They Walk Among Us

Our own Meredith from New Twist, After All These Years sent these to me.  Hope you enjoy them as much as I did!  
 

IDIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00.

I said "May I have large bills, please."

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir; all the bills are the same size."

When I got up off the floor I explained it to her...


IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. 

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!’

His reply: 'I know.  I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MN
 

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.

The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’  I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not.  Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair service since.


IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, ‘You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

-- >From Kansas City


IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ 

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ 

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. 

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS


IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun.  We should do this more often.’ 

Not another word was spoken.  We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?   "Le-a"

Leah?? 
NO         

Lee - A?? 
NOPE          

Lay - a?? 
NO     

Lei?? 
Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.  

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. 

It's pronounced "Ledasha".  

When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this,please remember to pronounce the dash.

If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.


STAY ALERT
They walk among us...and they VOTE and REPRODUCE!!

Thanks Mere…these were great!


Sending lots of prayers and positive energy for those of you in the US upper Midwest and Northeast who are forecast for more snow.  Hope you and yours stay safe and warm!

Husbands and Wives

Special Package for Businessmen
An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.
Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"
 
New SIM to Surprise Her Husband
Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
"Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone:
"Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.
 
Cool Message by a Wife
Dear Mother-in-law,
"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement."
 
Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture
Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.
All the knives were missing the target!
Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."
 
Habit of Talking in Sleep
A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?
Dr : Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.
 
Natural Disasters Just Happen
Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate,  hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.
Natural disasters just happen.

Your Husband Needs Rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!

Golfing

ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT A PUBLIC GOLF COURSE

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   What are your green fees?
Staff:     38 dollars.
Caller:    Does that include golf?


Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:    Yes, I need to get some information from you.  First, is this your correct phone number?


Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What's the weather going to be like that day?


Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm  running late.  Can you still get me out early?


Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Yes, do you have one of those areas where you  can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit  them for  practice?
Staff:     You mean a driving range?
Caller:   No, that's not it.


Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between  12 o'clock and noon.
Staff:     Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller:   Yes.
Staff:     We'll try to squeeze you in.


Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff:     Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller:   What's the next time after that?
Staff:     We have one at 10:22.
Caller:   We'll take that one.  It will be a bit warmer.


Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   How much to play golf today?
Staff:     25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller:   38 dollars?
Staff:     No, 38 yen.


Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff:     What time would you like?
Caller:   What times do you have?
Staff:     What time of the day?
Caller:   Any time.
Staff:     Morning or afternoon?
Caller:   Whenever.
Staff:     We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller:   No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.


Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Do you have a dress code?
Staff:     Yes, we do.  We require soft spikes.
Caller:   How about clothes?
Staff:     Yes, you have to wear clothes.


Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff:     Yes.
Caller:   How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff:     Sorry, we're all out of large balls.   But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same  price.


Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff:     Sure, what time would you like?
Caller:   Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock.  In the morning, if possible.


Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff:     Yes, they're 25 dollars.
Caller:   How much to rent a bag?


Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole.  How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?


Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff:     Yes.
Caller:   How much for a large bucket?
Staff:     Four dollars.
Caller:   Does that include the balls?


Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff:     Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
Caller:   And what time does that start?


Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Yes, I'd like some info about your golf  course.
Staff:     OK, what would you like to know?
Caller:   I don't know, that's why I called.


Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and  said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?
 

********************************************************************************

Three ladies are playing the 4th hole at the golf course in Hampton, New Brunswick when a naked man wearing a bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.


The 3 ladies look and are in shock at the size of his manhood.
 

The first lady says, "Well he definitely is not my husband."
 

The second lady looks at his manhood and says, "He for sure is not my husband." 
 
 
The third lady takes a good long look and says.  " He's not even a member of this club". And just how would she know!?!

Bigger Breasts

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.  'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
 
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
 
'How long will this take?' I asked.
 
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
 
I stopped.  'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
 
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it ?'
 
 
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Diary of a Snow Shoveler…

Dedicated to those of our blogland family in the Northeast US…sending prayers and positive energy that all y’all stay safe and warm!

December 8: 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
 
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. I shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
 
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
 
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
 
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. I bought snow tires for the wife’s car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.
 
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
 
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.
 
December 20
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.
 
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt ’til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
 
December 23
Only 2″ of snow today, and it warmed up to “0”. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.
 
December 24
6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.
 
December 25
Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.
 
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.
 
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
 
December 28
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
 
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
 
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.
 
December 31
I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.
 
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Courtesy of Sun Gazing

Would You Marry Again?

Another great joke from our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Star Song... 
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question...
 
WIFE "What would you do if I died?  Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND "Definitely not!"
 
WIFE "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND "Of course I do."
 
WIFE "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
 
WIFE "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND (makes audible groan)
 
WIFE "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND "Sure, it's a great house."
 
WIFE "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND "Where else would we sleep?"
 
WIFE "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND "Probably, it is almost new."
 
WIFE "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
 
WIFE "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
 
WIFE "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND "Yes, those are always good times."
 
WIFE "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND "No, she's left-handed."


WIFE (silence) 
I do believe I hear birds chirping!
 

HUSBAND "shit."   
Bit of an understatement don’t ya think?

Helpful?

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window.

Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.


When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car.
He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

 

Good Morning

This is a story about a husband and wife who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting very loudly every morning when he woke up.
 
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
 
Every single morning she would plead with her husband to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. 

He told her he couldn’t stop and that it was perfectly natural. 

She told him to see a doctor.  She was worried that one day he would blow his guts out.
 
As the years went by and he continued to let them rip them! 
 
 
Then one morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.


Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a horrifying scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
 
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
 

About twenty minutes later, he came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.


“What do you mean?” asked his wife.
 

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.  But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.” 
 

Courtesy of Sun Gazing

Ramblings of a Retired Mind...

 

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses.  A young lady walks over to me and asks, "what brings you in today?"   I looked at her, and said, “I'm interested in buying a refrigerator.”  She didn't quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?

 

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.  I can't afford one.  So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

 

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call "blue teeth", I think.

 

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

 

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

 

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

 

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

 

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease.  That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

 

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?'  Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

 

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'An ambulance.'

 

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

 

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

 

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

 

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

 

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

 

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me.  I want people to know 'why' I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

 

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

 

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

New Cars?

Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.
 
They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter.
 

“OK, you,” he says, pointing to Vito, “How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don’t lie, I’m St. Peter you know. “
 
Vito hangs his head and replies, “Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week.”

St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye.”
 


He looks at Eddie and asks, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”

Eddie replies, “I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times.”

St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye.”
 


He then looks at Jacob and asks, “And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”

Jacob lifts his head high and replies, “I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!”

St. Peter replies, “Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible, goodbye!”
 


A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.
 

Vito asks, “Hey! Whatsa matter with you?  We should be crying!  We’re stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!”
 
 
Jacob, between sobs replies, “I just saw my wife on a skateboard!”

Oops!

Being Green...

Received the following in an email…
 
********************
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."


She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.


Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were truly recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.


Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.


We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.


Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.


Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.


We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.


Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-ass young person.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

Happy Dance!

Hey everyone…please join me in congratulating and doing a happy dance for TL and Bucko…their little Buckaroo has arrived.  Momma and baby are both doing great.

My baby…look but don’t touch!

Here’s a hint for Bucko.   

Missing Wife

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.


Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.


Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.


Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.


Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.


Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. 

At this point the husband started choking up.


Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

Old Couple in Heaven

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.


One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.


He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’


The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’


The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled the old man.

‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’


Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’


The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.


‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked.

That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’


The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’

‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.


‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’

‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’


The old man glared at his wife and said,

‘You and your damn Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!’

The Divorce

For our Minelle since she was not amused by yesterday’s giggle…even though I considered it more a joke about a dumb man rather than a blonde joke.

 
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

 
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
 

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

 
The judge said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

 
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

 
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
 
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”
 
Ya think?!? 

 Courtesy of  Sun Gazing

Okay Minelle...is this better?   

 

Biker Bar

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.


After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”


The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.



In a very deep, husky voice, a woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No … not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Oops!    

The Gala!

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "just serious by nature."


The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."


The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."


The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."


She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"


The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."

Sure do love military time. 

The Pearly Gates

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.


Next in line is a preacher.

St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

 
The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"

 
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

He does have a good point!   

Things Teachers Have Said

 
1. “Do not disturb reading group unless you’re bleeding, you’re vomiting, or you’re on fire!” ~Terri O.
 
2. “Please don’t bring me presents from the toilet.” ~Jenn M.
 
3. “Stop eating your shoe.” ~Arlene Y.
 
4. “Go back and pick up your hair.” ~Kathie B.
 
5. “You did a great job putting on your belt. Now go back in the bathroom and turn your pants around.” ~Sara S.
 
6. “Quit stuffing mulch down your pants!” ~ Becky K.
 
7. “I don’t care that you are having fun, you are not allowed to poke people with pencils.” ~Kris W.
 
8. “We don’t pee on our friends.” ~Sara M.
 
9. “Put the fake boob on my desk and leave it alone.” ~Tracy B.
 
10. “Just because your finger fits in your nose doesn’t mean you should put it there.” ~Erin M.
 

Courtesy of Laugh in the face of EVERYTHING

Even though these were sent to me as things teachers have said, I know I have also said some of these as a parent!   

Scots vs. English

This is an old joke that I posted several years ago but am reposting in honor of the fact that Monday the 12th of January is our Minelle's Scotsman’s birthday. 

Happy Birthday Scotsman…hope you find the time to give Minelle your birthday spanking…one for every year plus!     Wishing you a wonderful year!
 


In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day.

Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a Scottish accent, came from within the dense fog.  "Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen".  With this, the English general sent down 10 of his soldiers.  There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned.

An hour later, the same voice was heard.  "Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishman".  With this the English general sent down 50 of his soldiers.  The same thing, a terrible fight ensued and again NO ONE returned.

An hour later the same voice.  "Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishman".  Down went 100 of the best.  NO ONE returned.

An hour later.  "Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman".  By this time, the English general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill.  He was battered to a pulp.  As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERE'S TWO OF THE BASTARDS."

Guess that answers that question! LOL

 
Have a great week!

What Goes Around Comes Around plus Request

Hey everyone…you might remember that our Ami and her husband Dan went through a bit of a rough time last year when he was fighting cancer.  Her has to go back for an MRI this coming Monday so if you could shoot a few prayers, positive thoughts, and/or healing energy his way, it would be much appreciated.

Please remember to keep sending prayers, positive thoughts, and/or healing energy to our Queenie and her fight.

Our sweet Katie is still away from home helping her mother to recover from her accident and her father in his challenges.  Please keep sending prayers, positive thoughts, and/or healing energy to help her in her challenges.
 

The Chain of Love by Clay Walker (Short Story )
-------------------------------------
One day a man saw an old lady, stranded on the side of the road, but even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed ...help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her.
 
Even with the smile on his face, she was worried.  No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so.  Was he going to hurt her?  He didn’t look safe; he looked poor and hungry. 
He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold.  He knew how she felt.  It was those chills which only fear can put in you. He said, “I’m here to help you, ma’am.  Why don’t you wait in the car where it’s warm?  By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson.”
 
Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough.  Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two.  Soon he was able to change the tire.  But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt.
 
As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him.  She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through.  She couldn’t thank him enough for coming to her aid.
 
Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk.  The lady asked how much she owed him.  Any amount would have been all right with her.  She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped.
 
Bryan never thought twice about being paid.  This was not a job to him.  This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty, who had given him a hand in the past.  He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way.
 
He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance they needed, and Bryan added, “And think of me.”
 
He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight.
 
A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe.  She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home.  It was a dingy looking restaurant.  Outside were two old gas pumps.  The whole scene was unfamiliar to her.
 
The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair.  She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn’t erase.  The lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude.  The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger.  Then she remembered Bryan.
 
After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a hundred dollar bill.  The waitress quickly went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, but the old lady had slipped right out the door.  She was gone by the time the waitress came back.  The waitress wondered where the lady could be.  Then she noticed something written on the napkin.
 
There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote: “You don’t owe me anything.  I have been there too.  Somebody once helped me out, the way I’m helping you.  If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do:  Do not let this chain of love end with you.”
 
Under the napkin were four more $100 bills.
 
Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written.  How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed it?  With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard…
 
She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, “Everything’s going to be all right. I love you, Bryan Anderson.”
 
There is an old saying “What goes around comes around.”
 

Courtesy of Illuzone

Restroom Chat

 
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: “Hi, how are you?”

 
I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restroom, but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, ‘I’m doing just fine.”

 
And the other guy says: “So, what are you up to?”

 
What kind of question is that?

 
At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: “Uhhh, I’m just traveling for work.”

 
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.  “Can I come over?”

 
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

 
I tell him, “No… I’m a little busy right now!”


 
Then I hear the guy say nervously…
“Listen, I’ll have to call you back. Some guy is in the other stall answering all my questions.”

Little Old Lady

Here’s another oldie but goody…

Never underestimate an old lady!

Girls Night Out

 

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.

 

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

 

 

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

 

 

 

 

Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

 

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop.  My wife came home last night without her panties.”

 

“That's nothing,” said the other.  “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'”

Medical Giggles

Courtesy of Viral Videos Gallery

Here's a cute video of funny Medical Chart bloopers you might also enjoy. 

 

If you can’t get the video to play, here's the YouTube link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzof5pnpcgE

 

Secret of the Red-Haired Baby

 
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

 
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!"
 
"Nonsense," the doctor said…
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

 
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

 
“Well, said the doctor, “let me ask you this. How often do you make love to your wife???”


The man seemed a bit ashamed...
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

 
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently...

“It's Rust!”

Little Johnny at it Again!

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

 
Little Johnny says "I want to be a billionaire,    going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me,    give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks,    an apartment in Hawaii,   a mansion in Paris,    a jet to travel through Europe,    an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her    three times a day".
 

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
 

"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

 
Susie says "I want to be Johnny's bitch." 

Worried!

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
 
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
 
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
 
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
 
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
 
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
 
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
 
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
 
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
 
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
 
He looked at her bewildered and asked: “What happened here today?’”
 
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”
 
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
 
She answered, ‘”Well, today I didn’t do it.”

Courtesy of Sun Gazing

Team Dinner

A man joins a football team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex."
 
The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.
 
When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.
 
The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?"
 
His mate said smiling, "Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!."

The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

Oops!