Best Comeback Responses

Number 1
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer 's credibility…

Q: 'Officer…did you see my client fleeing the scene? '

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away. '
 
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description? '

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene. '

 
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? '

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life. '

 
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? '

A: 'Yes sir, we do! '

 
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room? '

A: 'Yes, sir, I do. '

 
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker? '

A: 'Yes, sir. '

 
Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers? '

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. '

 
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.  The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year 's 'Best Comeback ' line…and we think he 'll win.

 
Number 2
Now We Know Why He Was a General…

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God 's function...OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

 



Number 3
Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?

"Oh, no ma 'am, we don 't go there to talk.







 

Number 4
Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.

Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace.  Identify yourself.'  

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft.  I am in Iraqi airspace.'  

Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace.  If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'  


Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter.  Send 'em up, I'll wait!'  

Air Defense Site: (... total silence)

Hard to pick which one is best! 

Update from Queenie

Hello, my blogland family and friends. I hope everyone is enjoying their summer so far. I know the last update about me was not very happy, so I wanted all of you who have been so very kind in sending your thoughts and prayers to know that I am still here and I am doing better.

This has been and continues to be a roller coaster ride. Some days, I'm up and feeling fine and I'm absolutely convinced that I am on the mend and I will beat this, no question. Unfortunately, the very next day, I may be down and feeling so sickly and tired I can barely get out of bed and I'm convinced that I will not beat this thing and my death is not so distant.

The other problem is that I can't see the finish line. Unlike other unpleasant things I've been through in my life, this time I can't tell myself to just do this, just endure, for X amount of time and then it will be over and I can get on with my usual life. I get so tired sometimes, physically, spiritually and mentally. Do I have enough endurance? I have a different answer from day to day, even moment to moment. I try very hard to live in the day. I can't think too hard about things or look too far ahead or I get overwhelmed. I keep my head down and live for the day I'm in.

I am trying some different therapies and I'm cautiously optimistic. I am seeing some improvements in some areas, no question. I have more good days than bad days and I'm praying that this a trend that will continue. Maybe, just maybe, I have found the right combination of things that will work for ME. Time will tell.

As always, I want to thank Cat for being so generous as to share her blog with me. She is always sending blessings, I say SHE is the blessing and I'm grateful and honored to call her friend. Again, many thanks to all of you who have been so supportive and kind to me. Your prayers and well wishes carry me through on those bad days when I can't do it on my own. I hope all of you are richly blessed in return.

So, on a less serious note, allow me to try and give YOU a grin or two. You may be having a less than wonderful day, but at least, THIS hasn't happened!!

Love,
Queenie
 
When It's Okay To use a 4-letter Word...
 
We’ll let you choose which 4-letter word to use…might want to use a different for each picture.  Of course, feel free to share your choices with us. 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Thank you Queenie for the update and the giggles.  So happy to hear from you!   

The Small Brown Bottle

The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

 

The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.

 

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

 

Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.

 

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

 

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!"

 

So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"

 

Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care though, because; they aren’t very friendly there anyway!!! 

The Chicken Gun

The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share!  (Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!)
 
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
 
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.  Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. 
 
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
 
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of their experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
 
NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken."    
 
I don’t know if this is actually true or not but sure is funny.

Warning Signs

Some people are just too stubborn to heed warning signs which can be frustrating.
So maybe putting up warning signs written in a different way will work.  What do you think?
 
The only reason for this sign is to test people’s stupidity. 
I’m betting that most people who read this sign walk up and test the edges.

Source: www.deviantart.com
 
At first you think they are concerned about you but as you read, you realize it's the animals they are concerned about.

Source: zoo-tails.blogspot.com
 
Love it!  Wonder how many people will quote this ‘fact’ to someone as truth?

Source: www.reddit.com
 
Think I’d stay away even if he does take his meds.

Source: www.quotesonimages.com
 
Hmmm…this one could backfire on you if the parents are frustrated.

Source: twitter.com
 
How much are ya gonna ask for me and what is my cut?

Source: www.thevine.com.au
 
And what else would you think it is?

Source: imgfave.com
 
They’ll actually just cause you to trip over what you can’t see.

Source: www.thevine.com.au
 
Just ewwww…

Source: www.reddit.com
 
Oh good gravy…pull the stick out of your butt…who cares.

Source: www.reddit.com
 
Gotta wonder where this sign is posted.

Source: angrytorro.com
 
Ummm…possibility of sharks in pool will keep me out.

Source: www.collegeenvy.com
 
So why do I care about the fine?

Source: www.notinjersey.com

Courtesy of Viralands

A Poem That Was Us

 

A little house with three bedrooms,
One bathroom and one car on the street
A mower that you had to push
To make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall
We only had one phone,
And no need for recording things,
Someone was always home.

We only had a living room
Where we would congregate,
Unless it was at mealtime
In the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms
Or extra rooms to dine.
When meeting as a family
Those two rooms would work out fine.

We only had one TV set
And channels maybe two,
But always there was one of them
With something worth the view

For snacks we had potato chips
That tasted like a chip.
And if you wanted flavor
There was Lipton's onion dip.

Store-bought snacks were rare because
My mother liked to cook
And nothing can compare to snacks
In Betty Crocker's book.

Weekends were for family trips
Or staying home to play
We all did things together -
Even go to church to pray.

When we did our weekend trips
Depending on the weather,
No one stayed at home because
We liked to be together.

Sometimes we would separate
To do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were
Without our own cell phone.

Then there were the movies
With your favorite movie star,
And nothing can compare
To watching movies in your car.

Then there were the picnics
at the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch and find some trees
And never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together
With all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball -
And no game video.

Remember when the doctor
Used to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance
Or a lawyer to defend.

The way that he took care of you
Or what he had to do,
Because he took an oath and strived
To do the best for you.

Remember going to the store
And shopping casually,
And when you went to pay for it
You used your own money?

Nothing that you had to swipe
Or punch in some amount,
And remember when the cashier person
Had to really count?

The milkman used to go
From door to door,
And it was just a few cents more
Than going to the store.

There was a time when mailed letters
Came right to your door,
Without a lot of junk mail ads
Sent out by every store.

The mailman knew each house by name
And knew where it was sent;
There were not loads of mail addressed
To "present occupant"

There was a time when just one glance
Was all that it would take,
And you would know the kind of car,
The model and the make.

They didn't look like turtles
Trying to squeeze out every mile;
They were streamlined, white walls, fins
And really had some style.

One time the music that you played
Whenever you would jive,
Was from a vinyl, big-holed record
Called a forty-five.

The record player had a post
To keep them all in line
And then the records would drop down
And play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then,
Just like we do today
And always we were striving,
Trying for a better way.

Oh, the simple life we lived
Still seems like so much fun,
How can you explain a game,
Just kick the can and run?

And why would boys put baseball cards
Between bicycle spokes
And for a nickel, red machines
Had little bottled Cokes?

This life seemed so much easier
Slower in some ways
I love the new technology
But I sure do miss those days.

So time moves on and so do we
And nothing stays the same,
But I sure love to reminisce
And walk down memory lane.

With all today's technology
We grant that it's a plus!
But it's fun to look way back and say,
HEY LOOK, GUYS, THAT WAS US!

I received this in an email but have no clue who the author is.  Any of my smart blogland friends know?

Truth is Stranger

Sometimes things that really happen are funnier than stuff made up:
When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch.
 
What they did take, however, was a white box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.)
 
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.
 
Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars:

"Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

 
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The white box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.
 
Scotch taped to the box was this note which said:

"Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."

And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts.

In the Men’s Room

In the men's room, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.
 

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows...he used about 20 paper towels before he finished.

He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Nebraska and they taught us to be sanitary."

 
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

 
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Iowa and they taught us not to pee on our hands." 

Dumb and Dumber

You will chuckle as you read this…because as stupid as it may sound, this is exactly what we do!
 
GOD to ST. FRANCIS:
Frank you know all about gardens and nature.  What in the world is going on down there on the planet?  What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago?   I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan.  Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon.  The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds.  I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now.  But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.  The Suburbanites.  They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.


GOD:
Grass?  But, it's so boring. It's not colorful.  It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures.  Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord.  They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.  They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.


GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.  That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord.  As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.


GOD:
They cut it?  Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord.  Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.


GOD:
They bag it?  Why?  Is it a cash crop?  Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No Sir, just the opposite.  They pay to throw it away.


GOD:
Now, let me get this straight.  They fertilize grass so it will grow.  And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes Sir.


GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.  That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord.  When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.


GOD:
What nonsense.  At least they kept some of the trees.  That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.  The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.  In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord.  The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle.  As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.


GOD:
No!?  What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch.  They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.


GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.


 
GOD:
Enough!  I don't want to think about this anymore.  St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts.  What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about...

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

Gardening with Grandma

Here’s another joke courtesy of our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong.  I also received it from two vanilla friends…have to wonder what that says about me!  
 
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
 

The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.  You gotta let your rose buds show!'   And out she goes…

 
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and her grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. 


She explains to her grandmother that  she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

 
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie.  If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

 
Don't mess with a Senior Citizen!