Canned Milk

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.


The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with...'Carnation Milk is best of all.'


She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms.   I can do this! 


She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house.


A large man got out, knocked on her door and said,  "Ma'am, the president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry.   So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!"


He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.

Here it is:  


This was sent to me as a true story.  Have not verified it but either way, it is too funny!   
 

Flight Attendant in Mid Life Crisis

 

For those of you who can't view the video, here is the YouTube link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLXWXWhkLrM

This gal talks very fast and everyone is laughing so much, you might have to play it a few times in order to understand everything she says…but it is definitely worth it!     

More Hugs

 
Our lovely friend Blondie over at Blondie's Blog shared wonderful jpg regarding the power of Hugs.  I received the following which seems to go hand in hand with her post.  
 

The average length of a hug between two people is 3 seconds.  But researchers have discovered something fantastic.


When a hug lasts 20 seconds, there is a therapeutic effect on the body and mind. T he reason is that a sincere hug produces a hormone called "oxytocin", also known as the love hormone.  This substance has many benefits in our physical and mental health, helps us, among other things, to relax, to feel safe and calm our fears and anxiety.

This wonderful calming is offered free of charge every time we have a person in our arms, who cradled a child, we cherish a dog or cat, we're dancing with our partner, the closer we get to someone or just hold the shoulders of a friend.

Courtesy of The Facts Book

Sending lots of hugs to all!

Liebster Award?

I was nominated for the Liebster Award by Cali of His Rib Her Rock…Thank you Cali…I’ll get you later for this! LOL
 
I’m with Sunny…still haven’t figured out who Liebster is or what he/she has to do with blogging. 
 


Here are the rules:
1. Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog on your blog. Ummm…thank you?  Cali…I still love ya    Seriously, thank you...it was very sweet of you to think of me...I feel honored.
2. Display the award on your blog by including it in your post and / or displaying it using a "widget" or "gadget". done
3. Answer 11 questions about yourself which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you. I’ll put up the questions…not sure I’ll answer them all.
4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself. People…I’m not that interesting
5. Nominate 5 to 11 blogs you feel deserve this award, who have less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display the widget that lets readers know this information. Now…anyone that knows me, knows that I’m not big on following rules so you shouldn’t be surprised that this is not gonna happen.
6. Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer. Are you sure you want me to do this?
7. List these rules on your post.  Once you have written and published it, you then have to: Have to?  Really?  Ha!
8. Inform people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so they can learn about it (they might not have heard of it!)

Here are Cali’s questions:
1.  What kind of music do you listen to in the car?   I usually listen to classic rock and roll…the louder the better! And do you sing along? Oh yea, I sing along and dance while I’m driving! 

2.  Do you have an item of clothing that you love but your spouse/family hates? If I do, no one has been brave enough to tell me!     

3.  Favorite season? Spring…if it’s warm and there are no tornadoes and Fall if it’s not too wet and cold.

4.  Favorite movie? Too many to name just one...really depends on my mood.

5.  Strangest food you ever tried? Strangest by my terms or strangest by others?  I don’t consider rabbit, squirrel, ground hog or shark strange but others do.  I, however, do consider it strange that anyone would voluntarily eat fois gras…and pay high prices for it!  

6.  Least favorite chore about the house? Oh haven’t you heard…I’m allergic to housework and laundry and ironing and… That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!

7.  Do you have a hobby? I have several…blogging, reading, painting, attending auctions,  and making jewelry are the main ones.

8.  Favorite guilty pleasure? Nope…don’t feel guilty about anything I enjoy.

9.  Favorite vacation destination?  Several…I love New Orleans, love the Caribbean, love cruises and of course, love anywhere my grands are!    

10. Favorite thing to eat? food!  Oh you meant a favorite food?  Hmmm…nope can’t name just one…I love my veggies and seafood and bacon and chicken and fruit and....  Oh and if you start talking about types of food…Caribbean, Mexican, Italian, Chinese, good old fashioned Southern, and of course chocolate...DARK chocolate!!!!!!  Yup, I do love my food…and yes, the scales do reflect that.   

11.  What song takes you right back to high school?  How about what songs…here are just some I’ve heard on the radio the past few days that I can remember.

American Pie by Don McLean
School's Out by Alice Cooper
War by Edwin Starr
Get Ready by Rare Earth
My Ding-A-Ling by Chuck Berry
Let It Be by Beatles
Mama Told Me (Not To Come)by Three Dog Night
Make It With You by Bread
American Woman / No Sugar Tonight by Guess Who
School's Out by Alice Cooper
Saturday In The Park by Chicago actually, anything by Chicago
Bang A Gong (Get It On) by T. Rex
Morning Has Broken by Cat Stevens
The City Of New Orleans by Arlo Guthrie
Garden Party by Rick Nelson
Sunshine by Jonathan Edwards
Nights In White Satin by Moody Blues
Go All The Way by Raspberries
A Horse With No Name by America
If Loving You Is Wrong I Don't Want To Be Right by Luther Ingram
Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple
Tears Of A Clown by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles

These are just the ones I’ve heard on the radio the past few days that I can remember.  Ya think I like music?  LOL
 

Eleven random facts about me...
 

My mom gave me a cookbook for Christmas one year titled “Any Bitch can Cook” when you open it, you see this same definition!      
















































If a song comes on that I like, I have a tendency to dance and/or sing when I’m shopping in Wal-Mart or the grocery store.  My sons won’t walk with me when I do!














If any of you want to play along, you can take any to all of the following questions and answer them…either on your own blog, in the comments here or send them to me in an email and I will post them here as a guest blog.
Here are your questions:

1.  What celebrity do you resemble?
2.  What is one thing you swore you would never do....and did?
3.  How tall are you?
4.  What color underwear do you have on right now?
5.  If you could go back in time, where would you go?
6.  What's the funniest thing you've heard your spouse/partner say? 
7.  What animal would you be and why?
8.  Leather or wood?
9.  If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
10. Could you turn your phone off for 24 hours without a panic attack?
11. Scariest sound?

Good gravy!  Had forgotten how much time that took!  Thank you for the honor Cali...Love ya...but still owe you one!  LOL

Andy Rooney and Sex

I'll bet you never realized how naughty Andy Rooney was.  The following quotations never hit the airwaves but here they are just for you.
 
Too bad he’s not around anymore…

 

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....I  don't remember what I chose.


2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.


3. A wife is a sex object.  Every time you ask for sex, she objects.


4. Impotence:  nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."


5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.


6. Panties:  Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.


7. There are three stages in a man's life:  Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.


8. Virginity can be cured.


9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.


10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.


11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.


12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.


13. Question:  What's an Australian kiss?
    Answer:  The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.


14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.  He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.


15. Question:  What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
    Answer:  Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.


16. Question:  Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Answer:  Breasts don't have eyes.


17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!


For men who need a laugh and women with a good sense of humor.

Cats Steal!

 Our own Sunny over at Aimless Ramblings shared this video with me.  The title is "Jerk Cats Love Stealing Dog Beds" and is definitely worth watching.

This is a compilation of YouTube videos that has been put together by someone at Huff Post.  Hope you enjoy!  Thank you Sunny!


Here is the link if you can't get this video to play.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/13/jerk-cats-love-stealing-dog-beds_n_4093467.html


Have a great weekend!

Not the First

Aston Martin's advertisement for pre-owned cars…what did you think it was?  

The Honest Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Kansas...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
 
 
NAME:
James Goodwin.
 

SEX:
Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
 

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's President or Vice President.  But seriously, whatever's available.  If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
 

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
 

EDUCATION:
Yes.
 
 
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
 
SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.
 
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
 
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.
 
 
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
 

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
 

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
 

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
 

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?
 

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
 

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
 

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job no, on my breaks yes.
 

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
 

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Yes. Absolutely.
 

SIGN HERE:
Aries.
 

ROFLMBO! 

Who Told You Those Jeans Were OK?

Think a few of these are asking for something?  

Hmmm...wonder what that could be!   

The Hammer

In an Irish Courtroom, the judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"


The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"


The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

 
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry Your Honor, but for 15 years I've lived next door to that guy and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"

Did you know Chocolate is a Vegetable?

Just a bit of information for those of that of you have chocolate bunnies, eggs and other goodies that you and/or your children received for Easter. Or if you just happen to have chocolate around the house!

 
Chocolate is derived from cacao beans.    
Bean = vegetable.  

Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS.  Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. 
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. 





To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy product.  So candy bars are a health food. 


Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit; so eat as many as you want.


If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.


Problem:  How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution:  Eat it in the parking lot.


Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.  It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.


If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.  Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. (We're testing this with other snack foods as well.)


If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?  Don't they actually counteract each other?




Chocolate has many preservatives.  Preservatives make you look younger.  Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.


Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.  That way, at least you'll get one thing done.


A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.  Now, isn't that handy?


If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.  But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?


If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.  An entire garment industry would be devastated.  You can't let that happen, can you?

 
NEWS FLASH: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts."  So, to reverse being "stressed" . . . eat CHOCOLATE!!!

 

Courtesy of  ilyke.net

Happy Easter!!

I’m Candy Raindrop…how do you do! 






















Wishing everyone a fun and safe Easter holiday.

New Shoes

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day. 
 
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.
 
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
 
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.



Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
 
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?' 


Luigi answers,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'
 

 
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'




He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?'



Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,Luigi asks Carmela to dance.
 
Midway through the dance his face turns red... 
 
 
He states, 'Carmella, be stilla my heart.   Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight.  Please,please, tella me this true!' 
 
 
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...' 


 
 
Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God…I thought I had a crack in my $300 Armani leather shoes...!’

How to lose MASSIVE amounts of weight!

 
A guy calls a company and orders their 5 day/5 pounds weight loss program.
 
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
 
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.  The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
 
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.  A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up.  

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.  

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 pounds as promised. 
 

 
He calls the company and orders their 5 day/10 pounds program. 
 
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
 
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
 
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.  This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.  

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
 
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 pounds as promised. 
 
 
 
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/25 pounds program.
 
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.  "This is our most rigorous program."  "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
 
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine." 
 
 
He lost 33 pounds that week!    

Retirement Dinner

A  Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the  parish. 

 
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make  the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. 
 
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words  while they waited:
  
“I  got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.   I  thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The very first person who  entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when  questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.  He had stolen money  from his parents;  embezzled from his employer;  had an affair with  his boss’s wife;  had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous  occasions,  taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs;  was  arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister.  I was  appalled that one person could do so many awful things.   But as the days  went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come  to a fine parish full of good and loving people.” 
 
 
Just  as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at  being late.  

He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his  talk: 
 
“I’ll  never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the  politician.  “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to  him for confession.”
 

Moral:  Never, Ever, Ever Be Late!!!!     

Confusing Art

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. 
 
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.  Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. 
 
 
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. 
 
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 
 
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary  society'. 
 
 
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
 
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery, asked the couple?
 
'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied.  'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.  They're just three Irish coal miners.  The guy in the middle went home for lunch.’


ROFLMBO!!

Value of Catholic Education…

…and a pencil. 
 

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School.
 
Usually she slept through the class. 

 
 
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 
 
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?' 
 
 
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 
 
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie. 
 
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.


 
 
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

 
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. 
 
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. 
 
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie. 
 
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

 
 
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' 

 
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. 

 
 
This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!' 

 
 
The nun fainted!
 

Instructions

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.  He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question.  When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked,  "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde goes to the hospital.  "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong,  I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The Doctor takes a look, chuckles and says "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards then backwards, forward then backwards, again and again. 
 

Back and forth, back and forth...And, in and out, in and out...And, a little to the right, a little to the left... 

 
She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end. 
 
 
Her heart was pounding...Her face was flushed...Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder. 
 

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "OK, OK!   So I can't parallel park!   You do it, you smug bastard!"

Ear Infection

This is so true!  They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

 

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

 

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 

 

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

 

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

 

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

 

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

 

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

 

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.  You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

 

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

 

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

 

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

 

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

 

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.  ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

 

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

 

 

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

 

Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.

 

YOU KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING!