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Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Insults for Any Occasion

20 Extremely Well-Mannered Insults to Use on Your Worst Enemy. 
 
1. May the chocolate chips in your cookies always turn out to be raisins.
 
2. May every sock you wear be slightly rotated, just enough for it to be uncomfortable.
 
3. May your mother come to talk to you, and then leave your door slightly ajar, so that you have to get up and close it.
 
4. May your article load that extra little bit as you're about to click a link so you click an ad instead.
 
5. May both sides of your pillow be warm.
 
6. May you forever feel your cellphone vibrating in the pocket it's not even in.
 
7. May you always get up from your computer with your headphones still attached.
 
8. May your life be as pleasant as you are.
 
9. May your chair produce a sound similar to a fart, but only once, such that you cannot reproduce it to prove that it was just the chair.
 
10. May your five year old neighbor have their violin lessons during all of your hangovers.
 
11. May you have your laptop charge all night without noticing the chord isn't plugged in the wall.
 
12. May your return calls always go unanswered, even though you literally just f*cking called me, Kyle.
 
13. May you always step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.
 
14. May your tea be too hot when you receive it, and too cold by the time you remember it's there.
 
15. May your cookie always be slightly too large to fit inside your glass of milk.
 
16. May the pin of the bathroom stall never reach the lock to close the door.
 
17. May all your Facebook invites be game invites.
 
18. May you never be quite certain whether that pressure is a fart or poop.
 
19. May your spoon always slip and sink under the hot soup you eat.
 
20. May you never remember these curses when you try to.
 
Courtesy of tickld

Helpful hints for those of you having to deal with unpleasantness over the holiday season. 

18 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Happy you enjoyed these Minelle. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

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  2. These are very cute......thanks.
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome Abby...happy you enjoyed them. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete
  3. Number 5 seems especially mean!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes PK...I agree. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

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  4. These are funny. Love 1 and 10. Thanks Cat.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy you enjoyed them Ronnie...those are good zingers aren't they. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete
  5. I can think of several people to whom I would like to say a few of these. And I hate raisins in my cookies!

    Hugs From Ella

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy you enjoyed them Ella. And now we know...if we want to insult you, we'll use #1! :D

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

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  6. Hi Cat, oh my, some of these are so annoying, so we better be good. Too late, I got the one with too hot and cold tea. :) Thank you for the giggle. Not a curse: may your days become better and better!

    hugs

    Nina

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL Nina...not too late...you did get it. ;) What a lovely blessing...thank you.

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

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  7. HILARIOUS!!! I may have to use one or two of these.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You'll have to let us know which ones you use and how it goes Maggie. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

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  8. I hope I remember some of these at the right moments.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope you do also Sunny...memorize one or two of the good all purpose like #5 and #8. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete
  9. hmmmm...I will try to remember some of these in case they come in handy :-) hugs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Terps...As I told Sunny, memorize one or two of the insults...my favorite for all-round insult is #8. ;)

      Hugs and blessings...Cat

      Delete

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