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Monday, January 22, 2018
A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!” My stupid new computer keeps saying, “You’ve Got Mail.”
Sunday, January 21, 2018
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?”
“Just take two,” Brenda replied.
“The rest are for your father.”
Saturday, January 20, 2018
Friday, January 19, 2018
Thursday, January 18, 2018
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth.
Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, unfortunately she just walked in."
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
Monday, January 15, 2018
Sunday, January 14, 2018
“What are you doing? Why is their a baby mouse up your sleeve and where did you find him? Please stop feeding him your pop tart.” ~Leslie H.
“Why did you glue your sandwich to your desk?” ~Wendy B
“This is not a beauty parlor. Quit playing with each other’s hair.” ~Suzette S.
“Unless there is someone teaching you how to read under that table, you need to come out and join us on the carpet.” ~Traci T.
“Stop licking your desk.” ~Elizabeth A.
“Stop kissing the elevator button and fire alarm.” ~Marci J.
“Please don’t staple the tape!” ~Amy M.
“Why are you rubbing a glue stick on your shoes?” ~Allison F.
“Whose hair is this?” ~Araceliy S.
Saturday, January 13, 2018
Friday, January 12, 2018
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Wednesday, January 10, 2018
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Sometimes being retired is not very exciting...
However, you can make things more interesting on garbage day!
Then watch through the window!
Might just have to try this one…
Monday, January 8, 2018
Sunday, January 7, 2018
Saturday, January 6, 2018
Friday, January 5, 2018
Thursday, January 4, 2018
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope,
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran..
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication