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Saturday, December 14, 2013

Holiday Party Memo

 
Company Memo
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.   There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!   We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.   And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!   A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.   Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.   This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
 
Company Memo
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party 
 
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.   We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.  However, from now on, we're calling it our " Holiday Party."  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.  There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.  We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
 
Company Memo
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.  I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
 
Company Memo
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party 
 
What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.  There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work? 
 
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. 
 
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.  Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. 
 
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. 
 
We will have booster seats for short people. 
 
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. 
 
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food.  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. 
 
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!  
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
 
Company Memo
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party 
 
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.  But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW! 
 
The rest of you f*%^ing weirdo's can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday! 
 
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
 
Company Memo
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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party 
 
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. 
 
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. 
 
Happy Holidays!
Joan
Courtesy of jokebuddha.com

 

16 comments:

  1. oh lol cat i can just picture getting this series of memos at my office!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL Anon...Not sure I can picture receiving the last one from Patty...the looks on peoples faces would be priceless. ;)

      Blessings...
      Cat

      BTW...I don't mind if you don't want to sign in but could you please leave your name or initial in the comment so I will know which anon I'm responding to? :D

      Delete
  2. Snickering over here Cat. Are you sure Patty was drinking through all these memos? ROFL Thanks for sharing, Lisa

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Lisa...If I was Patty, I would probably be drinking to get through all the PC nonsense. ;)

      Happy you enjoyed it.

      Blessings...
      Cat

      Delete
  3. And now you know why I prefer 4 legged friends. I can have a Christmas tree, exchange gifts and drink what ever I want. The world is getting to pc for me

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL Rose...I know what you mean...getting way too PC is so many ways!

      Merry Christmas to you, Dragon and your kiddos!

      Hugs and Blessings...
      Cat

      Delete
  4. you can't make everyone happy all of the time...or in this case apparently any of the time... :-) thanks for sharing...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Terps...have you heard the Rick Nelson song "Went to a Garden Party"? Part of the lyrics say "...ya can't please everyone so ya got to please yourself"...so very true.

      Hugs and Blessings...
      Cat

      Delete
  5. LoL Cat, poor Patty, the perils of trying to arrange any function in this mad pc world!

    Hugs,
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree Roz...talk about a stressful job! Can we say "give me valium!"

      Hugs and Blessings...
      Cat

      Delete
  6. I saw this last year, it is funny and I think there's more truth to it than one might think.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree Sunny...another 'kidding on the square'. ;)

      Hugs and Blessings...
      Cat

      Delete
  7. Yeah I agree with Leigh. It's funny... but too close to being true. Sad really. I once had a lady at Walmart tell me she wasn't allowed to say Merry Christmas. I said, "Well I don't work here so Merry Christmas."

    love
    sara

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Sara...I understand what the poor cashier felt like...I'm "encouraged" to say happy holidays rather than Merry Christmas where I work. But since I'm not a good little team player, I still say and type Merry Christmas. :D

      Hugs and Blessings...
      Cat

      Delete
  8. OH, THAT POOR WOMAN!!! Funny, but so sadly being an organizer for many parties, I see how true this really is. I have not broken down like in her last email, oh but boy I've been tempted! lol

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww Es May...you have my sincere sympathies. I would be tempted to lose my temper a lot sooner that poor Patty did! ;) Good luck if you have to organize any parties in the near future!

      Hugs and Blessings...
      Cat

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