Adult Content Warning

You have entered a site intended for ADULTS ONLY. If you are under the age of 18, or if it is illegal to view such material in your community, please exit this site immediately. This site contains mature content including but not limited to; articles, discussions, pictures and other materials that some people may find offensive. If such materials offend you, please exit this site immediately.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Church Bulletins

They're Back!  Those wonderful Church Bulletins!  These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services…have previously shared some but fun and just had to share again. Smile

--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.  'The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.  It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir.  They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.  Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.  The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
And this one just about sums them all up…
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

18 comments:

  1. I think I go to this church. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome aaaa, please forward any goodies your church might publish. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete
  2. Lol, Cat!
    I love the one about having children and not knowing it. I don't think I could get away with that one with my brood.
    --Baker

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha...couldn't forget your crew, Baker? Not even one or two? ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete
  3. This was more than a giggle 😛 Thanks ....

    peace and love
    1ManView

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy you enjoyed it, 1MV. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete
  4. LoL Cat, these are all hilarious and priceless. Thank you for the giggle :)

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're very welcome, Roz...happy you enjoyed these. :)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete
  5. Oh Cat, very good. Made me laugh. Thank you.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're very welcome, Ronnie...happy to make you laugh. :)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete
  6. Hilarious, Cat! I liked the deceased in the envelope best.

    Hugs From Ella

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy you enjoyed them, Ella...that does create a very odd mental picture doesn't it. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete
  7. I'm going to be laughing all day. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very happy to help you have a good day, Sunny. :)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete
  8. Oh Cat these are brill, had me laughing at every one of them! 😆

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So happy you enjoyed them, Daisy. :)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete
  9. So good i had to send these along to my sister and cousin!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy you enjoyed these enough to share them, Fondles. :)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete

Thanks for stopping by. Respectful comments are always welcome.