Never Mess With an Engineer!

Why You Should Never Mess With an Engineer.  This Is Priceless.
 
After every flight, FEDEX pilots fill out a form, known as a ‘gripe sheet’ to tell mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix the problem, and then document their repairs on the form.
 
Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by the pilots (marked with a ‘P’) and the solutions recorded (marked by an ‘S’) by maintenance engineers, who by the way have a sense if humour:



P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Left inside main tyre almost replaced.
 
P: Test flight OK, auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
 
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
 
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.
 
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Can’t reproduce problem on the ground.
 
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
 
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
 
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
 
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
 
P: Suspect crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
 
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
 
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
 
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
 
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed in cockpit.
 
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Courtesy of Viral Slot

New Office Policies

Dress Code:
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.  If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.  If you dress just right you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
 
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement of proof of sickness.  If you are able to go to the doctor you are able to come to work.
 
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.  They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
 
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work.  There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.  Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the funeral arrangements.  In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.  We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
 
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is spent on the toilet.  There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls.  At the end of the 3 minutes an alarm will sound.  The toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken and will be posted on the company bulletin board.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.  We are here to provide a positive employment experience.  Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, contemplations, consternations, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Positive Moments!

These were just too cute not to share
~~~   ENJOY !

No Sex Tonight

#1 One Evening...
But what guy cares about the emotional feelings just as much as the physical?!


#2 The Next Day
This guy is clever, butter her up man..


#3 I Don't Feel Like It
But honey, you don't even play tennis.


#4 WHAT?!
Now THIS is how you teach your partner a lesson...it's all about the give and take. Compromise people! Hilarious!

Courtesy of Randomly Funny

What’s for Dinner

A woman was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.
 
Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while she labored away on the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now!
 
Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!"
 
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer.
 
His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, "Where's my dinner?"
 
His answer…"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

Church Sign

 
Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Catholic Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Lutheran Church across the road.
 
One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground:

---

DA END ISS NEAR!

TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW

BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

---

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
 
 
"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say…
 

---

Bridge out!

---

First Breakfast

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor.

First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, but what seems to be the problem?"
The wife replies, "It's my husband - he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "He's been doing these stupid things.  Firstly, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone.  It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"
"And he keeps on picking his nose all the time!!  Even in public!!"

"Hmm...anything else?" "And…", the wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top!  Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."


So the wife goes out of the room and the husband comes in.

The counselor says, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."
The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What can be the problem?!?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy.  Firstly, you're always acting strange in public…looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."
The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand!  It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death-bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said then!"
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"
The counselor looks amused, "Err…actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh...okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Aha! Another thing my father specifically commanded me to do!  He told me to always keep my nose clean!"
The counselor looks faint, "Err…that means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."
"Oh…" says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your love-making."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his death-bed and it's the most important thing."
"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said…Don't screw up."

Quotes

Thought I’d start the week out…I know it’s already started for several of you…on a positive note.  Hope you enjoy.

20 Incredible Quotes by Dr. Seuss We Can All Learn From.

The books we read as kids can stay with us forever. Experience the most profound quotes found in Dr. Seuss’ books:

1. “Today you are YOU, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than YOU.”
(Happy Birthday To You)

2. You oughta be thankful a whole heaping lot, for the people and places you’re lucky you’re not.
(Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?)

3. “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.”
(Oh The Places You’ll Go!)

4. You do not like them. So you say.
Try them! Try them! And you may.
Try them and you may, I say.
(Green Eggs and Ham)

5. “Unless someone like you cares a whole lot, NOTHING is going to get better. It’s not.”
(The Lorax)

6. We’ve GOT to make noises in greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!
(Horton Hears A Who)

7. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)
(Oh The Places You’ll Go!)

8. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s A Great Balancing Act.
(Oh The Places You’ll Go!)

9. “Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more!”
(How The Grinch Stole Christmas)

10. If we didn’t have birthdays, you wouldn’t be you. If you’d never been born, well then what would you do?
(Happy Birthday To You!)

11. The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.
(I Can Read With My Eyes Shut)

12. Shout loud, “I am lucky to be what I am! Thank goodness I’m not just a clam or a ham or a dusty old jar of sour gooseberry jam!”
(Happy Birthday To You!)

13. Don’t give up! I believe in you all. A person’s a person, no matter how small!
(Horton Hears A Who)

14. And the turtles of course… all the turtles are free. As turtles, and maybe ALL creatures, should be.
(Yertle The Turtle)

15. There are so many things you can learn about, but you’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut.
(I Can Read With My Eyes Shut)

16. Today is gone. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one!
(One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish)

17. Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!
(Oh, The Thinks You Can Think)

18. I know up on top you are seeing great sights, But down here on the bottom, We too should have rights.
(Yertle The Turtle)

19. So, on beyond Z! It’s high time you were shown. That you really don’t know. All there is to be known.
(On Beyond Zebra!)

20. Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.
 

Courtesy of Viral Slot

Speeding

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like"!" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is," she said.

The blond officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go.  I didn't realize you were a cop.”