Speech

IMHO, this is some very wise advice that was shared on Facebook but since I’m not Facebook friends with all y’all, I decided to share it here…
 
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school.  He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. 

 
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it! 
 
Rule 2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem.  The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. 
 
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.  You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. 
 
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. 
 
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.  Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity. 
 
Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. 
 
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.  They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were.  So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. 
 
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT.   In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.  This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. 
 
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters.  You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.  Do that on your own time. 
 
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. 
 
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds.  Chances are you'll end up working for one. 


 

Courtesy of Facts that will blow your mind

 

Shopping

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.


The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. (Oops...that tone of voice)

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. (Not a good idea for the ladies I know!)


 
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price." (Oops!)



On the PA system: "CLEAN UP, on aisle 25, we have a husband down!"
 

Courtesy of Cop Humor

Ladies...do not try this when shopping with your husband!!!! And if you do...keep my name out of it!  LOL

 

Zombie Proof Homes

I recently received 2 different emails with the following information regarding how to protect yourself from zombies. 

They brought to mind a recent post from our friend Rogue from Rogue’s Awakening regarding the “dark, scary bitch” she works with. Rogue is convinced that this woman is gonna be the very first zombie. You can read the complete story here. 

Meanwhile…Rogue, and anyone else in fear of zombies, this is for you!

Underground


In the Ocean


Hidden in Plain Sight


In a Castle


Never Gonna Get In!


Some Call it Paradise


Zombies Can’t Climb


Not Built Yet But it will be Awesome!


It Comes With Weapons


Zombies Can’t Swim

Anti-Zombie Tools

Household Items

Survival Kit Essentials

Sugar and Power Up

An Armored Car is Essential


Common Garden Tools


So You Know How Many Minutes You Have til the End of the World!


DO NOT Breath Zombie Breath!


Keep this Chart Handy!


Maybe Zombies Can Not Open Spam Cans!

Courtesy of lolspots

In case of zombie...keep this link handy!  LOL

Sex and Mother Nature

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (heheheheeee!!!! OMG!!!) 


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.  I'm still not over the pig!) 



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?) 


The flea can jump 350 times its body length.  It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes…Lucky pig!  Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig... quality over quantity.)


Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)


A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)


Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig?!?  Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Courtesy of Anyone Can Be Cool, But Awesome Takes Practice

Keep Being You!

Wonderful way to start the week!

 

Where Did it Go

I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.  At one point she said, “Mommy, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers.


Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Mommy’s gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.


When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.


I said, “What’s wrong, honey?”

...
...
...
...
...

She replied, “What happened to my booger?”

Courtesy of   Anyone Can Be Cool, But Awesome Takes Practice

Been there done that! LOL

 

Face Lift

An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift.
 
He says "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years." 
 
 

The old lady says "Well tell me about them."
 
The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."
She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one." 
 
 

He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years." 
 
The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one." 
 
 

The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw."
 
The lady is delighted and has the surgery. 

 
 

About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!" 
 
 
The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a mustache."
 

ROFLMBO!


Want to read some awesome stories by some of our wonderful blogland authors?  Don’t forget about the Spank or Treat blog hop…click here or on the sidebar button to go directly to the main page with a listing of all participating authors!
 
Wishing you a wonderful weekend!

Metrics

Courtesy of ilyke.net

Seriously?!? 

The Note

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
 
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.  It was addressed, 'Dad'. 
 
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
 
 
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.  I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.  She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.  She's pregnant.  Stacy said that we will be very happy.  She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.  We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.  We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.  She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.  Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S.  Dad, none of the above is true.  I'm over at Jason's house.  I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.  Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Courtesy of  Anyone Can Be Cool, But Awesome Takes Practice

ROFLMBO!   Ya gotta love a creative kiddo! 

Spank or Treat 2013!

IF THE BROOMSTICK FITS, RIDE IT!!!  
 
Do you like spanking stories, prizes, and Halloween? Do you miss the days when kids came to your door asking for candy, or when you were young enough to do the trick-or-treating? You’re in luck! Spank or Treat 2012 was so much fun that we’ve brought you a bigger and better collective short story extravaganza for 2013.  It’s trick-or-treating for adults, and we do mean adults!

Want to become a Spank or Treat ambassador and earn an extra prize entry? See below!
Even better, participation could earn you a GRAND PRIZE!

• Kindle Fire or Nook HD (winner’s choice)!
  (donated by Blushing Books)
• $100 gift certificate to LazyDay
  (donated by LazyDay Publishing)
• $50 gift certificate to Blushing Books(donated by Blushing Books)
• $20 gift certificate to Amazon!
  (donated by Stormy Night Publications)
• Custom-made Spank or Treat paddle*!
  (donated by Blondie’s Place)
  *Available to US and Canada participants only
• Six-month membership to Discipline and Desire!
  (donated by Discipline and Desire)
• Book Bundle from Decadent Publishing
  (Donated by Decadent Publishing)

• Pre-publication consultation of a manuscript up to 15K(donated by Wizards in Publishing)

Plus, all Spank or Treaters are eligible for free books!

• Holding Hannah, by Maren Smith
  Available to the first 50 participants!

• Love’s Reprise, by Cassandre Dayne, Lucy Felthouse, Olivia Starke, Kate Richards, and Anastasia Vitsky

• Coming to Terms, by Cara Bristol, Jade Cary, Alta Hensley, Celeste Jones, Sue Lyndon, Renee Rose, and Anastasia VitskyAvailable to ALL participants who complete the Spank or Treat 2013 challenge!

Many authors will also be offering a contest on their individual blogs.  Your comment on their blogs automatically enters you in both the main contest and the individual contests!
What’s the catch?  Absolutely nothing!  We love writing for you and want to thank you for your readership.  Perhaps someone might get a spanking or two, but that’s a reward rather than a catch, right? 
Here are the rules:

1. Visit each blog between the Friday, October 25th and Sunday, October 27th to read the posted stories and excerpts.
2. Leave a comment answering the story question on each blog.  You will receive one entry per blog for the grand prize drawing.  You will also be automatically entered in that author’s individual contest, if she has one.
3. If you have visited all of the blogs, visit Ana’s blog to sign up for FIVE bonus entries to the grand prize.
   Deadline is midnight EDT (UTC -4) on October 27th!!
4. If you successfully completed the Spankee Doodle, Love Spanks, or last year’s Spank or Treat 2012 challenge, you may add “VIP” to your comments.  You will earn THREE bonus entries toward the grand prize.  (Yes, we will be doing this again.  Yes, if you successfully complete the Spank or Treat challenge you can become a VIP for our next activity!)
5. Visit any of the participating blogs on Thursday, October 31st to find out the lucky winners.  Will it be you?

Like these events? Want to support your friendly spanking fiction authors? Become a Spank or Treat Ambassador! In exchange for promoting this event, you will receive one extra prize entry, AND you are still eligible to participate and win prizes! To find out the details, send an email to ana_stasia2007 at yahoo dot com, with the subject line “Spank or Treat Ambassador”.

For more information, updates, and a list of participating authors, please visit Anastasia Vitsky’s blog.
Like Spank or Treat on Facebook!

Tweet #spankortreat on Twitter!

Praise for Answered Prayers

At the end of his sermon the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation wanted to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, was in a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

A muffled gasp arose from the men in the congregation as the thought of the pain poor Phil must have experienced sank in.

"Phil was hurt so badly that he couldn't even hold me or the kids," Suzie continued. "Every movement caused terrible pain. We prayed when his doctors performed the delicate operation required to repair the extensive damage. Luckily they were able to piece the crushed and broken remnants of Phil's scrotum together and wrap it in wire to hold everything in place."

Again, the male half of the congregation squirmed uncomfortably, cringing at the thought of what Phil went through.

"Today," Suzie announced in a quivering voice, "Thanks to the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital. His doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

A great sigh of relief arose from the pews. The shaken pastor stood and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He looked around the congregation and said, "I'm Phil." The entire assembly held its collective breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

Courtesy of RandomlyFunnyStuff

Monday

Life’s Little Instructions

Courtesy of  FactsThatWillBlowYourMind

Shopping

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, Ca. was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 
 
 
Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. 
 
 
He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. 
 
 
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. 
 
 
The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. 
 
 
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. 
 
 
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. 

 

 

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
 

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.
 





FYI…Linda is blonde 



ROFLMBO!
 

Unlucky Thief

Can we say ouch!  Paybacks are an *itch with a capital B!

ROFLMBO!

Chalk

I'm going to start carrying chalk with me everywhere. This may be my new favorite thing to do and I believe I first saw it here.

Courtesy of ilyke.net

I am definitely gonna carry chalk with me!  Put it on my shopping list so that I can get some next time I go to Wal-Mart or the Dollar Store. 

If you get some, make sure you get the large ‘sidewalk’ chalk! 

Sex and Relationships

OMG!  Seriously?!?  Definitely agree with the commenter…that man sure does not look happy.        

Maybe he needs to step up and...

Good Friends

Was on a call with several friends today and we cracked ourselves up talking about bras (don't ask)...then I open my email and another friend had sent the following...

Now tell me...just how could I resist posting?  

ROFLMBO!

Always Hope

  Officer Kevin Briggs talks down suicidal man (1st photo), he talks to Kevin Berthia for 60 minutes before he finally agrees to climb back over the railings.

2nd photo:  A full 8 years later, Berthia (now married with two kids) presents officer Briggs with an award at an American Foundation for suicide.

Courtesy of Facts that will blow your mind

Just goes to show that no matter what is going on in your life, there is always hope in life!          

Learning Physics

If you are unable to get the video to play, click here to see the video on YouTube.

Enjoy!

Oh Yeah!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have a wonderful weekend!  ;-)

 



Inner Peace

 

 

ROFLMBO and enjoyin my dirk choclutz!