Life

 

All you can control is your own response. That’s where the power lies. Make a decision that no matter what comes your way, you’re not going to let it sour your life.
 

Courtesy of Joel Osteen Ministries

 

Hillbilly Business Meeting

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

 

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

 

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.   After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

 

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”

The woman shakes her head no.

 

Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?”

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

 

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

 

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

 

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

 

His partner says, “Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!”

The Salesman

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."


His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!?!  Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.  That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here.  We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida.  One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."


The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day.

He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!?  What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks.  Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks.  Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.  Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"


The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

The Man Who Gave Up Sex for Golf!

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.




"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles.
 
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
 
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt. 



Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."
 
The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
 
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle. 
 
 
 
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
 
Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

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As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life." 
 
 
 
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

Mother Nature

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s something to hold you over until you open your wine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  Not this one!!!!

 

 

 

 

Update on EsMay plus My Crunchy Chicken Salad

I received the following message from EsMay approximately 30 minutes ago.

The storm has been going on since about noon, and it’s after supper now.  The winds are quite strong right now, and really buffeting the building.  We have been having complete white outs for hours, but still have power.  They downgraded the expected wind from 150km an hour to over 100km an hour, but didn’t say how much over.  I don’t see us keeping the power much longer as the winds intensify, but who knows. we're going to check on a few things, the winds are actually getting more,severe than we expected, so prayers would be welcome too. 

A plow just went by, we could see him coming up to drive by the front window, then all the sudden he disappeared in a whirl wind of snow right in front of our eyes, and came through once the whirl wind passed him.  It literally looked like he was eaten up for a minute.  Anyway, the windows are really rattling, so prayers are so welcome.  Got to go see if we need to take care of anything. :(

Now on to regularly scheduled programming...LOL
I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine while I was making my chicken salad yesterday which she loves.  Since she now lives on the other end of the state, we can’t meet for and share lunch as we did when we were in the same city.  She asked if I would write out the instructions and send them to her…which I did.  Thought some of you in blogland would enjoy it also.
 
Ingredients:

• 3 cups cooked chicken
• 4 stalks celery, diced
• 1 medium onion, diced
• 1 medium apple, diced
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• ¼ teaspoon pepper
• ½ cup sweet pickle relish
• 1 tablespoon yellow mustard
• ¾ cup mayonnaise
• Salt and pepper to taste
• ½ cup walnuts, chopped
• Crispy bacon, 2 pieces for each serving

Directions:

1. Skin and debone chicken and shred or dice into large bowl.
2. Mix in celery, onion and apples.
3. Mix in garlic powder, pepper, pickle relish and mustard.
4. Mix in mayonnaise…start with ½ cup and then use enough to bind well.
5. Mix in walnuts.
6. Chill immediately.

Notes:

• I usually serve this one of three ways:

- On bread for a sandwich…with two pieces of bacon…don’t need anything additional
- In a cored-out tomato…crumble one or two pieces of bacon over the top
- On a bed of lettuce… crumble one or two pieces of bacon over the top

• I used a roasted chicken I had bought at the grocery store but you can use roasted, boiled, baked, whatever you have.
• I have not ‘measured’ any of the ingredients…these are guesses so I would suggest you err on the side less as you can always add more.
• The sweet relish I used is my homemade relish which is not as sweet as store-bought so you might want to consider using less relish or possibly using bread and butter pickles. Not sure that dill pickle relish will work well with the apples and walnuts.
• I used Gala apples as that is what I had in the house but you can use your favorite.
• You could definitely add chopped hard boiled eggs to this if you would like.
• Of course, you can add and/or omit any ingredients you choose! LOL

 
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. If you try the recipe, as always, I would love any feedback you would care to give. 
 
I know that in addition to EsMay and the Duke, we have other blog land family who are dealing with this latest storm so please send prayers, positive energy, good thoughts, etc. for all those impacted.

Nudist Colony

We’ve had a bit of conversation around blog land involving nude beaches and nudist colonies so when I received this, I just had to share! 

 

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A man joins a very exclusive Florida nudist colony.

 

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. 

 

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

 

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, “You must be new here.  Let me explain.  It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.”

 

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

 

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts...

 

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, “it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.”

 

The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

 

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is

greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, “May I help you?” she asks.

 

The man yells, “Here's my membership card.  You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.”

 

“But, Sir,” she replies, “you've only been here for a few hours.  You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.”

 

 

The man replies, “Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.  I only get an erection once a month.  I fart 35 times a day!!!”

ROFLMBO!

 

 

The Winter Boots

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this!

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Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?
 

He asked for help and she could see why.
 

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
 

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

 
 

She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.”  


She looked, and sure enough, they were!




 
Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.
 
 
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.


 
 
He then announced,”'These aren't my boots.”


She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn't you say so?” like she wanted to.



Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
 
 
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, “They're my brother's boots.  But my Mom made me wear 'em today.”  




Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry!






But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.
 
 
 
Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?”


 
 
He said,”'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.”

 
 
All reports state she is doing well on her meds and should be eligible for release from the psyche ward next year!

A Few Naughties to Start the Week

Just had to share a few of these…

Of course you are!

And so are his reactions!

And he enjoyed every minute of it…just look at the grin on his face!

Guess that’s one way of saying it. 

Nuff said!

ROFLMBO…and just how many of you didn’t notice until it was pointed out to you?

Discount Airlines

WELCOME ABOARD "WALMART AIRLINES”

Just remember what is once seen cannot be unseen!

 

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You have been warned!

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Continue at your own risk!

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Don't say I didn't warn ya!

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“They're paid for and I want everyone to appreciate them!"

Somehow I ALWAYS manage to sit next to this person when I fly!!

OOOHHHHHHHHHH  MY  G A W W W W W W W D!!!!!!

SERIOUSLY??????

Words Just Freakin' Fail me ! ! !

Holy crap!   How long was his flight delayed????????

Friday Giggles

You're not going anywhere until I get my noms!

 

Double Chocolate Dream Cookies

Ingredients

• 2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/2 cup Cocoa powder
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup butter or margarine
• 1 cup packed brown sugar
• 3/4 cup granulated sugar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 2 large eggs
• 2 cups Semi-Sweet Chocolate Morsels
   

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 375° F.
2. COMBINE flour, cocoa, baking soda and salt in a small bowl.
3. Beat butter, brown sugar, granulated sugar and vanilla extract in a large mixing bowl until creamy.
4. Beat in eggs for about 2 minutes or until light and fluffy.
5. Gradually beat in flour mixture.
6. Stir in morsels.
7. Drop by rounded tablespoon onto ungreased baking sheets. 
8. BAKE for 8 to 10 minutes or until cookies are puffed.
9. Cool on baking sheets for 2 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely.
    

Notes:

Not sure, but think I got this recipe off the back of a Nestles Tollhouse semi-sweet chocolate chips bag.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
Hope you enjoy!
 

Love Song and Blogland Family UPDATE

Katie from This Whole Thing asked me to let you know that she is dealing with a family situation and will not be around blogland very much for a while.  Please know that if she doesn't comment on your blog, it is not because she doesn't care but because she has her hands full dealing with her family issues!

We also have a few of our blog land family that need your prayers, healing energy, positive thoughts, and good wishes.  One whose dad was just rushed to the hospital, one whose mom is in very bad health, one whose husband will undergo surgery soon and who managed to injure herself!  Please keep them all in your hearts.

 This was not what I had scheduled to post today but then my oldest son shared this video on Facebook and I just had to share it with you. 


The video lasts for a bit over 9 minutes but it is well worth your time to listen to the story and song.  Hope you enjoy!  


You might want to have a tissue or two available.

For those of you who can't view the video, here is the YouTube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=KDi4hBWsvkY

Shopping for Fish

A man went into a fish shop and said,  “Can I have some cod please?”
 
The shop owner replied, "We don't have any cod."
 

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The man said “ok.”  

The man  then asked,  "Can I have some cod?”

 
 
The chippy owner told him again that there was no cod. 

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So the man said, "Ok...can I have some cod?”
 
  

At this the chipper shop owner got really pissed off and said, "Look MISTER, we have no cod C-O-F-D, cod!"

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The man said, "But the is no F in cod.”
 

 ***************************************************************************** 

 

And the chippy owner said..."THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!!!”




Buy 'em books and buy 'em books and all they do is eat the pages!

Chill!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So…How was your day?

Happy St. Patrick’s Day