Special Guest Post

Hello all. It has been several weeks since I rather abruptly left blogland. I deleted my email/profile/ etc. In one swift action, much like ripping off a bandage. Oh, it still hurt and quite a lot, but still easier than leaving bit by bit. I have missed all of you and this very special place more than I can say.


I want to extend a very special thank you to Cat who so graciously provided the platform for me to come back and speak with you. I would have used a different blog, a blog I used to have, if I still had the password.


I never really intended to come back here and say what I am going to say today. I tried to believe it was for reasons meant more to protect all of you than for selfish reasons of my own. But, I don’t believe that’s really true. What I have to confess will hurt some of you. I know that and I am so sorry. I also hate to be the cause of any feelings of distrust and doubt among any of you for your fellow bloggers/friends here. I fear some of that may happen as well. I am so sorry for that too. Still, to just leave with “no one the wiser” is cowardly. I always knew that. I also have very strong personal reasons for feeling it is imperative that I confess to all of you and ask your forgiveness. I’ll explain that in a minute. Of course, I realize that just because I ask your forgiveness does not mean that I expect to receive it. Maybe you can find it in your heart to do so, and maybe you can’t. I understand that some will be angry and I don’t blame you. I’m expecting that too. You have every right to feel that way.


You know me as Queenie, but some of you knew me by a different name. I was also Cowgirl Up.

I wanted so badly to be a part of this community. I never intended to hurt anyone. Once I became ‘Cowgirl’, I felt I belonged here. My blog, at first, was only jokes or posts that were not very personal. Slowly, I began to take what had a kernel of truth and embellish it far beyond anything reasonable. I knew it was wrong. I had such guilt, and rightfully so. What I never really expected was that I would come to truly, genuinely care about so many other bloggers. To become so heavily invested in their lives. By then, I didn’t see how I could confess without causing so much hurt and disappointment. The closer I got to some others, the harder it became. Finally, I just could not carry on with it. At the same time, I could not figure out how to stop. Just stop. I ended my blog by saying that my husband ‘Blue’ had a family member who was diagnosed with a serious illness and I had no time to blog, etc. Well, there was a truth there. His mother was sick and we lost her recently. Still, I know that some of you never stopped praying for ‘Cowgirl’ and ‘Blue’ and our family. I believe that those heartfelt prayers, that were so sincerely made by so many, but under such deceitful pretenses on my part have had an effect on me. I have been diagnosed with cancer. The biopsy shows it to be an especially aggressive, invasive variety. I believe that this is my punishment. Not sent by God, but by my own feelings of extreme guilt and shame at what I have done to so many here. I cannot carry this burden another day.



Why did I come back as Queenie? I tried to just be happy as a reader only. Then as an anonymous commenter. That wasn’t enough. I decided to come back as someone else. Someone totally honest this time. To the best of my memory, with the exception of how long I’ve been involved in blogland and pretending it was the first time to contact certain bloggers, I have not been deceitful as Queenie. That was the ‘real’ me. Warts and all. After what happened with Christina, I realized I was still doing something very wrong. I know some assumed I left blogland due to the fallout from Christina. Of course, it wasn’t any of you who I felt may not be as you seemed, it was entirely because I had my own secret to hide.


I want to apologize to each and every person who reads this. I ask that you send others to read this who may not otherwise.


I want to extend a special apology to those bloggers I became especially close to, in my mind at least, as ‘Cowgirl’: Clint and Chelsea, Christina, Lillie, Molly Rose, Irishey, SNP, Renee Rose, Julia, Lil Misses, Cat, Willie, Blue Bird, Dana


Also, a very special apology to those who were so very kind to me as Queenie: Cat, Irishey, Willie and Clara.


I have no doubt I have left out many, so, to one and all who have been my friend in either of my identities, I thank you. I’m beyond sorry for what I did. Please forgive me if you can.



Cat here…Before you comment, please remember…you can be angry, hurt, saddened, disappointed and are free to express any or all of those emotions as well as others you may be feeling.  But…I do NOT tolerate disrespectful comments on my blog.