Today

Today, I interviewed my grandmother for part of a research paper I'm working on for my Psychology class. When I asked her to define success in her own words, she said, "Success is when you look back at your life and the memories make you smile."

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Today, I asked my mentor - a very successful business man in his 70s- what his top 3 tips are for success. He smiled and said, "Read something no one else is reading, think something no one else is thinking, and do something no one else is doing."

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Today, after my 72 hour shift at the fire station, a woman ran up to me at the grocery store and gave me a hug. When I tensed up, she realized I didn't recognize her. She let go with tears of joy in her eyes and the most sincere smile and said, "On 9-11-2001, you carried me out of the World Trade Center."

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Today, after I watched my dog get run over by a car, I sat on the side of the road holding him and crying. And just before he died, he licked the tears off my face.

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Today at 7AM, I woke up feeling ill, but decided I needed the money, so I went in to work. At 3PM I got laid off. On my drive home I got a flat tire. When I went into the trunk for the spare, it was flat too. A man in a BMW pulled over, gave me a ride, we chatted, and then he offered me a job. I start tomorrow.

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Today, as my father, three brothers, and two sisters stood around my mother's hospital bed, my mother uttered her last coherent words before she died. She simply said, "I feel so loved right now. We should have gotten together like this more often."

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Today, I kissed my dad on the forehead as he passed away in a small hospital bed. About 5 seconds after he assed, I realized it was the first time I had given him a kiss since I was a little boy.

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Today, when I witnessed a 27-year-old breast cancer patient laughing hysterically at her 2-year-old daughter's antics, I suddenly realized that I need to stop complaining about my life and start celebrating it again.

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Today, a boy in a wheelchair saw me desperately struggling on crutches with my broken leg and offered to carry my backpack and books for me. He helped me all the way across campus to my class and as he was leaving he said, "I hope you feel better soon."

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Today, I was feeling down because the results of a biopsy came back malignant. When I got home, I opened an e-mail that said, "Thinking of you today. If you need me, I'm a phone call away." It was from a high school friend I hadn't seen in 10 years.

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Today, I was traveling in Kenya and I met a refugee from Zimbabwe. He said he hadn't eaten anything in over 3 days and looked extremely skinny and unhealthy. Then my friend offered him the rest of the sandwich he was eating. The first thing the man said was, "We can share it.”

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The best sermons are lived, not preached. 

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Retirement Options

Enjoy this fun giggle from Meredith's Jack!

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona  where…

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California  where...

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City  where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota  where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!”"

OR

You can retire to The Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everywhere is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Wisconsin where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?”

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind…even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Dancing Traffic Light

Click this link if you can't view the video.

Hope you enjoy!  🕺 💃

Gift for Mom

 

Enjoy your gift!

You WIll Make It!

 

 

Weekend

Dog For Sale…

Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Look at the picture and then read the sales pitch below.

  Dog For Sale . Free to good home. 

Excellent guard dog.

Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro anymore,
as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters
left in the neighborhood for him to eat. 

Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name…

Ho Lee Schitt.

Unique!

In Therapy

Leave it to a Marine!

Hope you enjoy this giggle from Meredith's Jack! 

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Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk with an  engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of the rescue helicopter crew and the ship's medical staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
 
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
 

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.

At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?”

The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
 

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear."

The Admiral threw him out as well.
 

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Navy Master Chiefs put together.

The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine.

“And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f*cking ear.”

Kick-off the Week

Hey y’all…I know I’ve been bad about replying to comments as well as very absent in visiting. Between work, family and my own head, I just can’t seem to get it all together.  I am trying and hope to do better in the near future.  I know, I’ve said it before… *sigh*

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Hope this kicks your week off with a good giggle…

Still Standing

Irish Giggles

Fun giggles from Meredith's Jack! Enjoy!!!

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Irish Confession

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him,"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."

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My Mother wanted me to be a priest…

Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

In the Woods

Two Indians and I

were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Indians

ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.





"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

he called into the cave and listened closely

until he heard an answering,

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!


He then tore off his clothes

and ran into the cave.



I was puzzled

and asked the remaining Indian

what it was all about.

"Was that Indian crazy or what?"




The Indian replied

"No, It is our custom during mating season

when Indian men see cave, they holler

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.

If they get an answer back,

it means there's a beautiful woman

in there waiting for us."



Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave,

stopped, and hollered,

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was the answer.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside.


He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.




I wandered around in the woods

alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.


As I looked in amazement at the size

of the huge opening, I was thinking,

"Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!

It's bigger than those the Indians found.

There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"


I stood in front of the opening

and hollered with all my might,

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"




Like the others, I then heard an answering call,

"WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"


With a gleam in my eye and a smile on my face,

I raced into the cave,

tearing off my clothes as I ran.




The following day, 

the headline of the local newspaper read...




NAKED NORWEGIAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!!!!!

Don’t feel bad…I did didn’t see it coming either.

Self!

 

Choose your words wisely! 

Valentine's Day 2018

 

Irishman’s First Drink with Son

Hope you enjoy this awesome giggle from Meredith's Jack! 

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An Irishman's first drink with his son!

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.


Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.


Then I got him a Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.


Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?

He didn't. I drank it.


I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!


In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky.

He wouldn't even smell it.


What could I do but drink it!

 
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

As I Get Older

Another giggle from Meredith's Jack! Enjoy!!!

As I get older, I realize:

#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

#2 - I consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.

#3 - I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

#4 - My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

#6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.

#7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.

#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then
come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.

#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.

#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini
vacation.

#13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.

#14 - I thought growing old would take longer.

#15 - Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.

#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age and doubt I’ll live that long…

Every Situation

Remembered!

 

BAD girl

The Butterfly

Too Early?

Negativity

3 Wedding Nights

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nice, nurses are known to be hot."

The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."

The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are too strict."

The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"



Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was "Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"




Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says,

"When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get it right!'"
 

Courtesy of BabaMail

You are Unique

How Many Letters Do You Have to Your Name, Sir?

Our awesome Faerie from faerie learns to fly is back! For those of you who haven't met her, go on over and say "hey"

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A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," the driver replies.
 
"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. 

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades."

"When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."

"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS."

"Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD."

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD."

"Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD."


Then the VD took away my dingaling . . . so now I'm just Fred."  


The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Courtesy of BabaMail

Reading the Millionaire’s Last Will

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

'To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,' the attorney reads.

'To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.'

'And finally,' the lawyer concludes, 'to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will.' 

'Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!'

Courtesy of BabaMail