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Sunday, October 11, 2015

New Office Policies

Dress Code:
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.  If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.  If you dress just right you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
 
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement of proof of sickness.  If you are able to go to the doctor you are able to come to work.
 
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.  They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
 
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work.  There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.  Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the funeral arrangements.  In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.  We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
 
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is spent on the toilet.  There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls.  At the end of the 3 minutes an alarm will sound.  The toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken and will be posted on the company bulletin board.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.  We are here to provide a positive employment experience.  Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, contemplations, consternations, and input should be directed elsewhere.

10 comments:

  1. Hi Cat,
    Some of this can be a little too true to be funny. Raise? Don't know if that's in the vocabulary any longer. Thanks for all the good advice, though.

    Hugs,
    Ella

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree Ella...have worked at several companies where some of the above policies could possibly be actual policies. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. I totally agree Minelle! We definitely need to find you a new job!

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete
  3. LoL Cat, some of this sounds familiar!

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think we have all worked at companies where these could actually be policies. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete
  4. Crikey Cat, I would give up work if I had to go there!
    love Jan,xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL Jan...I've worked at a couple places where the policies have been close. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete
  5. LoL, maybe this is a one-man company. After finishing school I have worked in a place that sounds like this, but only for a short while. It was good to get that experience, but the rest was not good.

    hugs

    Nina

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy you didn't have to work there very long Nina...those type of companies are not pleasant are they.

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete

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