AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas :
There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos.
During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as
opposed to cash.
Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win.
Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the
Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting.
Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and
makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.
And he, of course, is known as…
The Chip Monk. 
Shhhh... This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about Catholic rituals and top secret code words, the better off they are. If a non-Catholic receives this, please feel free to share.
LOL
Oh good golly,Miss Molly! I snorted myself right off the sofa! I am a recovering Catholic. I like the receipt, lol, and ths receipt...lol, mumblr, mumble,mumble AAAAAAAAAA-MENNNNNNNNNNNNN, the incense....oh, Lordy! Better stop :-P Thanks, Cat!
ReplyDeleteOh my, off the sofa? Hope you had a soft landing June.
DeleteMy mother is a devout Catholic and she is not amused when I say I was a Catholic until I reached the age of reason. LOL
You can come back anytime for more snorting and giggles.
Hugs and Blessings,
Cat
Wonderful Cat! The relics! LOL God bless the relics and the pews of eternal torture. My kids would be under them, upside down on them, wiggling and twisting and that was in the 15 minutes before they went out to Sunday school.
ReplyDeletecute post
hugs
lillie
LOL Lillie - your kids sound very normal to me. :D
DeleteGlad you enjoyed the post.
Hugs and Blessings,
Cat
I don't want to be a Relic! Going to Mass every day during Lent is what caused me to know it I swear!
ReplyDeleteThe Processional one had me LOL...Barney too. And the Ushers I love how the try and jam more people in the pew with little kids because the Relic won't move her felt hat off of the pew beside her.
Thanks Cat
Never, ever gonna be a Relic Willie? LOL
DeleteHow about the Relic that has the HUGE hat on and the ENORMOUS carpet bag for a purse on the pew beside her. ;)
Blessings,
Cat
Holy water.... Oh my word! I never want to bless myself! I wonder if they tested the water what they would discover about it's contents. I could say a few other things since I still go to church but I may be accused of irreverent thoughts.
ReplyDeleteNo matter what happened when testing the water, the would just say that they blessings will keep you safe. ;) Irreverent thoughts Minelle - I have them all the time - just call me smart a$$ will travel. ;)
DeleteBlessings,
Cat
I know, right, Minelle...it's the only water ever that has texture.
DeleteAnd you're not just referring to the darn chunks of sponge floating in it either are ya June. :)
DeleteThis is great Cat, I love the bulletin and relics. The hymn had be giggling - so true, and sometimes painful! Lol
ReplyDeleteThanks for Sharing :)
Hugs
Roz
So happy you enjoyed them Roz. Yup, depending on who's singing, the hymns can get very painful. :)
DeleteHugs and Blessings,
Cat
Oh I'm a sometimes-going catholic.
ReplyDeleteand all of these had me in stitches! I'm gonna email them to BIKSS now.
Glad you enjoyed them Fondles, hope BIKSS does also. :)
DeleteBlessings,
Cat
Our doggie even knows AMEN. It means: Stand up from your place, run to the table, and clean the floor from anything they may have spilled!
ReplyDeleteROFL Bas! Your Unique has got to be just awesome. Thanks for sharing. :)
DeleteBlessings,
Cat
LOL...I got most of these and learned a few things along the way. :)
ReplyDeleteGlad you enjoyed them. Always happy to further your education Susie. :)
DeleteBlessings,
Cat
lol!
ReplyDeleteThese aren't just Catholic, though. They apply to a good deal of Protestant faiths as well.
I remember bringing a bulletin to prove that I attended church. too. :D
LOL Ana - 'See - here's my ticket stub - I did attend church'. :D
DeleteBlessings,
Cat
Snort! Lol! Thanks for the laughs, Cat. And, I promise I won't "tell" unless I share. ;-)
ReplyDeleteAnother snort? You and June *shaking head*. :D Happy you enjoyed them. Share away... ;)
DeleteBlessings,
Cat
I loved the bulletin as the receipt. Raised a catholic and remember getting one of those receipts every week and on 8 other days of the year.
ReplyDeleteLOL Sunny - does bring back some memories doesn't it. ;)
DeleteBlessings,
Cat