Wise Words

1. Never take things personally.

2. Never end a relationship by text message or voice mail.

3. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.

4. Show up.

5. Always use “we” when referring to your home team or  your government.

6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.

7. Never cancel dinner plans by text message.

8. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

9. Don’t dumb it down.

10. You only get one chance to notice a new haircut.

11. If you’re staying more than one night, unpack.

12. Never park in front of a bar.

13. Expect the seat in front of you to recline. Prepare accordingly.

14. Keep a picture of your first fish, first car and first girl/boyfriend.

15. Hold your heroes to a high standard.

16. Don’t text and drive.

17. Never lie to your doctor.

18. All guns are loaded.

19. Don’t mention sunburns. Believe me they know.

20. The best way to show thanks is to wear it. Even if it’s only once.

21. Take a vacation off of  your cell phone, internet and TV once a year.

22. Don’t fill up on bread, no matter how good.

23. A handshake beats an autograph.

24. Don’t linger in the doorway. In or out.

25. If you do something, do it with passion or not at all.

26. If you want to know what makes you unique, sit for caricature.

27. Never get your hair cut the day of a special event.

28. Be mindful of what comes between you and the Earth. Always buy good shoes, tires.

29. Never eat lunch at your desk if you can avoid it.

30. When you’re with new friends, don’t just talk about old friends.

31. Eat lunch with new kids.

32. When traveling, keep your wits about you.

33. It’s never too late for an apology.

34. Don’t pose with booze.

35. If you have the right of way. Take it.

36. You don’t get to choose your own nickname.

37. When you marry someone, remember you marry their entire family.

38. Never push someone off a dock.

39. Under no circumstances should you ask  a woman if she is pregnant.

40. It’s not enough to be proud of your ancestry, live up to it.

41. Don’t make a scene.

42. When giving a thank you speech, short and sweet is the best.

43. Know when to ignore the camera.

44. Never gloat.

45. Invest in great luggage.

46. Make time for your mom on your birthday. It’s her special day too.

47. When opening presents, no one likes a good guesser.

48. Sympathy is a crutch, never fake a limp.

49. Give credit. Take blame.

50. Suck it up every now and again.

51. Give your seat up to the elderly.

52. Don’t stare.

53. Address everyone that carries a firearm professionally.

54. Stand up to bullies.You’ll only have to do it once.

55. If you’ve made your point, stop talking.

56. Admit it when you’re wrong.

57. If you offer to help don’t quit until the job is done.

58. Look people in the eye when you thank them.

59. Thank the bus driver.

60. Never answer the phone at the dinner table.

61. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.

62. Know at least one good joke.

63. Don’t boo. Even the ref is somebody’s son.

64. Know how to cook one good meal.

65. Learn to swim.

66. Be cool to younger kids. Reputations are built over a lifetime.

67. It’s ok to go to the movies by yourself.

68. Dance with your mother/father.

69. Don’t lose your cool. Especially at work.

70. Always thank the host.

71. If you don’t understand, ask before it’s too late.

72. Know the size of your husband’s/wife’s clothes.

73. There is nothing wrong with plain t-shirt.

74. Be a good listener. Don’t just take your turn to talk.

75. Keep your word.

76. Fight for what matters.

77. Carry your mother’s bags. She carried you for nine months.

78. Be patient with airport security. They are just doing their job.

79. Don’t be the talker in the movie.

80. The opposite sex like people who shower.

81. You are what you do. Not what you say.

82. Learn to change a tire.

83. Be kind. Everyone has a hard fight ahead of them.

84. An hour with grandparents is time well spent.

85. Don’t litter.

86. If you have a sister, get to know her boyfriend. Your opinion is important.

87. You won’t always be the strongest or the fastest but you can be the toughest.

88. Never call someone before 9 AM or after 9PM.

89. Stay in shape.

90. Make the little things count.

91. Always wear a bra at work.

92. There is a fine line between looking sultry and slutty. Find it.

93. You’re never too old to need your mom.

94. Count your blessings.

95. Know the words to your national anthem.

96. Your dance moves might not be the best, but I promise making a fool of yourself is more fun than sitting on the bench alone. 

 97. Smile at strangers.

98. Make goals.

99. Being old is not dictated by your bedtime.

100. Pray!

Source Unknown

Courtesy of  Lessons Learned in Life

A slightly different version (no text references) was shared with me years ago and I had lost it.  Was so happy to receive this version from a friend.

They Want to be Paid for That?

I was an instructor at an adult education center.  In addition to teaching classes in basic math and writing, I also helped students job search.

A great clerical opportunity came up one day for a woman in my class.  It sounded like a done deal, but they needed her to fax them her resume and cover letter.  I gave her documents a quick proofread and then sent her to the fax room.


Thirty minutes later, when she hadn't come back to class, I went looking for her.

She was still in the fax room, but now she was visibly upset. 'YOU SAID I practically had the job. YOU SAID they just wanted my resume. SO WHY DO THEY KEEP SENDING IT BACK?!'


Turns out she thought a fax machine was like a paper teleporter and she felt extremely insulted that her papers kept coming back out of the machine.


In the 30 minutes since I'd left her in the fax room, she'd sent her cover letter and resume at least 15 times.


She did not get the job.  (Source)
Surprised?

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My dad called me up and asked where he could get additional fonts for his computer.

Before explaining about Google, Adobe, or free fonts, I decided to clarify. 'What type of font are you looking for?'

Dad: 'Well I just need a bigger font to make a sign at work, but the largest I have is 72pt and I think I need 150pt. Where can I download that?'


I'm glad I clarified.


Dad was so impressed that he could just click into that little window and set the font to a larger size.


Neither my Dad, his boss, or other employees knew that was possible. (Source)

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Had to teach a 32-year-old woman how to make an upper case character on a keyboard.  (Source)

Seriously?!!!!!

Go Back to Grade School

I had a roommate in college, very smart, that was studying biology.

One day I was in the kitchen eating a handful of nuts.

She asked why and I said something like 'Well I was craving protein as a snack, but we didn't have any cheese.'


She gave me the strangest look and was like, 'No....protein is only in meat like chicken and beef. It's not in nuts, it's not in cheese. Cheese is dairy. Nuts are...well nuts.'

I tried to convince her, but she was adamant that protein was only animal meats.

This still confuses and bothers me to this day. How does she think vegans and vegetarians get protein?  (Source)

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A guy found out there were sanitary waste bins in the women's bathrooms for disposing of tampons etc., and he said 'ewww, why can't you just do that at home?'

I had to explain that women can't switch menstruation on and off at will.

Also he is a medical student!   (Source)

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I occasionally have to sit with a college science student the first day of lab and show them how to use a ruler.

Once had a student who was shocked to learn that 'The Sun is a star?!?!? Wait, does that mean there are other Suns somewhere?'

They also got a rather incredulous look on their face when I talked about the Moon revolving around the Earth, seasonality, etc.

They seemed to be operating on a pre-Copernican or folklore version of astronomy.   (Source)

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My old college roommate woke up me up one morning to ask if you had to flip bacon.

I had to get out of bed to show him how.

No self-respecting southerner should ever have to ask how to make bacon!!!!!    (Source)

The Request

Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years hasn’t sent a giggle for a while so was very happy to get this very funny one.    Hope you enjoy!  

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An old priest lay dying.
 
He sent a message for an Australian Tax Office collector and his Lawyer to come to the hospital.
 

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.

As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
 

For a time, no one said anything.
 

Both the tax collector and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
 
They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
 

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here?”
 
 
The old priest mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go.”   

The Concept of Time Zones

I used to work for a huge tech company and one of the vendors hired people so slow and stupid, they must have been exploring whole new concepts of the term 'warm body.'

One case was when our Washington DC connection to our UK offices in Bristol was down.
 
The tech said they took those connections offline for 'unscheduled planned maintenance.'  (first hint of an idiot)

I gave my retort that those were critical lines and the contract stated critical lines required 24 hour notice.


'Well, it's 4am, no one is at work anyway.'

'Uh, it's 10am in Bristol. No one can work.'


'Right, because it's dark outside.'

'No, it's late morning there. It is daytime and people have been at work for an hour now.'


'They work at 4am?'

'No, they work 9-4. But they can't work without the connection to our DC Offices. They are in a different time zone!'


'But it's dark outside! It's 4am in the morning. Go look!'

'It's dark HERE!! Not THERE! The sun is up there! They are 6 hours ahead of us!'


'Sir, now, how can the sun be up somewhere else? There is only one sun, okay?'


Finally I told that idiot to get a manager, a flashlight and a round object so this could be explained to him.  (Source)

Fussy Judge...

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them.



He asked if they had a license and when they said they didn't, he sent them off to get one. 
 

They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him.
 

When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in wrong…with his where hers belonged and vice versa.
 
They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.


 

This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they caught the clerk...and after five reissued licenses, the judge was finally satisfied.

 


Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards." 
 
Groom: "That's funny…that's just what the clerk called you."

Oops!

Labor Day 2016

Simplified explanation of Labor Day…

Labor Day in the United States is a public holiday celebrated on the first Monday in September.  It honors the American labor movement and the contributions that workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of the country.  It is the Monday of the long weekend known as Labor Day Weekend and it is considered the unofficial end of summer. (Wikipedia)

To Be…

Quickie Pad Thai

Hey y’all…I was speaking with Minelle the other day and telling her about this recipe…I thought I had shared it but guess I hadn’t.  Then it struck me…it’s been a while since I shared any recipes.  So here’s a very quick, easy and forgiving recipe.

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Ingredients

• 1 packet Ramen noodles
• 1 egg
• ½ cup cooked peas
• ¼ cup chopped green onions
• 1 teaspoon chopped peanuts
• 1 lime wedge
• 1 clove minced garlic
• ⅛ teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
• ¼ cup chicken stock
• ½ cup pre-shredded coleslaw mix (green cabbage, purple cabbage, carrots)

           OR

• ¼ cup sliced carrots
• ¼ cup shredded cabbage
• ¼ cup chopped cilantro

Sauce

• 1 tablespoon peanut butter
• ⅛ cup soy sauce
• 1 tablespoon Go Chu Jang sauce
• 1 teaspoon lime juice

Instructions

1. Fill a pot with water and cook the Ramen noodles according to package directions…toss the seasoning packet.
2. Add all of the sauce ingredients to a bowl and whisk together until smooth
3. Strain the noodles, put them back in the pot
4. Add the sauce and toss noodles until they are well coated
5. Heat a frying pan and scramble the egg
6. Add egg to the noodles
7. Add the peas, green onion and chopped peanuts.
8. Toss well.
9. Pour out on plate, top with cabbage, carrots and cilantro
10. Serve with lime wedge.

Notes

• This makes one large serving or two smaller servings if using as a side dish.
• Can easily be doubled, tripled or quadrupled.
• I use low sodium soy sauce.
• I use creamy peanut butter but you could very easily use crunchy.
• I use frozen peas instead of canned.
• I have used Siracha Sauce rather than Go Chu Jang but use a teaspoon rather than tablespoon.
• I have used Gluten Free Rice Ramen Noodle.
• I have also used Thai Rice noodles when I was out of Ramen Noodles but since they are so much thinner, it does change the texture a bit.
• I have used cashews instead of peanuts which, in my opinion, gives it a richer flavor.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.  As always, if you try the recipe, I would love any feedback you care to give.

The Importance of Walking

Walking a mile a day can add months to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an additional five months of life in a nursing home at $6,955 per month.





I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I took up walking is to hear heavy breathing again. 

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.


Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.


Yet another advantage of exercising every day is that when you die, they'll say, “He looks good doesn't he?”


If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
 
 
 
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads and our brains have to grow to hold it all.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

 
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pub with a Happy Hour.  By the time I leave, I look just fine.

 

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For those of you who have been asking and/or are curious, I have posted some new artwork.  You can view it by clicking on the ‘My Artwork’ link in the upper sidebar.  NOTE: The newest pieces are on the bottom of the page.