Laughing lowers stress hormones and strengthens the immune system by releasing health-enhancing hormones!
Courtesy of Laugh in the face of EVERYTHING
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Update on Mom
Had a long talk with our doctor about Mom. She told me that the doctor had told her the gout had crystallized in her joints and caused arthritis…nope, he didn’t say that. Then she told me that the doctor told her she had broken vertebrae…nope, he didn’t say that. Later in the conversation, she told me it wasn’t the doctor but one of the nurses who told her she had cracked vertebrae right before she left the hospital…nope again! Never said anything like that and there is nothing like that in her records!
Bottom line? The doctor told her the pain she’s experiencing in her neck and shoulders (that originally had her calling for an ambulance) was probably due to her favoring one side of her body as she was walking and sleeping, while trying to protect her gouty toe. So she had a stiff neck…she focused on the pain which caused it to feel worse which caused her to focus on the pain…vicious circle…the more she focused on the pain and felt there was something more wrong, the worse she felt. After she coded, she was laying in bed and of course, not working on those muscles so they continued to be knotted.
Mom is still insisting something is wrong and wanting to know why she is in so much pain. *sigh*
The doctor thinks she can’t tolerate the idea that all of the suffering she’s gone through might be due to nothing more than a very bad stiff neck.
Now, in rehab, she is focusing on her pain pills…claims that she calls for a pain pill when it’s due and they keep her waiting for 1 to 1 ½ hours so her pain always gets ahead of her and that even when she gets the pills on time, that the pain is just knocked down to tolerable but not knocked out. And because she can’t get the pain knocked out, she can’t work harder in therapy…doesn’t understand why they don’t just give her the pain pills every 4 hours as they are supposed to! *humpf*
I tried to tell her that the pain pills are only to be given when she is in pain and can be given 4 hours after the last pill but they are not to be automatically given every 4 hours. She informs me I am wrong, the doctor said they were to be given every 4 hours since she is in so much pain.
Yesterday, after I spent quite a bit of the day paying her bills, checking on her apartment, picking up things for her and running her errands, she got very angry at me because I had not started her car and let it run while I was at her apartment. She keeps fussing about how she’s going to drive and is her car even going to start! I told her not to worry about the darn car…until she can get herself in/out of bed, dressed and walk to the bathroom, she isn’t going anywhere. I know, I shouldn’t have but lord love a duck, I had just had all I could handle…she got so angry at me…told me she had to rest and I needed to leave...refused to speak with me or even say goodbye.
Didn’t call me all day today when normally she phones at least 3-4 times but finally called this evening…informed me that she forgave me for being unreasonable yesterday and that after I finish meeting with the rehab therapists tomorrow evening for the evaluation of my arm/shoulder (either torn muscles or rotator cup), I can go to her apartment and let her car run for at least 15 minutes…preferably 30. *sigh* My youngest son said to tell her I did it…once she gets out of rehab, if her car doesn’t start, we can call AAA to jump it. Think he has the right idea! LOL
As far as my stomach issues and fatigue, the doctor thinks that's me not taking enough ‘me’ time and stressing myself which I have been doing even prior to the problems with Mom.
Doc has told me to breathe, try to stay calm and take time for myself but it’s hard when mom’s calling every day and wanting this and that. If I don’t answer, she will leave a message and if I haven’t returned her call within 10 minutes, she either calls my cell phone or calls my youngest son and asks him to text me to make sure I’m ok. Doesn’t matter that I could be on the phone with work or a friend! *sigh*
I know, lots of sighing going on around here.
Added to all this is a huge project at work which, thanks to the developers, is behind by two weeks…so our testing time is being cut down in order to make up time…testing is not cut back…just testing time!
A HUGE THANK YOU to all you lovely people who have emailed, texted, phoned and left uplifting comments. The many prayers, positive and healing energy, and good wishes are so very much appreciated. I promise to try and get everyone answered this week!
I have been able to read some of your blog posts and really enjoyed them…just haven’t had time for commenting. Of course, if you want my *cough* “wise” *snort* comment on something you have written, just email me with which post it is, I will try to get over at leave words of wisdom. ROFLMBO
BTW...one of these days, I will get caught on up replying to the comments here...of course, at the rate I'm going, it could be next year. LOL
Huge HUGS and Blessings to all of you!
Bottom line? The doctor told her the pain she’s experiencing in her neck and shoulders (that originally had her calling for an ambulance) was probably due to her favoring one side of her body as she was walking and sleeping, while trying to protect her gouty toe. So she had a stiff neck…she focused on the pain which caused it to feel worse which caused her to focus on the pain…vicious circle…the more she focused on the pain and felt there was something more wrong, the worse she felt. After she coded, she was laying in bed and of course, not working on those muscles so they continued to be knotted.
Mom is still insisting something is wrong and wanting to know why she is in so much pain. *sigh*
The doctor thinks she can’t tolerate the idea that all of the suffering she’s gone through might be due to nothing more than a very bad stiff neck.
Now, in rehab, she is focusing on her pain pills…claims that she calls for a pain pill when it’s due and they keep her waiting for 1 to 1 ½ hours so her pain always gets ahead of her and that even when she gets the pills on time, that the pain is just knocked down to tolerable but not knocked out. And because she can’t get the pain knocked out, she can’t work harder in therapy…doesn’t understand why they don’t just give her the pain pills every 4 hours as they are supposed to! *humpf*
I tried to tell her that the pain pills are only to be given when she is in pain and can be given 4 hours after the last pill but they are not to be automatically given every 4 hours. She informs me I am wrong, the doctor said they were to be given every 4 hours since she is in so much pain.
Yesterday, after I spent quite a bit of the day paying her bills, checking on her apartment, picking up things for her and running her errands, she got very angry at me because I had not started her car and let it run while I was at her apartment. She keeps fussing about how she’s going to drive and is her car even going to start! I told her not to worry about the darn car…until she can get herself in/out of bed, dressed and walk to the bathroom, she isn’t going anywhere. I know, I shouldn’t have but lord love a duck, I had just had all I could handle…she got so angry at me…told me she had to rest and I needed to leave...refused to speak with me or even say goodbye.
Didn’t call me all day today when normally she phones at least 3-4 times but finally called this evening…informed me that she forgave me for being unreasonable yesterday and that after I finish meeting with the rehab therapists tomorrow evening for the evaluation of my arm/shoulder (either torn muscles or rotator cup), I can go to her apartment and let her car run for at least 15 minutes…preferably 30. *sigh* My youngest son said to tell her I did it…once she gets out of rehab, if her car doesn’t start, we can call AAA to jump it. Think he has the right idea! LOL
As far as my stomach issues and fatigue, the doctor thinks that's me not taking enough ‘me’ time and stressing myself which I have been doing even prior to the problems with Mom.
Doc has told me to breathe, try to stay calm and take time for myself but it’s hard when mom’s calling every day and wanting this and that. If I don’t answer, she will leave a message and if I haven’t returned her call within 10 minutes, she either calls my cell phone or calls my youngest son and asks him to text me to make sure I’m ok. Doesn’t matter that I could be on the phone with work or a friend! *sigh*
I know, lots of sighing going on around here.
Added to all this is a huge project at work which, thanks to the developers, is behind by two weeks…so our testing time is being cut down in order to make up time…testing is not cut back…just testing time!
A HUGE THANK YOU to all you lovely people who have emailed, texted, phoned and left uplifting comments. The many prayers, positive and healing energy, and good wishes are so very much appreciated. I promise to try and get everyone answered this week!
I have been able to read some of your blog posts and really enjoyed them…just haven’t had time for commenting. Of course, if you want my *cough* “wise” *snort* comment on something you have written, just email me with which post it is, I will try to get over at leave words of wisdom. ROFLMBO
BTW...one of these days, I will get caught on up replying to the comments here...of course, at the rate I'm going, it could be next year. LOL
For ALL of you wonderful ladies and gentlemen in blog land!
Huge HUGS and Blessings to all of you!
Saturday, April 27, 2013
The Gambler and the Auditor
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you’d be happy about it.’
Grandpa is definitely a gambler!
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you’d be happy about it.’
Grandpa is definitely a gambler!
Friday, April 26, 2013
Fly Hunting
QUICK UPDATE:
Hey Y'all...I apologize for not answering all the emails and messages you have sent.
I'm ok and so is my mom...just been an extremely bad week.
Will try to get an update posted this weekend.
Thank you so much for all the prayers and healing energy coming in...would hate to think where I'd be without all of it!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Grandpa and Grandma
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
Courtesy of Raz Erel
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
In Court
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility…
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
ROFLMBO!
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility…
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
Courtesy of Freedom Barbie
ROFLMBO!
Monday, April 22, 2013
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Date Night
My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.
When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs.
Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.
A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard...she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening...
ROFLMBO!!!
When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs.
Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.
A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard...she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening...
Courtesy of Robyn Long
ROFLMBO!!!
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Father of One of My Kids
A man walk into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.
She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked, "Do I know you?"
The woman answers, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids".
The man thinks for a minute then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.
So he says to the woman, "Are you the stripper that was at my best friends bachelor party about 5 years ago?" "You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table?"
The woman looks at him horrified and says, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Oops!
She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked, "Do I know you?"
The woman answers, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids".
The man thinks for a minute then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.
So he says to the woman, "Are you the stripper that was at my best friends bachelor party about 5 years ago?" "You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table?"
The woman looks at him horrified and says, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Oops!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Marriage Counseling
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling.
When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
“What seems to be the problem?” he asked.
The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”
The husband scratched his head and replied…
“I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
Oops! Think that’s what the counselor meant?
How many think the husband should just pick her up and put her OTK!
When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
“What seems to be the problem?” he asked.
The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”
The husband scratched his head and replied…
“I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
Oops! Think that’s what the counselor meant?
How many think the husband should just pick her up and put her OTK!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home...I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid'...reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad…I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE...!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
ROFLMBO!!!!!
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home...I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid'...reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad…I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE...!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Courtesy of Laugh in the face of EVERYTHING
ROFLMBO!!!!!
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Say What?
My pets aren't allowed to smoke.
What about yours?
Ack! I can’t change in the shower?
What if I don’t want to touch your managers?
Wow…very talented pets! Wish I could get mine to move things around my house.
Whoa! Don't think I'll be trespassing there!
Got a mop handy?
No thanks, I would prefer your staff keep their hands to themselves.
ROFLMBO!
Monday, April 15, 2013
Cat Baths!
I thought you loved me!
You just wait…I'll get even with you for this...
You SAID the water was warm!!!!
I don't like you anymore...
I'm gonna sit here until you get the towel…now GO!
You're squeezing too tight...look at my eyes...they say ‘tilt’!
No, I am NOT your good kitty!
What's wrong with you people? This is cruel...and...WET!
Why can't I get any traction?
I wish I could get on my knees to pray.
“No, no, no, no! I SAID NO!"
ROFLMBO
Sunday, April 14, 2013
What Did You Say?
Hey y'all...if you want to leave a comment, you will now have to be a registered user of one of the following:
This should not be a problem but if anyone has trouble leaving a comment, please email me and we can work to resolve the issue.
Thanks for your understanding,
Cat
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