Sunday, May 31, 2015
The Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in the Midwest. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humour!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Mother Nature Dirty Pictures
Some of these pictures have been shared but are worth viewing again...others haven’t.
Hope you enjoy all of them!
Innocent Pictures From Nature That Look Absolutely Dirty In Your Mind
Leave it to mother nature to always keep us on our toes.
Here are 20 photos that aren’t dirty, but will look totally dirty to those of us with a sick and twisted mind.
From Behind
Do you see what I see?
Waterfalls
Don't go chasing pink waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to.
Hung Tree
That is one lucky tree.
Ice, Ice Baby
You'll never see anything quite like this again.
Relaxin'
That must have been one good walk.
Free Tree
No caption needed.
Secret Garden
A flower is a flower ...
Happy Cactus
That is one happy cactus.
Treegina
There really just aren't any words for this.
Plants
One boy and one girl going to prom.
Nice Pair
Pamela Anderson called... she wants her tree back.
Hanging Low
Watch your hands, lady.
Mushrooms
Verrrrry nice.
Clear Skies A Head
Just a cloud, happy to be alive in all its cloudiness.
Bootylicious
Baby got back!
Silly Cactus
Hello there, Mr. Cactus.
Oh Baby
That's a baby kangaroo, you perverts!
Strawberries
Strawberry fields forever.
Gifted Tree
Don't be jealous, fellas.
Pinky
Mother nature, you never cease to amaze me.
Courtesy of Rant lifestyle
Friday, May 29, 2015
Lunch Time
There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for "enjoyment of food."
Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.
The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.
At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case.
The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turned to Mike and said, "What do you have to say to that?"
The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"
The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."
One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for "enjoyment of food."
Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.
The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.
At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case.
The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turned to Mike and said, "What do you have to say to that?"
The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"
The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Oldies but goodies!
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**********
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************
And the best one for last…
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Arrows Across America
Just when you think you've heard it all....how about this...???
Giant Concrete Arrows That Stretch Across America.
Every so often, usually in the vast deserts of the American Southwest, a hiker or a backpacker will run across something puzzling: a large concrete arrow, as much as seventy feet in length, sitting in the middle of nowhere.
What are these giant arrows?
Some kind of surveying mark?
Landing beacons for flying saucers?
Nope. They are actually arrows marking…
The Transcontinental Air Mail Route!
On August 20, 1920, the United States opened its first coast-to-coast airmail delivery route, just 60 years after the Pony Express closed up shop. There were no good aviation charts in those days, so pilots had to eyeball their way across the country using landmarks. This meant that flying in bad weather was difficult, and night flying was just about impossible.
The Postal Service solved the problem with the world’s first ground-based civilian navigation system: a series of lit beacons that would extend from New York to San Francisco . Every ten miles , pilots would pass a bright yellow concrete arrow. Each arrow would be surmounted by a 51-foot steel tower and lit by a million-candlepower rotating beacon.
(A generator shed at the arrow's tail powered the beacon)!
Now mail could get from the Atlantic to the Pacific not in a matter of weeks, but in just 30 hours or so. Even the dumbest of air mail pilots, it seems, could follow a series of bright yellow arrows straight out of a Tex Avery cartoon.
By 1924, just a year after Congress funded it, the line of giant concrete markers stretched from Rock Springs, Wyoming to Cleveland, Ohio. The next summer, it reached all the way to New York, and by 1929 it spanned the continent uninterrupted, the envy of postal systems worldwide.
Radio and radar are, of course, infinitely less cool than a concrete Yellow Brick Road from sea to shining sea, but I think we all know how this story ends. New advances in communication and navigation technology made the big arrows obsolete, and the Commerce Department decommissioned the beacons in the 1940s. The steel towers were torn down and went to the war effort. But the hundreds of arrows remain. Their yellow paint is gone, their concrete cracks a little more with every winter frost, and no one crosses their path much, except for coyotes and tumbleweeds.
Giant Concrete Arrows That Stretch Across America.
Every so often, usually in the vast deserts of the American Southwest, a hiker or a backpacker will run across something puzzling: a large concrete arrow, as much as seventy feet in length, sitting in the middle of nowhere. 
What are these giant arrows?
Some kind of surveying mark?
Landing beacons for flying saucers?
Nope. They are actually arrows marking…
The Transcontinental Air Mail Route!
On August 20, 1920, the United States opened its first coast-to-coast airmail delivery route, just 60 years after the Pony Express closed up shop. There were no good aviation charts in those days, so pilots had to eyeball their way across the country using landmarks. This meant that flying in bad weather was difficult, and night flying was just about impossible.
The Postal Service solved the problem with the world’s first ground-based civilian navigation system: a series of lit beacons that would extend from New York to San Francisco . Every ten miles , pilots would pass a bright yellow concrete arrow. Each arrow would be surmounted by a 51-foot steel tower and lit by a million-candlepower rotating beacon.
(A generator shed at the arrow's tail powered the beacon)!
Now mail could get from the Atlantic to the Pacific not in a matter of weeks, but in just 30 hours or so. Even the dumbest of air mail pilots, it seems, could follow a series of bright yellow arrows straight out of a Tex Avery cartoon.
By 1924, just a year after Congress funded it, the line of giant concrete markers stretched from Rock Springs, Wyoming to Cleveland, Ohio. The next summer, it reached all the way to New York, and by 1929 it spanned the continent uninterrupted, the envy of postal systems worldwide.
Radio and radar are, of course, infinitely less cool than a concrete Yellow Brick Road from sea to shining sea, but I think we all know how this story ends. New advances in communication and navigation technology made the big arrows obsolete, and the Commerce Department decommissioned the beacons in the 1940s. The steel towers were torn down and went to the war effort. But the hundreds of arrows remain. Their yellow paint is gone, their concrete cracks a little more with every winter frost, and no one crosses their path much, except for coyotes and tumbleweeds.
AND NOW... YOU KNOW THE REST OF THE STORY!!!
Pretty Cool.... Huh?
Learn something new every day! 
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
The Real Texas
Not limited to Texas…applies at my house also! 
Again…applies at my house also! 
Need to get or make me one of these!
Ooh and this one also!
Unfortunately, not true this year...wouldn't even be able to find the blasted thing.
Got that right!
Yeppers…
Monday, May 25, 2015
Birthday Party
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife who was looking at herself in the mirror. After all these years he was still crazy about her. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.
“I’d just like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms.
He had quite an adventure planned for her!
He took her to Six Flags theme park. He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a large chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, along with buttered popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s.
What a fabulous day he had given her!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed absolutely exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile on this face and lovingly asked, “Well Dear, what was it like being six again?”
Her eyes slowly opened in realization...
“I meant my dress size, you idiot!”
“I’d just like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms.
He had quite an adventure planned for her!
He took her to Six Flags theme park. He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a large chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, along with buttered popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s.
What a fabulous day he had given her!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed absolutely exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile on this face and lovingly asked, “Well Dear, what was it like being six again?”
Her eyes slowly opened in realization...
“I meant my dress size, you idiot!”
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Some Gave All
As you have enjoyed this Memorial Day weekend watching baseball, NASCAR, barbecuing, drinking a beer or two, visiting with family and friends, I hope you have taken some time to remember and thank those who have made the ultimate sacrifice so you may have your freedom!
Thank you to all who have worn our Country's uniform in the past, and to those who wear it today. Thank you also for the sacrifices made by you and all your families!
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