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Sunday, December 31, 2017
Saturday, December 30, 2017
Friday, December 29, 2017
Dave and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Darwin, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”
Pete says, “Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?”
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Pete.
Pete says, Hey, how do you feel this morning?”
Dave says, “I feel great, how about you?”
Pete says, “I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?”
Dave says, “No that jet fuel is great stuff…no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”
Pete says, “Yeah, well there's just one thing.”
Dave says, “What's that?”
Pete says, “Have you farted yet?”
Dave says, “No.”
Pete says, “Well, DON’T…'cause I'm in New Zealand!”
I do believe I’ll pass on drinking jet fuel. 🙄
Thursday, December 28, 2017
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I should mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends... it will be their laugh for the day.
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Monday, December 25, 2017
Sunday, December 24, 2017
Saturday, December 23, 2017
Thursday, December 21, 2017
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Norwegian started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Norwegian replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins...
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
Monday, December 18, 2017
Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales.
Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."
Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing! I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."
Old Red River Bill, the cowboy from Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.
Sunday, December 17, 2017
Saturday, December 16, 2017
When God created woman he was working late on the 6th day…
An angel came by and asked." Why spend so much time on her?"
The lord answered. "Have you seen all the specifications I have to meet to shape her?"
She must function on all kinds of situations,
She must be able to embrace several kids at the same time,
Have a hug that can heal anything from a bruised knee to a broken heart,
She must do all this with only two hands,"She cures herself when sick and can work 18 hours a day"
THE ANGEL was impressed "Just two hands.....impossible!
And this is the standard model?"
The Angel came closer and touched the woman
"But you have made her so soft, Lord".
"She is soft", said the Lord,
"But I have made her strong. You can't imagine what she can endure and overcome."
"Can she think?" The Angel asked...
The Lord answered. "Not only can she think, she can reason and negotiate."
The Angel touched her cheeks…
"Lord, it seems this creation is leaking! You have put too many burdens on her"
"She is not leaking...it is a tear" The Lord corrected the Angel.
"What's it for?" Asked the Angel.
The Lord said. "Tears are her way of expressing her grief, her doubts, her love, her loneliness, her suffering and her pride."...
This made a big impression on the Angel,
"Lord, you are a genius. You thought of everything.
A woman is indeed marvelous"
Lord said."Indeed she is.
She has strength that amazes a man.
She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens.
She holds happiness, love and opinions.
She smiles when she feels like screaming.
She sings when she feels like crying, cries when happy and laughs when afraid.
She fights for what she believes in.
Her love is unconditional.
Her heart is broken when a next-of-kin or a friend dies but she finds strength to get on with life"
The Angel asked: "So she is a perfect being?"
The lord replied: "No. She has just one drawback
She often forgets what she is worth."
Friday, December 15, 2017
Thought you all might get a kick out of this.(Whether it's true or not!)
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.... .....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Thursday, December 14, 2017
Sam was in the beer business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 10 acres of land in Idaho, as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and there is a big, bearded and burly mountain man standing there. "Name's Enoch...Your neighbor from two miles over the ridge...Having a Christmas party Saturday at 7...Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some of the local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops and says, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem. After 25 years in the beer business I can drink with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops and says, "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn", Sam thinks, "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door and says, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem." says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops at the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
Tuesday, December 12, 2017
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered.
“On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground and yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'”
St. Peter was very impressed, “When did this happen?”
“Just a few minutes ago!”
Monday, December 11, 2017
Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die?
His last battle
Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom of the page
Q3.. River flows in which state?
Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce?
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch & dinner
Q7.. What looks like half an apple?
The other half
Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?
Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
You will never find an elephant that has one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
Sunday, December 10, 2017
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all on his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it,allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,
'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt, she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered....'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming,... that was me.
Saturday, December 9, 2017
I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time at work.
Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.
I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.
I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out 28.49 for one small bag of groceries.
I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank. "Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.
I'm not sure what our loved ones who have suddenly passed on would’ve done had they known that they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, or for whatever their favorite food was.
I'm guessing; I'll never know. It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my wife/husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them.
I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.
If you received this, it is because someone cares for you. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it takes right now to forward this, would it be the first time you didn't do the little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? I can tell you it certainly won't be the last. Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about, just to let them know that you're thinking of them.
People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there."
Friday, December 8, 2017
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the lawn, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!'
By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?
Again, they all answered 'NO!'.
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD..."
It's a curious race, the Irish.
Thursday, December 7, 2017
To the first mother, he said: "Mary, You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter: Candy."
He turned to the second Mum: "Ann, Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names of Penny, Goldie and Frank.
He turned to the third Mum, "Joyce: Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: of Brandy and Sherry. You have even called your cat: Whisky."
He then turned to the fourth Mum: "June: Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne, and Poppy."
At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up from her seat, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about, grab Fanny and Willy, we're leaving..."
Wednesday, December 6, 2017
Yield Makes about 2 dozen
- 1 cup firmly packed dark brown sugar
- 1/2 cup butter, softened
- 1 large egg
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1 cup flour
- 1 cup chopped pecans
- Preheat oven to 350°
- In a large bowl, whip the butter and brown sugar together until light and fluffy
- Blend in egg
- Add the vanilla extract and beat well
- Mix in flour
- Drop by tablespoon onto parchment lined cookie sheet
- Bake for 13 to 15 minutes
- Cool on baking sheet for 1 minute; then remove cookies to wire racks to cool completely.
- To soften the butter:
- Sit at room temperature for a few hours
- Place in microwave for 10 to 20 seconds (DO NOT MELT)
- Shred cold stick with cheese shredder
Participating Blogs...be sure to go visit for some awesome recipes!
Just remember, the 7th of December lasts a whole 24 hours…and goes across international date lines! So if there's nothing posted when you first visit, don't grumble., just try visiting later.
Tuesday, December 5, 2017
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally retirees' behaviour that was going on...
So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.
When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% of retirees are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time.
When angel returned, she went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% of retirees are misbehaving, but 5% are being good...'
God was not pleased.
So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
Monday, December 4, 2017
Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.
He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks.
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'
Saturday, December 2, 2017
Don't postpone your enjoyment of life until after some grand achievement.
Strive for that grand achievement, to be sure.
And take pleasure in all the joys along the way.
Every day presents you with countless opportunities to experience happiness.
There is joy available in each moment, if you really want to find it.
Consider how very much more likely you are to persevere, and to reach that grand achievement, if the path to it is filled with delight.
Find enjoyment in the small things, and even in the striving.
It will keep you going.
Relish the journey, and it will help you reach the destination.