What's Your Name?

A lovely little girl is entering class for the first time when a friendly little boy approaches her. “My name’s Ted,” he says, “What’s yours?”

“Happy Butt,” the little girl replies.
 
 
“I’m going to tell the teacher on you for lying!” the boy shouts.

He goes to the teacher and says that the little girl has lied to him about her name.
 
 
“What is your name?” asks the teacher.

“Happy Butt,” says the little girl.
 
 
“No, no,” the teacher says. “What is your real name?”

“Happy Butt,” the little girl insists.
 
 
“Shame on you for lying,” says the teacher. “You go straight to the principal’s office right this minute!”
 
 
“Why are you here?” the principal asks.

“They think I’m lying when I tell them my name is Happy Butt,” the little girl says.
 
 
“Your name can’t be Happy Butt,” the principal says. “I’m going to call your mother and straighten this out. You mustn’t lie to us about your name.”
 
 
The principal calls the mother and says, “We have your little girl here and she keeps telling us her name is ‘Happy Butt’.”
 
 
“Oh,” says the mother, “that must be Gladys.”
 
 
“Little girl,” the principal says, “your mother says your name is Gladys.”
 
 
The little girl asks, “Happy Butt.  Glad Ass.  What’s the difference?”

Update re: Katie’s Dad

For those of you who haven't heard...Katie's Dad lost his battle yesterday evening and has now begun his new journey.  Katie, Rob and one of her brother's were with him to help ease him on his way.

 

 

Please join me in sending prayers of comfort and healing energy for Katie and her family.

Daily Sex

I personally know exactly why I should be having sex every day: it makes my beard grow, improves my bear fighting abilities, and makes me at least 2 inches taller. But that’s me, and you might not have a beard, want to fight bears, and are comfortable with being short. So, I turned to my good buddy, science, for the top 7 reasons you should be having sex as near to constantly as you can…

1. Sex Keeps You Fit
A study released in the scientific journal PLOS one found that, in young people, sex burns an average of 4.2 calories a minute for men and 3.1 calories a minute for women. It is estimated that if you have moderately active sex twice a week, you’ll burn an extra 5,000 calories a year! ­That’s an exercise program I can get behind (pun intended).
 
2. Sex Keeps You Young
Having high levels of the natural steroid DHEA, known as “the anti-aging hormone”, is believed to be key to keeping your body fitter for longer. During sex, DHEA is ­secreted throughout the body, and after an orgasm, the level in the bloodstream soars to five times its normal amount. Also, the hormone estrogen is pumped out (pun intended) during sex, which can in turn have a plumping effect on the skin, helping to smooth out those fine lines – especially following menopause, when a woman’s ­estrogen levels naturally drop.
 
3. Sex Makes You Healthier
A study done in Scotland showed that people who had more sex, specifically women, had lower blood pressure than women who abstained from sex. Researchers at Brigham Young university found the exact same results. On top of that (pun intended), a study in Australia also found people who climaxed at least three times a week had a 50% lower chance of dying for any medical reason than those who only climaxed once a month.
 
4. Sex is Good for Your Skin
Since sex is technically an aerobic form of exercise, researchers at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital have determined that sex is great for your skin. Their research found that vigorous sex pumps (pun intended) higher levels of oxygen around the body, increasing the flow of blood and nutrients to the skin, and pushes newer, fresher skin cells to the surface, making skin look healthier. just ask Dr. Marko Lens, who said “This is my clinical experience, but women who are having regular sex have much better skin than women who don’t. A good sex life means better skin.”
 
5. Sex Can Make Your Day
If you are like me, the first 20 minutes of your morning can often determine how the rest of the day is going to go. Dr Debby Herbenick found that adults who had sex first thing in the morning were not only more upbeat for the rest of the day, but they also benefited from a stronger ­immune system than those people who simply opted for a cup of coffee and some toast. Morning sex can help you start your day off with a bang (pun totally intended).
 
6. Sex Gets Rid of Menstrual Cramps
Nope, I’m not making this one up as an excuse for men to use when women have cramps, science proved this one too. The theory is that muscle contractions that occur when women reach peak levels of excitement relieve tension in the muscles of your uterus – the very ones that cause menstrual cramps in the first place. Relieving that tension in those muscles therefore eases the pain of menstrual cramps. According to Dr. Jennie Campbell Leslie, sex is good for all sorts of period related issues.
 
7. Sex Gets Rid of Pain
Again, I’m not making this one up. According to Dr. Barry R. Komisaruk from Rutgers University “Orgasms can block pain. We’ve found that vaginal stimulation can block chronic back and leg pain, and many women have told us that genital self-stimulation can reduce menstrual cramps, arthritic pain, and in some cases even headache”.
So don’t just take my word for it, take science’s word for it:

You Should Be Having More Sex. Like right now…

 

By Justin Gammill

Courtesy of iheartintelligence

Oh and my personal fave...it feels great!

Update: Katie’s Dad

Katie from This Whole Thing asked me to update everyone regarding her Dad.  Unfortunately, his battle is almost done and he will soon begin his new journey.  Katie, Rob and her family are with him and doing okay with some laughs and chatter amidst the sadness.

Katie asked that I convey her thanks to all of you for all the support, kindnesses and prayers you have sent.

 

Please send prayers, healing energy and/or positive thoughts to Katie and her family as they go through this difficult and painful time.

Not Illegal

Crazy things that incredibly aren’t illegal somewhere in the United States

How some of these things aren’t officially banned is beyond me. But in certain places all of this stuff is fair game.
 
Marrying your first cousin
In 11 states, including New York, New Jersey, Connecticut and Washington D.C. it’s OK to marry someone who has the same grandparents as you. Gross.
 
 

Getting drunk with your kids
In 2013, the Massachusetts State Supreme Judicial Court ruled that parents cannot be held criminally liable for giving alcohol to their children at home. Who knows, maybe that would help train kids early in life so they wouldn’t make bigger rookie mistakes as they got older. Maybe.
 
 

Driving while barefoot
Driving without your shoes is legal in all 50 states. The one caveat is if police find your lack of footwear somehow contributed to an accident you could get cited for negligent or reckless driving.
Now I really don’t see anything wrong with this…I drive barefoot quite a bit…especially in the summer.
 

Firing a missile
Don’t mind me while I fire my fucking MISSILE. In South Carolina it’s perfectly legal to fire a missile. You are required to have permission from the aeronautics division of the Department of Commerce, but otherwise have at it.
Works for me!
 

Bestiality
There are over a dozen states where it’s 100% legal for you to be intimate with an animal. Let me be clear, it’s frowned upon, and in no way should that idea ever come across your radar, BUT technically it’s not a crime.
 
 

Driving with sunglasses at night
“Some states do have laws against this, but Washington is not one of them,” Bellevue police spokesman Greg Grannis said. I mean, the temptation to look cool is just so hard to resist. You know that old song.
 
 

Secretly recording a phone call
Shady as it sounds, in the vast majority of U.S. states, the law only requires one participant in a conversation to know that it is being recorded.
 
 
 

Passing on a double yellow line
In Vermont it’s fine to pass on the double yellow line (unless a signpost specifically prohibits it). Again, I would highly advise against this.
 
 
 

Counting cards
If casinos catch you, most casinos will kick you out and never let you back in, but it’s not against the law. And in Atlantic City there’s nothing they can do.
 
 

Driving your tank to the grocery store
I kind of like that this is legal in ‘Merica. The only rules are the tank must have rubber tracks and not exceed normal rules of size, mirrors, lights, etc.. Awesome.
I want one! 
 

Wearing a spaghetti strainer in your driver license photo
In 2014, a woman in Utah was allowed to wear a colander on her head during her driver’s license photo because it was considered a religious garment. Three other drivers–from California and Oklahoma–were allowed to do the same.
 
 

Owning a brown bear
Hey, anything Russia can do we can do better. And apparently capturing one of these dangerous creatures is legal in nine different states.
 
 

Owning a flamethrower
The kids love this one. It’s completely legal to purchase a flamethrower under federal law, and 40 states have no laws that prohibit owning the weapon.
Ooh…want one of these also!
 

Sending penis pics to people you know
In Georgia, there’s no law against sending people unwanted photos of your penis. Not like any of you folks would ever stoop to such a crass level. Right? 
 
 

Turning your backyard into a gun range
In Florida, it’s completely legal to shoot small arms off in your backyard. The only restriction is that you can’t pop off any rounds over a house that is occupied or on a public street.
I shoot in my backyard also and I’m not in Florida.  
 

Texting and driving
In West Virginia, it is legal for licensed drivers to text while operating a vehicle. SMART.
Now this is completely idiotic! 
 

Getting spanked by a teacher
School corporal punishment is still allowed in 19 U.S. states.
 
 

Riding in the back of a pickup truck
This is an especially bad idea, BTW. I’ve seen people get seriously hurt doing this exact thing. However, according to the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, several states, including, Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Delaware, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Minnesota, Mississippi, Montana, New Hampshire, North Dakota, Oklahoma, South Dakota, Vermont, Washington, West Virginia, and Wyoming have no laws about riding in the back of a pickup truck
 
 

Serving roadkill for dinner
Texas, California and Washington might not have much in common, and yet these are the only three states that made collecting and eating roadkill illegal. Otherwise, if you can kill it, you can grill it.
 
 

Going topless out in public
Only three U.S. states have actual laws against the public display of a female breasts: Utah, Indiana, and Tennessee.
Via Distractify

Courtesy of the Chive

Why Athletes Can’t Have Regular Jobs

 
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:

"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

 
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

 
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"

Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

 
4. Torrin Polk,University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:

"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

 
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

 
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)

 
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:

"You guys line up alphabetically by height..,"And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

 
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton..."

 
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

 
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

 
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.  (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

 
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

 
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:

"Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject."

 
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:

"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

 
15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:

"Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

Bragging

Two rather old retired racehorses are in a bar getting totally drunk. 

After about two hours, the first racehorse says: "You know...when I was a young racehorse...from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 90 races, got 5 seconds and 5 thirds...I am without doubt the greatest racehorse that ever lived."

In response to this and approximately a half an hour later, the second racehorse responded, "Oh yeah...when I was a young racehorse...from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 95 races, got 2 seconds and 3 thirds...I am the greatest racehorse that ever lived."


Now it was about this time that the bartender, a greyhound, decided that they were drunk enough so he said, "I am sick of you two telling one another how great you are, you are both drunk and I am throwing you out of the bar, but before I do,  I want to let you know that when I was a young greyhound, from one hundred starts, I won 100 races, no seconds and no thirds."


The two racehorses were shocked and for 5 minutes sat with their mouths open until the fist racehorse finally said, "Isn't that amazing (hic)...a talking greyhound!"

Get into Heaven

God visited a woman and said she must give up smoking, drinking and sex to get into heaven.

She agreed to try her best.


God visited her a week later for a progress report.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking.  But I bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend saw my long, slender legs, pulled my skirt up and pulled my knickers to one side.  He made love to me right there."


"They don't like that in heaven", said God...


She replied: "They're not too happy about it in Sears either!"

You're a Redneck When…

Two good ol' boys in a Mississippi trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work.

 
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

 
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

Men of The Cloth

A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.  
After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
 
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
 

A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
 
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
 
 
Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"

Hot Day

FYI...I know I still owe y'all answers to the questions you submitted...been a bit busy around here...and internet access has been iffy...will get them posted as soon as I can.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat.
 
Not an unusual habit on a hot day.
 

So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.
 
They ask who it is.
 
"The blind man," a voice replies.
 

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind.
 

He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice boobs! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

ROFL

Sex Story

A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:
 
Husband: "Sukitaki. mojitaka!"
 
Wife replies: "Kowanini! mowi janakpa!"
 
Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
 
Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
 
Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"
 
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this – is this actually Japanese?  If so, do you even know how to read Japanese?
 

All y’all will read anything as long as it’s about sex…you need serious help!!!
 

Sometimes I worry about you.

An Englishman in France

Study the picture first and then read the story.

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.


The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.


With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and quite a few glasses of single malt thereafter.


Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.


The Englishman answers with humour. No sir, I do not!


But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving...on the other side?  

Husbands

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!  There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.  The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but…

she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
 
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

10 Things Every Woman Wants to Say to Their Gynaecologist

A friend shared this on Facebook today and it was so funny, I had to share it there and here also! Hope you enjoy!



We found this brilliant list over at one of our new favourite blogs  scarymommy.com and because we’ve all been there, we just had to share.  How many of these things have you wanted to say?

1. Can we skip the weigh in? I’m bloated twenty days out of every month. I don’t need three glaring numbers reminding me to skip Burger King on the way home.  Can we do a visual estimation and call it good?  She looks larger than last time but is not quite ready for a Richard Simmons intervention works for me.
 
2. Where’s the panty coat rack? Just once, I’d love to enter an examination room and see a place to store/hang my coat (and other clothing) while being poked and prodded examined.  I’m tired of hiding my panties under my jeans that are rolled into a wad and stuck on a chair that thirty other naked women have already sat in that day.
 
3. The last day of my last period? You’re so funny!  I can’t remember what I ate for breakfast. The date of my last period?  Approximately one month to you better hurry up and get this examination done days ago.
 
4. Can we kill the fluorescent lights?  Know what destroys a girl’s self-esteem faster than JLo walking into a room?  Fluorescent mothereffing lighting. There’s a miner’s spotlight on your forehead.  Is more necessary?
 
5. Do you have something a little bigger than a tissue paper doily that I can cover with?  I’m not two.  I weigh more than 50 pounds.  And I’m definitely taller than three feet six inches.  I require an actual full-size blanket or throw and preferably one not made from gift bag filling.  Could I borrow that fabric room divider?
 
6. If I could SEE the straps, I’d definitely put my ankles in there. You’re lying on your back (without pillows) trying to focus on anything but what’s happening down south when dear ole’ doc says, “Could you put your ankles in the stirrups?”  Seriously, dude?  I just got comfortable, found an interesting piece of torn ceiling plaster to focus on (it’s shaped like Florida), and you’re asking me to find the straps?  Pamper a girl.  Put her ankles in there for her.  It will feel like a day at the spa.
 
7. Yes, I can slide down more, but honestly, I don’t want my ass to land on your feet.  Positioning yourself on a gynecological examination table is like landing a Boeing 747 at a small jetport.  The clearance is limited and you have to inch your way to near disaster.  There’s also the moment of feeling like a total idiot when you ask, “Is that far enough?” (Shit. Too far.)
 
8. D’FUQ?!  That’s cold!  From his (or her) hands to the stretch-a-hoo-ha nut cracker looking contraption, every damn thing used down there feels like it just came out of a freezer.  Can we get a warming tray, perhaps? And a glass of wine?
 
9. You’ve tunneled to China through my vagina!  Yeah, it hurts a little.  I understand that doctors are obligated to ask these types of questions.  I totally get that empathy is part of the job.  But we’re all adults.  Let’s assume that it hurts and ask on a scale of one to ten how much—one being the headache my toddler gives me after screaming for twenty minutes and ten being just after my husband stubs his toe.
 
10. Excuse me. Where are my parting gifts?  Hello, SWAG bag?  Do I get ANYTHING after enduring that type of poking?  A visit to the dentist scores us a new toothbrush. The eye doctor sends us packing with free contact lenses.  What do we get after a visit to the gynecologist?  A big, fat nothing.  Even a George Clooney sticker would be nice.  Or a discount coupon for laser hair removal.
H/T: scarymommy.com

Courtesy of daily hiit

How many of these are true for you?

When Insults Had Class

These outstanding insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to four letter words:
 
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
 
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
 
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
 
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."- Clarence Darrow
 
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
 
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
 
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
 
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
 
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
 "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
 
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
 
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."- John Bright
 
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
 
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." –Samuel Johnson
 
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."- Paul Keating
 
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
 
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."- Forrest Tucker
 
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
 
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
 
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
 
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination."- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
 
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
 
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Extra Money

Courtesy of read-laugh

Oops!

Alien Sex

A human couple and an alien couple are having dinner when the discussion inevitably comes to sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" Asks the Earth woman.

"Pretty much the same as you guys do," reply the aliens.


Eventually they decide to swap partners and the human woman leads the alien male to her bedroom. To her shock when he undresses she sees he has a tiny member.


"What on Earth could you do with that?!" she asks, "it's tiny!"

"Not a problem," he replies as he slaps his head, and with each slap it becomes longer and longer.


"That's amazing!" she gasps, "but it's still pretty thin..."

Without saying a word he starts pulling his ears, and with each pull it grows thicker and thicker and the two have the most incredible sex of their lives.


Afterwards her husband asks, "how was it?"


"I hate to say it," his wife replies, "but it was pretty incredible. How was it for you?"


"Weird," he says, "all night long she was slapping my head and yanking my ears."

Kick Again…

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.
 
Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one.

He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
 

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
 

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.  I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.  I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.”
 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.


The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”     

King Arthur and the Old Ugly Woman

Another joke from our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong. 
 
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
 
The question?...What do women really want?  Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
 
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
 
Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer.
 
But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
 
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
 
The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
 
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
 
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
 
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
 
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:
 
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
 
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
 
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.
 
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
 
The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
 
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
 
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
 
What would YOU do?
 
What Lancelot chose is below.
 
 
BUT...make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
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READY?
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Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
 
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
 
Now...what is the moral to this story?
The moral is...
 
If you don't let a woman have her own way...
 
Things are going to get f*cking ugly.

Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign

Hmmm…Nancy must be persistent.

 

Always blame it on the Moose.

And how is that working for you?

 

 Wonder just how they catch you if you’re not parked.

“OUCH!” 

 




Well shucky darn!

Beware of 600 pound anything!

And we really need a sign for this?

  So many ways this can go so wrong!

  
 
 
Seriously?










 

  Ummm…I’m confused.

 
 
Really makes me want to eat in that cafeteria!







 

How about toes?

 





Make sure you do not hit 16 now!

  And just who gets the honors?

 

????????????????

How about sitting picnics?

 




 Well darn the bad luck...and that is just what I was gonna do!

Be very careful!

Elevators are so dangerous without a lifeguard!

What else is the sign for?

No comment…

Oops! Too late!

Are ya training them to explode or not explode?

Courtesy of the Chive