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Sunday, October 11, 2015
New Office Policies
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement of proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Entirely too much time is spent on the toilet. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the 3 minutes an alarm will sound. The toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken and will be posted on the company bulletin board.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, contemplations, consternations, and input should be directed elsewhere.