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Wednesday, January 31, 2018
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
The first time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the end part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them.)
Monday, January 29, 2018
Sunday, January 28, 2018
Saturday, January 27, 2018
It seems that fate strongly approved of the way Madam Calment lived her life.
Jeanne was born in Arles, France, on 21st February 1875.
When the Eiffel Tower was built, she was 14 year old.
It was at this time that she met Vincent van Gogh.
"He was dirty, badly dressed and disagreeable," she recalled in an interview given in 1988.
When she was 85, she took up fencing, and she was still riding on her bike when she reached 100.
When Jeanne was 114, she starred in a film about her life; at 115 she had an operation on her hip, and at 117 she gave up smoking (having started at the age of 21 in 1896). Apparently, she didn't give it up for health reasons, but because she didn't like having to ask someone to help her light a cigarette once she was becoming almost blind.
In 1965, Jeanne was 90 years old and had no heirs.
She signed a deal to sell her apartment to a 47-year-old lawyer called André-François Raffray.
He agreed to pay her a monthly sum of 2,500 francs on the condition that he would inherit her apartment after she died.
However, Raffray not only ended up paying Jeanne for 30 years but died before she did at the age of 77.
His widow was legally obliged to continue paying Madam Calment until the end of her days.
Jeanne retained sharp mental faculties.
When she was asked on her 120th birthday what kind of future she expected to have, she replied: "A very short one."
Quotes and rules of life from Jeanne Calment:
"Being young is a state of mind, it doesn't depend on one's body, I'm actually still a young girl; it's just that I haven't looked so good for the past 70 years."
"I've only got one wrinkle, and I'm sitting on it."
"All babies are beautiful."
"I've been forgotten by our good lord."
"I'm in love with wine."
"Always keep your smile. That's how I explain my long life."
"If you can't change something, don't worry about it."
"I have a huge desire to live and a big appetite, especially for sweets."
"I never wear mascara; I laugh until I cry too often."
"I see badly, I hear badly, and I feel bad, but everything's fine."
"I think I will die of laughter."
"I have legs of iron, but to tell you the truth, they're starting to rust and buckle a bit."
"I took pleasure when I could. I acted clearly and morally and without regret. I'm very lucky."
(At the end of one interview, in response to a journalist who said he hoped they would meet again the following year):
"Why not? You're not that old; you'll still be here."
Friday, January 26, 2018
The conversation went something like this:
Me: 'Was it a teacher, or someone else at the school?'
Me: 'Ah, it was a fellow student then?'
Me: 'So it was someone else in school...did it happen on the school campus?'
Me: 'During school hours?'
Me: 'So you're saying your child heard someone swearing outside of school grounds and outside of school hours and that person had no connection to the school?'
Parent: 'Yes, I want to know what you're going to do about it!'"
Thursday, January 25, 2018
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Really? Ya' think?
Now that's taking things a bit far!
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
See if that works better than a fair trial!
I can see where it might have that effect!
Who would have thought!
They may be on to something!
He probably IS the battery charge!
Weren't they fat enough?!
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Do they taste like chicken?
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Boy, are they tall!
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
It doesn’t have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, “Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”
The parrot says, “I was born this way. I”m a defective parrot.”
“Holy crap,” the guy replies. “You actually understood and answered me!”
“I got every word,” says the parrot. ”I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird”
“Oh yeah?” the guy asks. “Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?”
“Well,” the parrot says, “this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can”t see it, because of my feathers.”
“Wow,” says the guy. “You really can understand, and can speak English, can’t you.”
“Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I’d be a great companion.”
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. “Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.”
“Pssst,” says the parrot, “I”m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!”
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, “Psssssssssssst,” and motions him over with one wing.
“I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife, and the UPS man.”
“What are you talking about?” asks the guy.
“When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.”
“WHAT???” the guy asks incredulously.
“THEN what happened?”
“Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,” reported the parrot.
“NO!” he exclaims, “And she let him?”
“Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.”
Then the frantic guy demands, “THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?”
DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!”
Monday, January 22, 2018
A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!” My stupid new computer keeps saying, “You’ve Got Mail.”
Sunday, January 21, 2018
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?”
“Just take two,” Brenda replied.
“The rest are for your father.”
Saturday, January 20, 2018
Friday, January 19, 2018
Thursday, January 18, 2018
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth.
Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, unfortunately she just walked in."
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
Monday, January 15, 2018
Sunday, January 14, 2018
“What are you doing? Why is their a baby mouse up your sleeve and where did you find him? Please stop feeding him your pop tart.” ~Leslie H.
“Why did you glue your sandwich to your desk?” ~Wendy B
“This is not a beauty parlor. Quit playing with each other’s hair.” ~Suzette S.
“Unless there is someone teaching you how to read under that table, you need to come out and join us on the carpet.” ~Traci T.
“Stop licking your desk.” ~Elizabeth A.
“Stop kissing the elevator button and fire alarm.” ~Marci J.
“Please don’t staple the tape!” ~Amy M.
“Why are you rubbing a glue stick on your shoes?” ~Allison F.
“Whose hair is this?” ~Araceliy S.
Saturday, January 13, 2018
Friday, January 12, 2018
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Wednesday, January 10, 2018
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Sometimes being retired is not very exciting...
However, you can make things more interesting on garbage day!
Then watch through the window!
Might just have to try this one…
Monday, January 8, 2018
Sunday, January 7, 2018
Saturday, January 6, 2018
Friday, January 5, 2018
Thursday, January 4, 2018
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope,
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran..
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication