2016

The Bagpiper

Another oldie for you. Winking smile

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again.  Enjoy every moment of life. 


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.  Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.  I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.  The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.  I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.  And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.  As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." 


Apparently, I'm still lost...it's a man thing.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Husbands and Wives

Here are a few oldies but goodies…hope you enjoy. Winking smile

 Grocery Shopping
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again.  Men will get it the first time.



Water in the carburetor
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is.  I'll check it out.  Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the river"


Anniversary Gift
A young man  wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary.  So he decided to buy her a mobile phone.  He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Dillard’s?"


Don’t Fight with the Wife
Husband and wife had a tiff.

Wife called up her Mum and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mum said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake.  I am coming to live with you.”



and god promised men


Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Tough Day

An attorney arrived home late one night, after a very tough day trying to get his client a stay of execution.  His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed, and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
 

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him:  'What time of night to be getting home is this?  Where have you been?  Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.  And she carried on and on in this tone.
 

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a stiff drink and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks of his wife as he dragged himself up the stairs.
 

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.  The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.  Wright would not be hanged that night.
 

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
 

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, back toward her, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.


'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
 

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
 
giggling mouse

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."  She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. 

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.  I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.  Then he told me not to do it again.


I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.  He said they love animals very much.  I do, too.  Especially chicken, pork and beef. 


The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.  I told her it was chicken.  She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office.  He laughed, and told me not to do it again. 


I don't understand.  My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.


Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.  I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the f---k I am now... Eye rolling smile

Sunday, January 17, 2016

True Story

This is a great story of a B-17 that flew in Germany in combat.

I hope you enjoy!!!     

This story is confirmed in Elmer Bendiner's book, 'The Fall of Fortresses.'

[]
*Sometimes , it's not really just luck.*


Elmer Bendiner was a navigator in a B-17 during WW II.  He tells this story of a World War II bombing run over Kassel, Germany , and the unexpected result of a direct hit on their gas tanks.

“Our B-17, the Tondelayo, was barraged by flak from Nazi antiaircraft guns. That was not unusual, but on this particular occasion our gas tanks were hit.

Later, as I reflected on the miracle of a 20 millimeter shell piercing the fuel tank without touching off an explosion, our pilot, Bohn Fawkes, told me it was not quite that simple.  On the morning following the raid, Bohn had gone down to ask our crew chief for that shell as a souvenir of unbelievable luck.


The crew chief told Bohn that not just one shell but 11 had been found in the gas tanks.  11 unexploded shells where only one was sufficient to blast us out of the sky.  It was as if the sea had been parted for us. A near-miracle, I thought.

Even after 35 years, so awesome an event leaves me shaken, especially after I heard the rest of the story from Bohn.


He was told that the shells had been sent to the armorers to be defused.  The armorers told him that Intelligence had picked them up.  They could not say why at the time, but Bohn eventually sought out the answer.  Apparently when the armorers opened each of those shells, they found no explosive charge.  They were as clean as a whistle and just as harmless.


Empty?  Not all of them!  One contained a carefully rolled piece of paper.  On it was a scrawl in Czech.  The Intelligence people scoured our base for a man who could read Czech.  Eventually they found one to decipher the note.  It set us marveling.

Translated, the note read:


‘This is all we can do for you now...
Using Jewish slave labor is never a good idea.’”


Saturday, January 16, 2016

Do NOT Insert

Snorted water out my nose and still have tears rolling from laughing so hard at this article a friend sent me.  will be interested to read your thoughts. Winking smile



18 Things You Should Never Put In Your Vagina

We have all heard a horror story of a woman being rushed to the ER with some inanimate object stuffed up her hoo-ha. Well, you may be surprised there are many things that should NEVER enter our tunnel of love.  Take notes ladies, this is a lengthy list…

girl-covering-her-private

1. Douches
Some women like to use douches to clean the vagina, but in actuality, this is totally unnecessary. It can also be dangerous because, according to Dr. Alyssa Dweck, a gynecologist and Assistant Clinical Professor at Mount Sinai School of Medicine, it can cause “a horrible imbalance of the typical bacteria that is supposed to be in the vagina and actually cause an infection.” Douching is a known culprit when it comes to pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) and bacterial vaginosis. If you’re worried about keeping your vagina clean, the best thing you can do is wash your vulva with soap and water when you take a shower, being careful not to put any soap inside your vagina. See a doctor if you think something smells off. Ultimately, your vagina is self-cleaning, so it doesn’t need your help to make it cleaner.

2. Steam
Yes, steaming your vagina at the spa is totally a trend these days, and yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like. “They sit on a specific type of spa with no underwear, on special chairs that have herbal infused steam coming out of them, and they steam their bottom,” shares Dweck. “And while any sort of warm treatment could feel good and enhance blood supply to the area, we’ve seen some burns come out of this and irritation from the types of herbs, so I would use significant caution of that. I’m not sure how effective this is to do anything anyway.”

3. Tea tree oil
“If you’re using household oil as a lubricant, you need high-grade quality oil, not what you use in your kitchen to fry food,” says Dr. Raquel Dardik, M.D., a gynecologist and Associate Professor of Gynecology at NYU Langone Medical Center. “And you want to use oil that is pH neutral, so for example, almond oil, coconut oil, olive oil, probably okay.” What you don’t want to use is tea tree oil, which can cause scary chemical burns: “it’s incredibly caustic and will cause a vaginal burn, so probably not okay.”

4. Chocolate syrup
“All that stuff has sugar which will change the bacteria and yeast proportions which can cause infections. Those substances can also be irritating to the vaginal skin, so it might seem like a good idea at the time, but you may have either vaginal irritation or a vaginal infection afterwards,” says Dardik.

5. Whipped cream
“I would not recommend putting it inside the vagina,” says Dweck. “It’s really tough to get this stuff out, especially if it’s causing a reaction. Fair enough for sexual play if you want to put this stuff on the vulva or other portions of the body and get an erotic experience—that’s fine. But I wouldn’t advise putting it inside.”

6. Vaseline
This is occasionally thought of as an easy form of lubricant, but according to Dweck, Vaseline or any other type of petroleum product can actually be source of infection in the vagina.

7. Yeast infection home remedies, like yogurt-soaked tampons
According to Dweck, “Sometimes when people have a yeast infection and they feel like [yogurt on a tampon] is a more natural way to treat it. Probably not a great idea. Bacteria and yeast love dark, moist places so I think that could be causing of infection.” If you suspect you have a yeast infection, get checked out by a doctor and if she gives her okay, treat it with Monistat, an easy over-the-counter treatment, instead of yogurt.

8. Fruits and vegetables
For starters, the old wives’ tale is a lie: vegetables cannot take root inside your vagina and grow. There are some major concerns with putting veggies in there, though, according to Dardik. “Vegetables have pesticides, so you’re putting pesticides in your vagina which I don’t really recommend, and you can have them break off and have little bits and pieces that stay there for rather unhealthy amounts of time which, again, I don’t recommend. But nothing takes root, it’ll just rot.”

9. Anything you’ve just used for butt stuff and haven’t yet cleaned
“We see ‘vaginal pH havoc,’ if you will, break out from [using a toy in the vagina that has just been used for anal play],” says Dweck. “If you want to use a toy in the anal area, first of all, remember that it has to have some sort of a retrieval device, a string or something along that line. My husband happens to be a colon and rectal surgeon, so I hear of toys getting stuck in the colon because there is nothing to remove it. If you want to switch back and forth between vaginal and anal play then I would definitely wash the toy in between, and you may want to use a condom on some of the toys as well.”

10. Any sharp objects
“The blood supply to the inside of the vagina is so rich that even the smallest cut can cause incredible amounts of bleeding and although it’s a forgiving area and typically will heal, that’s not a chance that you really want to take,” says Dweck.

11. A hair brush handle
“I can only imagine a handle getting stuck inside the vagina or some trauma being caused, so I can’t really condone that,” Dweck insists.

12. Alcohol-soaked tampons
“I’ve heard of the practice of putting alcohol on a tampon and putting it into the vagina for advanced absorption and getting a buzz off of that,” says Dweck. “I would say that sounds like it would be horribly uncomfortable and can cause damage to the vaginal mucous so I definitely wouldn’t advise that.”

13. Your cell phone
Yes, the phone vibrates, but it doesn’t belong inside you. “I mean there’s a battery in there, that could certainly be a problem,” says Dweck.

14. Pop Rocks
This can definitely traumatize your lady parts in a flash—just ask the woman who tried it and ended up on Sex Sent Me To The ER!

15. Aerosole Cans
Dweck experienced a horror story of her own when a patient came to her office after inserting a whipped cream aerosol container, complete with an attached cap, into her vagina (“because the shape of the top of it was a little bit phallic.”) Terrifyingly enough, “a couple hours later we were in the operating room removing it because it had caused so much trauma.”

16. Rhinestones
Lest we forget about vagazzling, the hottest trend of 2010 (and don’t you worry, it’s still kickin’ in 2015), Dweck is here to remind us to be careful about the placement of those nifty rhinestones, because the glue used in the process can be an irritant. “Vagazzling is probably not an issue on the outside [of the vagina] but don’t put it on the inside. Some people have sensitive tissue and they get a reaction to the glue.” Case in point: keep the rhinestones in the same place you might normally put a landing strip, and nowhere else.

17. An electric toothbrush
If that vibration of a toothbrush floats your boat, “use it clitorally rather than inside the vagina so that it’s external stimulation,” says Dweck, though as a general rule, she doesn’t really recommend you put any household items in there. That’s what vibrators are for!

18. Small animals (!!)
“This is rare, I’ve seen it once in my 24 years of practice,” says Dweck, “but probably one of the worst experiences that I ever had was someone putting a small tiny animal in their vagina as part of their sexual play, so obviously I think that’s totally out.” Enough said.
The ultra-simple solution to avoid putting household no-nos in your hoo-ha? Get yourself some quality sex toys.
Be picky when choosing a toy, and opt for a high-end product from a trustworthy company, because some sex toys could leak chemicals called phthalates, which may be harmful to your health. If a brand new toy smells strongly of chemicals (that indescribable “new plastic” smell we all recognize) when you first open it, it’s a strong indicator that it could be made with phthalates, which you should take into account when deciding whether and how you want to use it. If you plan to put the toy inside your vagina, first be sure that there are no instructions on the packaging that say “for external use only”—and if you do spot any, take them seriously.

Well, there ya have it ladies. Some of these are just plain common sense and others may be a learning lesson. Here’s to good vaginal health!
Courtesy of Living Loving

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Complaints

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach.  It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.  I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels.  We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy.  We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons.  I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water.  The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort.  Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England.  It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.'  We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish.  No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

Seriously?!!!! I do believe these nut jobs need to stay home and not inflict themselves on other countries!    Eye rolling smileConfused smile

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Apology Notes

And yet another giggle from Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years.    Hope you enjoy!  Open-mouthed smile   




Hi Sweetheart,
I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights. I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something.  I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy.  All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season.
 
Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights! 
 
I took the time to hang the lights for you today and now I will be off to the hockey rink.  Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday. 
 
I'll be home later. 
Love you…



christmas lights





Her response…
 
Hi Honey,
Thank you for that heart-felt apology.  I don't often get an apology from you, and I truly appreciate it.  I,  too, felt bad about the argument and wanted to apologize.  I realize that I can sometimes be a little pushy.  I will try to respect your feelings from now on.
 
Thank you for taking the time to hang the Christmas lights for me. It really means a lot. In the spirit of giving, I washed your truck for you and now I am off to the mall. 
 
I love you too!


wash truck

Is this what you call a match made in 'heaven'? 

Monday, January 11, 2016

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Beer

Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years is at it again.  Winking smile  Hope you enjoy!



 Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store.

ATT00001
ATT00002

I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

ATT00003
 
 
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
 
ATT00004
It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.
 
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
 
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,
“I'm a big believer in barter, old fella.
Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
  ATT00005
 
I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"What kind of beer ya got?"

Either really thinks highly of himself or truly loves his beer!  Open-mouthed smile 
What do you think?

Saturday, January 9, 2016

What Guys NEED to Know

 
Oral-Sex-and-the-Clitoris-–-What-Guys-NEED-to-Know
It may seem easy enough, especially if you are getting your cues from porn films, but there’s actually more to oral sex than just lapping away at a gal like a dog having a drink! Before you even think of groaning think about how much you’re bound to get in return if you master the art of pleasing her with your tongue. And, in case you need a reminder; blowjobs aren’t exactly a trip to Baskin Robbins, you know? They take a lot of work which is why they’re called jobs in the first place. The least you can do is learn how to go down on her right!
 
The Clitoris – The Woman’s Tiny Penis
Yup, the clitoris really is like a little tiny penis and if you take the time to really look at it—or a picture of one online—you’ll see what we mean. This tiny little pleasure bud has a hood of skin around it that acts much like a guy’s foreskin does. If you rub your penis over the foreskin it can still feel great, but pull back the skin and touch the head of the penis and you’ve got way more pleasurable sensation. The same goes for her clit and the hood.
 
Building Up for Better Oral Sex
The key to really touching her clitoris right and blowing her mind with oral sex is to gradually build up the pleasure. This isn’t just about going slow and steady but also taking the time to explore her entire clitoris properly. Start off by lighting rubbing and licking the clitoris as it is, including the area around it and as her arousal builds, which you’ll know by how wet she’s getting and how her body is responding to you. When she’s really turned on, use your fingers to gently—VERY GENTLY!—pull the skin of the hood to the sides so that her little “head” is entirely exposed. Tease it lightly with your tongue, barely touching in and using slow movements and then gradually build up your speed and pressure. Keep at it and she’ll be squealing in orgasmic ecstasy in no time!
 
Final Pointers for Giving Her Amazing Oral Sex
Now that you know how to pleasure her clit the right way, we have a few final pointers to help you give her the best oral sex ever, each and every time:
  • Your hands can work wonders when you use them to pleasure other parts during oral sex, like her inner thighs, her breasts, or even her insides by penetrating her vagina or anus while going down on her.
  • The wetter she is the better your tongue and fingers will feel against her delicate bits so use flavored lubes or even just your own saliva to keep things slippery.
  • Adding a sex toy like a small vibrator to your oral session can up the erotic factor and also give you a break when your mouth gets tired! Look for small clitoral vibrators like eggs and bullets, mini vibrators, or finger vibrators like the Trojan vibrators.
Bon Appétit!

Courtesy of LustSexLove

Hope y'all enjoy!
 

Friday, January 8, 2016

Full Body Scans At Airports



CATSA has released the following Airport Screening Results:


Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA: 
As of December 2014
Terrorists Discovered        0
Transvestites     133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes        3

 
It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.
 

Thought you'd like to know.


Thursday, January 7, 2016

A good Ole Joke

A road crew supervisor hired Ole to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the Minnesota road.  The supervisor was skeptical about hiring Ole, but he appeared enthusiastic and told the supervisor that he really needed the job.   At least his wife Lena told him so.
 

The supervisor explained to Ole that his work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on the road, and  he was set up with brushes and paint and got him started.
 

After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that Ole did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift.  He told him that he did an excellent job and how pleased he was with him.
 

On the second day, Ole completed painting 2 miles of road.  His supervisor was surprised that on the first day, he had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required.  He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that he would pick up his speed again.
 

On day 3, the supervisor was shocked to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Ole only completed painting 1 mile of road.  He was called into the supervisor's office and asked what was the problem.
 

"On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road.  Can I ask you, what is the problem?"
 

"Vell, Ole replied, "I'll tell you vhat, but I tought you vould know…
 

 

 

 
Every day I vas getting farder and farder avay from da paint can."

Winking smile

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Out to Dinner

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.
 
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.
 
When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn’t want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
 
 
Because I didn’t want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.  A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away:
“Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked!  I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard…she had better not poop in the vegetable garden again.”
 
The silence in the taxi was deafening.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Advice from Fairy Godmother

Great advice, whoever is giving it but would love to have her as my fairy godmother! Open-mouthed smile

fairy godmother